Living in a perpetual state of almost there

I think I would actually feel better if I could just know for certain that I will never have children. The uncertainty is wearing me down. I wish I could know that all of this would be worth it in the end, even if getting there is tough. Or not worth it. Whatever. I need some answers, some resolution. I’ve spent most of the last 3 years on edge, in a perpetual state of ‘almost there’. It’s exhausting! Is it worth it?

I’m heading back to the hospital at the end of this week for another scan (provided that my mysterious period doesn’t make an appearance before then… and it certainly doesn’t feel like it will). The suprecur didn’t work last month, so the cycle was cancelled, but we can’t start again until my period comes back. I asked the nurse today what the scan was for and she said it was just to have a look and see what’s going on. Obviously my mouth said “ok, ta” but my head said WHY?! What are you looking for? What’s next? More waiting? Drugs? Another scan next week? Roll over and give up?

I have found trying to conceive and all the trials of sub-fertility so bewildering. I don’t like the uncertainty of it all. It’s so full of ‘maybes’ and statistics. I hate the unknown so much. I am so controlled in my life and so organised, and I hate how little control I have over this. I feel like I never have a proper understanding of what’s happening – each appointment, each scan, each operation and test and consultation has been a complete surprise. I’ve had no idea what to expect at every turn. Maybe I am just stupid. I’ve certainly done a lot of reading and googling and that mainly just freaks me out. I think at least part of the reason is that I have been so optimistic at every turn that this operation, or this drug, or this appointment would be the last and it would all be done. It meant that every time I found it wasn’t, I was left shocked and disappointed. I think I’ve failed again.

I am a bit worried that I haven’t accepted what a massive journey this might be. I feel like I am at the end of it and I am getting scared that I am actually only at the beginning.

BB xx


3 thoughts on “Living in a perpetual state of almost there

  1. newtoivf

    oh god, I know that feeling totally.. you’re doing what now?.. why? ..oh ok *nod like I know what they are talking about but have no clue*. And after all this waiting and hoping and trying to believe that this operation or that diet might be the ‘fix’ I need to get pregnant but never is, I already feel like I’ve been on a ‘massive journey’ and I haven’t even actually started the ‘ridiculously massive journey’. And I have to keep talking about journeys and rollercoasters like I’m on X-Factor or something.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ha ha, it certainly is a rollercoaster. One I’d quite like to get off please! Thanks for commenting… I spent this morning reading through your blog. Your story sounded so similar I could have written it myself! I dont know anyone in ‘real life’ who has even had IVF, never mind going through it now.

      I’m glad I didn’t know how long this journey would be when I started out 3 years ago. For some reason I’d quite like to go back in time though and give myself a good slap for being so naive! Really good news about your funding… I am following your blog now so hope you have some more good updates soon! X

  2. Positive Pants

    I hate the uncertainty too. I’ve considered seeing a physcic to ask them when???? I thought that might help. But what if they said another few years or x number of IVF cycles….. In the end I decided to make my 3 moth fertility plan so I’ll see how this plan works out first.


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