Cs and Ds

I am tired so I think I will just have to dive right in.

The first embryo they thawed didn’t do anything at all. The lab gave it 30 minutes then called me to say that it should have started to change and develop by now but it hadn’t. I originally requested to have a single embryo transfer, but under the circumstances we agreed that they should thaw the second embryo.

A long hour later they called me to say that this one was developing ‘slightly’ and that she had witnessed ‘some changes’. We arrived at the clinic and agreed to transfer them both despite the fact that the first embryo was still doing absolutely nothing whatsoever. She did say that although it wasn’t developing, it also wasn’t degenerating and was still ‘viable’ in the sense that it appeared to have survived the thaw. That embryo was graded a 1dd. The one that was beginning to develop was given a 1cc.

I have heard of cc embryos making babies, although I do wish this one wasn’t quite so abnormally slow to wake up from its frozen slumber. I have literally not heard of a dd embryo doing anything at all so if you have a story about one of those you can hit me with it. In the face if you like, I don’t mind.

Mr B has gone out for fish and chips. My go-to meal of comfort. I have told a couple of close friends about this cycle and I have been disappointed with their responses to my news today. Dismissive is the word I would use to describe them. With a capital D. I have also, sadly, for reasons I should probably not go into detail about, not told close family I have had a transfer. I miss being able to talk about what is going on when it is so difficult, so exhausting, so emotional and so unpredictable.

I have also not rested and will be carrying heavy things and not resting henceforth so I hope all of that advice is actually guff to be ignored.

Think I will still eat pineapples though, just be be on the safe side.

BB xx


Why hello friends.

I took the train to my scan yesterday so here is the latest instalment of Train Journeys To And From The Clinic. Behold:

Small latte and a mozzarella, tomato and basil black pepper baguette, fact fans. Also bonus featured in the foreground is my kindle and reading glasses case.

Another piece from my Train Journeys To And From The Clinic exhibition:

I call this beauty: “I was literally the only person on the train.”

So that was an exciting start to the day. The good news just kept on coming because my lining is a peachy 10-11mm. Luscious. They were extremely busy and running late so decided to perform my scan in the embryo-transfer room. It was very strange being back there after so long. I remembered all my embryos that are gone now and the one that is still here. It was also done by a (very lovely) nurse who took ages and ages. Then a few more ages. Then zoomed off in a panic about something and took a further (Stone) age to return. I missed my train, but was given the green-light go ahead, thumbs up for transfer so who cares.

Oh my God I nearly forgot:

Jason Mraz – I’m Yours

Stevie Wonder – Signed, Sealed, Delivered

California Dreaming’ – The Mamas and the Papas (eye roll)

Coldplay ft. Beyonce – Hymn for the Weekend

The Eagles – Hotel California

Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

Olly Murs – Dear Darlin’

Womack & Womack – Teardrops

This Old Heart Of Mine – Rod Stewart

Soz, I was in there ages.

Bonus fact of the day: it is very nearly my 10 year wedding anniversary. I am hoping that I will be pupo this year. I never thought when we got married all those years ago the road to babies and parenthood would be quite so littered with pot holes, rabid dogs and blind hills as it turned out to be. Anyway, I have one more day of buserelin, then I up the estradiol to 10mg (does that make anyone else sick? I am all the sicks), start Utrogestan (*weeps*) and continue with Evorel patches every other day until a week on Wednesday when everything crossed, we will have an embryo to transfer.

We have almost made it to the end of this FET and what will probably be the end of the line for us as far as baby-making goes. I am 90% decided that I don’t want anymore treatment after our miracle frosties have been transferred. We have jumped through all the hoops now for this FET (not particularly elegantly) and the end is in sight. Just a couple more (rather important) embryo-thawing obstacles to navigate.

BB xx

p.s. Apparently 10 year anniversary is Tin. Hmm. If you have any genius anniversary present ideas then please hit me with them in the comments below. Ta chums.




Christina Perri – Human

Alessia Cara – Here

Billy Paul – Me and Mrs Jones

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – Marvin Gaye

Just for you because I knew you were wondering. So I was back at the clinic today for what should have been my last scan before transfer. Sigh. Looks like we will be playing the Waiting Room Theme Tune Game a while longer.

For a fleeting, extremely unwelcome moment, it looked like it was Game Over. I shall transcribe the conversation because we haven’t done that in a while and that is all the reason I need:

Me: Is everything ok, is everything ok, is everything ok, is everything ok, IS EVERYTHING OKAY

Sonographer: I’m just measuring your lining

Me: What is it?

Sonographer: The nurse will speak to you after

Me: <grits teeth>

Sonographer: Left ovary looks quiet

Me: That is good news

Sonographer: Ah. Right ovary has a large follicle

Me: This is bad news isn’t it

Sonographer: I don’t know. Aren’t you supposed to be down regulated?

Me: I don’t really know how this all works

Sonographer: I think you are supposed to be down regulated

Me: Is it the dermoid cyst? (ever the optimist*)

Sonographer: What dermoid cyst?

