Epilogue

This is the book that just won’t end. So The Final Cycle: Grand Finale wasn’t grand enough was it?

Now I am officially an Olympic Champion Master Expert at *egg collections, I swanned off home last week to treat my pain like the Master Expert I am (wine and analgesics). I expected to feel a bit sore and sorry for myself and that is exactly how things panned out for the first few days.
*shit

Anyway, I thought last week had been shit enough but turns out it wasn’t quite shit enough to warrant the end of my story. I started feeling feverish over the weekend and sick. My tummy started to swell and the pain increased. I did what every normal person would do and ignored it so that it would go away. It did not go away. Eventually even someone as strong and brave as me reaches their limit so I called the clinic.

They told me to go back to be checked over. I fully expected them to prod me about a bit and send me packing with some paracetamol and maybe a prescription for anti-hyperchondria tablets. No suck luck. They admitted me as an emergency back to the bloody ward I had my egg collection at, same bloody bed and everything.

FFS OVARIES. You can’t give me any eggs, but you can let germs breed in you. I spent the next 2 days in hospital with IV antibiotics for an infection in my ovary and pelvic abscess. Bastard, bastard, bastard ovaries. Not content on merely being shit, the stupid bastards tried to kill me.

I am home now with a cupboard full of antibiotics and painkillers to pop my way through over the next couple of weeks. I believe this is temporarily going to inhibit my wine intake so I will have to make do with chocolate instead for a bit.

Although the last 6 months of treatment were poor to say the least (think I have reached my swear word quota for this post), and my earlier cycles were also pretty dreadful, we were lucky once. It took a long time and a lot of money and heartache, but I am one of the lucky ones. If someone had come along and offered me my life now when I was sat in hell with my arse glued to the floor, I would have bitten their arm off and I wouldn’t have even chewed.

Ok, so now this is actually the end. The real end. I have no intentions of coming back with some shitty (oops) novella nobody wants to read.

BB xx

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The End

Well, that was a terribly unexciting end to our child making efforts. No eggs. Empty follicles. Goodbye IVF and so long to having the family I had envisaged. 

I’m not sure it’s wise to get drunk the day of egg collection but since that didn’t technically happen I fully intend on it later on.

BB xx

We Are Go

Why hello fair maidens and men folk,

It took a bit of wrangling, but I believe we Are Go* for egg collection in theatre tomorrow. The clinic were actually turned down yesterday by the Very Important Gate Keepers Of The Theatre Waiting List. Thankfully the senior nurse took pity on me and marched down there in person to bust some ninja moves and squeeze me in. Phew.

Scan news was actually better than Friday. I mean, still complete shite (thank you ovaries), but I’ve had worse. There are now 3 follicles measuring 20-24mm so well and truly ready for egg collection. Either the sonographer on Friday got the measurements wrong or that means those 3 follicles all grew 7-9mm in 3 days. There are another 2 at 13 and 14mm. I have never had an egg immature or not from a follicle that small. Have you? Realistically I think the best I can hope for is 3 eggs. I need to pray they are mature because that is another problem I have had in previous cycles and we don’t have much to play with if there will only be a maximum of 3 eggs. I am trying not to dwell on my 2nd and 3rd egg collections – 2 eggs and 3 eggs respectively but only 1 mature and fertilised each time (resounding BFNs too – barely made it 9dpt before AF swooped in to claim victory).

I need to request hCG booster injections (if I have a transfer, please let me have a transfer) but I was too scared to ask too many additional questions yesterday when my main focus was sorting out the egg collection.

Other news:

Utrogestan is still the disgusting goop of satan

I have a STINKING cold (do you think that is bad? By that I mean, please tell me it’s not bad)

I am absolutely sick of eating protein

My egg collection is at 7.30am tomorrow so at least I won’t have too long to panic beforehand.

BB xx

 

*I said this in a Thunderbirds voice over voice

 

Grand Finale

After my two miracle frozen embies didn’t make it (sigh), I took a break over Christmas to regroup (read: drink all the wine and eat all the pies). Having regrouped successfully I was unfortunately somewhat fatter so I spent most of January munching on celery sticks and crying into bowls of vegetable soup.

My WTF appointment reunited me with Hero. I’m not sure what magic spell he cast on me but I came out of that WTF a paid up member of The Final Cycle: Grand Finale. This will be the 8th cycle I have started (2 cancelled, 4 fresh, 1 FET so far). I am hoping that it will be my 5th egg collection and I am not adding to my tally of cancellations but things ain’t going swimmingly so far. I’d say we are more treading water with a few sharks nipping at our toes and maybe one arm band has deflated.

I had a bit of a laugh at my first appointment as I entered to the squarks of One Direction. I don’t suppose anyone gets that joke apart from me (story of my life). Anyway, first scan looked alright. 4 follicles above 10mm and 4 below. Not bad considering my track record. Since then it has all gone how we say in England, tits up.

The second scan showed only 2 of the 4 above 10mm had grown (not much) and the other 2 had stayed the same. The other 4 were apparently too small for the sonographer to even waste her ink on recording.

I am also having the same issue I’ve had every single cycle in that my clinic only do sedations for egg collection and I need a general anaesthetic. The conversation with the nurse on Friday left me feeling pathetic for requiring additional help outside of their ‘standard’ protocol. She implied it was me being weak and that if only I could step out of my comfort zone and stop being a silly little princess everything would be much easier for everyone. Oh, and that the chances were I’d have no choice anyway because she probably won’t be able to sort it out, so really I should just man up and be normal like everyone else.

