I think I would actually feel better if I could just know for certain that I will never have children. The uncertainty is wearing me down. I wish I could know that all of this would be worth it in the end, even if getting there is tough. Or not worth it. Whatever. I need some answers, some resolution. I’ve spent most of the last 3 years on edge, in a perpetual state of ‘almost there’. It’s exhausting! Is it worth it?
I’m heading back to the hospital at the end of this week for another scan (provided that my mysterious period doesn’t make an appearance before then… and it certainly doesn’t feel like it will). The suprecur didn’t work last month, so the cycle was cancelled, but we can’t start again until my period comes back. I asked the nurse today what the scan was for and she said it was just to have a look and see what’s going on. Obviously my mouth said “ok, ta” but my head said WHY?! What are you looking for? What’s next? More waiting? Drugs? Another scan next week? Roll over and give up?
I have found trying to conceive and all the trials of sub-fertility so bewildering. I don’t like the uncertainty of it all. It’s so full of ‘maybes’ and statistics. I hate the unknown so much. I am so controlled in my life and so organised, and I hate how little control I have over this. I feel like I never have a proper understanding of what’s happening – each appointment, each scan, each operation and test and consultation has been a complete surprise. I’ve had no idea what to expect at every turn. Maybe I am just stupid. I’ve certainly done a lot of reading and googling and that mainly just freaks me out. I think at least part of the reason is that I have been so optimistic at every turn that this operation, or this drug, or this appointment would be the last and it would all be done. It meant that every time I found it wasn’t, I was left shocked and disappointed. I think I’ve failed again.
I am a bit worried that I haven’t accepted what a massive journey this might be. I feel like I am at the end of it and I am getting scared that I am actually only at the beginning.