Me: The one on my right ovary (Give. Me. The. Dildo. Cam.)

Sonographer: <looks again but properly> Ah yes, I see it. No, it’s next to that.

Me: Are you 100% certain it is a follicle? How big is it?

Sonographer: Oh wait <rummages around> Have you ever had fluid in your tube?

Me: Maybe but they think it might be fluid that is caught in a pocket of scar tissue by my tube. It was there last time so you could compare the scan and see if it is that?

Sonographer: <more rummaging> Ah. Okay. I know what it is. It isn’t a follicle. It is an inclusion cyst.

Inclusion cyst. Why but of course. Because my ovaries are just so goddam friendly.

Anyway, panic over. My lining as it transpires is 7.9mm. Lazy. I usually have an over enthusiastic lining so I truly hope that things are looking normal next Monday and the pisser hasn’t gone overboard in the other direction.

One good thing that did come out of today was that I gathered more evidence that I am in fact a Cylon and/or a mind reader. It is all happening here in England at the moment. Big news is that we have a new £5 note that features Winston Churchill on the back. I was just busy thinking while I waited for my coffee on the way home that I had not seen one of these new notes in the flesh… and the AA numbered ones have been selling for £100+ over on eBay (presumably to complete morons). And literally, right then, I was handed one as change. Behold:

Also included as a bonus feature is my kindle and my coffee set against the back drop of the shit train I was on.

I am struggling to scrub off the gummy sticking plaster marks the oestrogen patches are leaving on my legs so I picked up some baby oil on my way home to see if it helps. I also accidentally treated myself to a new mascara and a bottle of red wine (for my lining). Not totally sure what evening the cashier thought I had in mind but it was probably more fun than it is going to be.

BB xx




As I suspected, the little witch arrived too late for a down regulation scan on Friday. I did however make it to the clinic for repeat thyroid bloods on Wednesday to Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You, Damien Rice. Seriously.

I had a whole exciting blog post written in my head about Wednesday but sadly I’ve forgotten the entire thing aside from something about the people on the bus being smelly so probably for the best all round.

I had my down regulation scan today instead. And I got the train and nobody was smelly (or maybe that means I was?) First things first: flower news update. They have replaced the fake flowers with fresh. Apart from they are getting a bit old and my God did they stink. Maybe I have a sensitive nose (see above), but that is no excuse for half dead, mouldy flowers. You can buy flowers for £2.99 in Aldi. Maybe I’ll put that in the suggestions box.

The good news is that I am Officially Down Regulated. Hurrah! Someone give those ovaries a high five. Lining was a peachy 2.6mm. Dermoid nasty was unremarkable. My tsh results had not arrived back yet but my nurse went foraging for them and found them lurking some place. We were awarded a 2.4 so good to continue with no thyroid medication, gold star!

I have been given the green light to crack on with oestrogen patches. Hopefully this will cancel out some of the buserelin side effects because I have been somewhat of a dragon on them this time around. I just did my first patch however and had a minor whoopsie. The nurse told me the patches were ‘very sticky’. The packet it came in was very thin. I started trying to open it and peeled off the front. It was very sticky. I stuck it to my leg. It’s basically a big advert saying ‘HELLO I’M HAVING IVF’ and I have a swimming lesson tomorrow. I am not happy. So dumb to make the patches with all the information written on the outside. It has the name of the drug, the dose. This is so strange. I read the instruction leaflet. I have stuck the label to my leg. I open the pack and stick the patch to my leg instead. It is see-through and basically invisible unless your face is at the top of my leg (what the hell are you doing).

So now I have one patch, alternate days for two weeks and continue with buserelin. Then two patches on alternate days, plus buserelin, for another week. My next scan isn’t until 10th October… by which time my lining should be all beautiful and lovely and ready for a transfer.

BB xx


Where is my period

WHERE IS THE LITTLE BASTARD? 3 days late. Three. She is never late. Never. No sight nor sound of the useless little turd either.

My down regulation scan is on Friday lunchtime so realistically my period needs to return from whatever jolly she has gone on by Tuesday for the scan to still go ahead. I don’t feel like that is going to happen so my guess is this cycle is going to go on for longer than I had planned.

It’s been sometime since I had buserelin injections. My last 3 IVF cycles were short protocols so no down regulation. Previous to that I had 1 full long IVF cycle that ended in two eggs, two embryos, a missed miscarriage and a very long period of despair. Either side of that fun fest I had two cycles cancelled because I didn’t down regulate. Once with buserelin (3 weeks) and once with Zoladex (3 months). I think I am having some hot flushes so I am hoping it is doing its thing this time. I am also extremely jittery and sleeping terribly. Not sure if I can blame that on the buserelin or not.

Oh why is my period late, why. I spent years upon years wishing she wouldn’t show and she’d be there every 28 days with bells on, laughing in my face.

If anybody sees her, remind her she is a pointless idiot that has blighted my life and that the least she can do is show up on time since apparently she is no good for anything else.