I haven’t felt so helpless in a long time. She even asked me why I needed the general and after I explained she sagely explained in her infinite wisdom that every cycle was different and this egg collection would probably be straight forward and totally fine. Based on thin air I think, who knows. So I cried. Urgh. Through everything I’ve never cried there, but this time I sobbed in the waiting room while 20 people stared at me out of the corners of their eyes.

I have another scan later on today. I wish I wasn’t going on my own. I hope I’m not told off like a 10 year old school girl again. The way things are going I will be lucky to have an egg collection to worry about at all so maybe I should focus on that little hurdle first.

I have even done acupressure on myself this weekend. Desperate times.

BB xx

 

Red

Oh good. Hello, friend.

Every single BFN cycle I have had has started with my old friend Red – usually at something obscene like 9-10 days post egg collection. Why break the habit of a lifetime now I guess, at 5dp5dt.

I have of course POAS. Sigh. Go away POAS police, a bit further, further *pushes off cliff*. Of course it is a BFN so early. Especially given my embryos were more tortoise rather than hare. I never even got to POAS properly on my other BFN cycles since that stupid Red Bitch arrived so early there was literally no point.

I believe I have already said that it is my 10 year wedding anniversary this week. It will be on 9dp5dt, fact fans, by which time I am pretty sure I will have concrete BFN evidence and a glass bottle of champagne in my hand. I hope Mr B knows its BYOB.

It’s halloween today so I am going to go back to what all normal people do and close my curtains, turn the lights out and watch Netflix in the dark in my bedroom.

BB xx

Cs and Ds

I am tired so I think I will just have to dive right in.

The first embryo they thawed didn’t do anything at all. The lab gave it 30 minutes then called me to say that it should have started to change and develop by now but it hadn’t. I originally requested to have a single embryo transfer, but under the circumstances we agreed that they should thaw the second embryo.

A long hour later they called me to say that this one was developing ‘slightly’ and that she had witnessed ‘some changes’. We arrived at the clinic and agreed to transfer them both despite the fact that the first embryo was still doing absolutely nothing whatsoever. She did say that although it wasn’t developing, it also wasn’t degenerating and was still ‘viable’ in the sense that it appeared to have survived the thaw. That embryo was graded a 1dd. The one that was beginning to develop was given a 1cc.

I have heard of cc embryos making babies, although I do wish this one wasn’t quite so abnormally slow to wake up from its frozen slumber. I have literally not heard of a dd embryo doing anything at all so if you have a story about one of those you can hit me with it. In the face if you like, I don’t mind.

Mr B has gone out for fish and chips. My go-to meal of comfort. I have told a couple of close friends about this cycle and I have been disappointed with their responses to my news today. Dismissive is the word I would use to describe them. With a capital D. I have also, sadly, for reasons I should probably not go into detail about, not told close family I have had a transfer. I miss being able to talk about what is going on when it is so difficult, so exhausting, so emotional and so unpredictable.

I have also not rested and will be carrying heavy things and not resting henceforth so I hope all of that advice is actually guff to be ignored.

Think I will still eat pineapples though, just be be on the safe side.

BB xx

Tin

Why hello friends.

I took the train to my scan yesterday so here is the latest instalment of Train Journeys To And From The Clinic. Behold:


Small latte and a mozzarella, tomato and basil black pepper baguette, fact fans. Also bonus featured in the foreground is my kindle and reading glasses case.

Another piece from my Train Journeys To And From The Clinic exhibition:

I call this beauty: “I was literally the only person on the train.”

So that was an exciting start to the day. The good news just kept on coming because my lining is a peachy 10-11mm. Luscious. They were extremely busy and running late so decided to perform my scan in the embryo-transfer room. It was very strange being back there after so long. I remembered all my embryos that are gone now and the one that is still here. It was also done by a (very lovely) nurse who took ages and ages. Then a few more ages. Then zoomed off in a panic about something and took a further (Stone) age to return. I missed my train, but was given the green-light go ahead, thumbs up for transfer so who cares.

Oh my God I nearly forgot:

Jason Mraz – I’m Yours

Stevie Wonder – Signed, Sealed, Delivered

California Dreaming’ – The Mamas and the Papas (eye roll)

Coldplay ft. Beyonce – Hymn for the Weekend

The Eagles – Hotel California

Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

Olly Murs – Dear Darlin’

Womack & Womack – Teardrops

This Old Heart Of Mine – Rod Stewart

Soz, I was in there ages.

Bonus fact of the day: it is very nearly my 10 year wedding anniversary. I am hoping that I will be pupo this year. I never thought when we got married all those years ago the road to babies and parenthood would be quite so littered with pot holes, rabid dogs and blind hills as it turned out to be. Anyway, I have one more day of buserelin, then I up the estradiol to 10mg (does that make anyone else sick? I am all the sicks), start Utrogestan (*weeps*) and continue with Evorel patches every other day until a week on Wednesday when everything crossed, we will have an embryo to transfer.

We have almost made it to the end of this FET and what will probably be the end of the line for us as far as baby-making goes. I am 90% decided that I don’t want anymore treatment after our miracle frosties have been transferred. We have jumped through all the hoops now for this FET (not particularly elegantly) and the end is in sight. Just a couple more (rather important) embryo-thawing obstacles to navigate.

BB xx

p.s. Apparently 10 year anniversary is Tin. Hmm. If you have any genius anniversary present ideas then please hit me with them in the comments below. Ta chums.