BB xx

FET update (why can’t I think of a better title)

My appointments were actually last week (three on three different days, fact fans – excellent organisational skills there). I sat down to what I now know thanks to Mr Google was I’m Not The Only One, Sam Smith. I literally have no idea who Sam Smith is. Next up was an old clinic favourite, Your Song (Ellie Goulding version). I have no memory of any other tunes because I started to feel disorientated. The water cooler had moved to a different wall. The teas and coffees were at the other side of the room. Then I realised: THE FAKE FLOWERS HAVE GONE.

That was the big news of the day. It also means that there is no central feature to the room and as such, all the chairs have been arranged to face outwards so it is much easier to avoid looking at anybody at all. Just you and your thoughts and pictures of landscapes. Oh, and the fertility magazines have been replaced with Men’s Health and Women’s Health which made me feel terribly fat and regretting the grab bag of crisps I ate on the train on the way over.

I decided against an endometrial scratch. As you (I’m sure) remember it is more of a scrape than a scratch. A scrape of your insides. Nobody is going to be queuing up for one of those. My clinic have also stopped offering them as a routine procedure as they aren’t seeing a huge amount of data to suggest it is having much of an impact. Decision made; £150 saved. I have decided to go for the embryo glue as it apparently has no detrimental effect. It isn’t exactly a ‘glue’ per se, it is a protein that should be present at implantation which the embryo is coated in before transfer. I enquired about hcG boosters which the nurse is going to run past Hero so hopefully those will be added to my list of jabs post transfer.

What else? Oh yes, I think I have decided against acupuncture for the FET. If I end up having another fresh cycle I would probably do it again then.

I was offered the option of thawing both embryos (we only have the two) and transferring both if they both survive. Does anyone have any thoughts on that? They are both graded 4ba which is a higher grade than the one that is currently trying to pull her nappy off in the living room. I am very nervous given the amount of scar tissue and adhesions I have that my body would physically struggle to carry twins. At the moment I have decided to thaw them one at a time. The nurse pointed out that the only negative of this would be time and money. For example, if I thaw one and survives, is transferred but fails to implant or I miscarry then I am back at the start of an (insanely long) medicated FET process. Each embryo has been given a 70% chance of surviving the thaw so there is a chance that I could go through one FET that fails, go through another one and end up with nothing to transfer the second time. I would have also paid for two FETs then instead of one.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned it already but I also have a dermoid nasty on one ovary that isn’t too big at the moment (3.5cm). It will need removing surgically and I would like this to be after I have finished with IVF. The longer things drag on, the higher the likelihood of me needing an operation during it all. My ovaries are so damaged from the surgeries I’ve already had I feel in my heart that another operation will mark the end of fertility treatment for me.

I took a call from the clinic yesterday afternoon and in typical fashion my TSH has come back at 2.6. The threshold for IVF there is 2.5. Seriously, thank you thyroid, two fingers back up to you too.

So I am back for repeat bloods next week, plus a down regulation scan.

One final thing. I was on my way home from the appointments last week and a bus drove past me with an advert for Blair Witch Project on it. What’s up with that? Did I go back in time or something? I’m 99% certain I have been back in time before because I saw a pterodactyl (wow it starts with a p, who knew) flying down the Thames once.

I hope y’all having a good week.

BB xx

Back to the start

My blog is a deserted wasteland. The grass has dried. The air is thick with dust. People have littered the ground with empty crisp packets and used cans. Torn and faded pictures of Henry Cavill are scattered around. There is a run down shack that used to be a smart, tidy little place where I used to live with my friends Bottle of Gin and iPad. Now there is nothing. Well, almost nothing, because I am back to visit with a little tent and a fancy new macbook no less. I hope I can find some gin around here somewhere.

Having skipped out of my clinic doors 21 months ago, I believe I said “hopefully forever” (to the tune of Skinny Love making my ears bleed), I found myself back there last week. That 21 months went surprisingly quickly. Nothing much had changed. Same old downcast faces in the waiting room, eyes glued to the floor. Same old fake flowers. Same old (actually they are not old) receptionists full of happy beans, blowing me kisses and waving.  I handed over more money; they gave me some tablets. The Scientist by Coldplay was playing.

Things chez Betty are good. We have moved to a shiny new house. My little bb embryo can now run, shout, and as of last week I discovered can eat dead flies. I have been increasingly thinking about our miracle frosties and I feel that now is the right time to arrange a FET. I’m ready to draw a line under fertility treatments and move on. If it all goes to plan (haha) I should be able to have a transfer in mid-October. I have decided to pay for embryo glue this time since it’s something new my clinic are offering and I’m inclined to throw everything at this final cycle. Has anyone else used embryo glue? Any pearls of wisdom you can throw my way? I am half intending to have a scratch. I’ve been pregnant with scratches, pregnant without, as well as having BFNs with scratches. Hmm. I am also undecided about acupuncture. Hang on, that isn’t throwing everything at it is it? Oh god I don’t know. Can someone just tell me what to do?

In other news, I have just read that one of my all-time best fancies Joshua Jackson is back on the market. Yesssss!!!!

I hope you are all keeping well. Please fill me in.

BB xx