“When are you going to have children then?”
This is a classic. I would like to suggest that this sentence is banned from polite conversation, particularly when directed at women over 30. Scratch that, it’s a stupid thing to say to any woman at any time. Pretty sure it’s ok to tell people to piss off if it is directed at you? I also keep getting consumed with an overwhelming desire to tell the questioner (esp if they have a child hanging off them) that all the children I know are snotty, irritating brats and I don’t want them. Obviously not true, but should hurt them as much as they just hurt me. Actually not sure that would make me feel better. Remind me not to really do that.
When you are holding a friend or a family member’s newborn for the first time, usually at a wedding or big social gathering: “Ooh, that baby certainly suits you!!” *wink wink*
And I am certain that you will suit that glass of wine over your head and that vol-au-vent smushed in your face and up your nose.
“You’ll be next!” (also usually at weddings/family gatherings)
I hope so. I really, really hope so, but I am doing a pretty crap job of it so far (thanks for pointing that out by the way). Please, please add to my misery by implying it is *so* easy to get pregnant. I’ll just be next then shall I? Ok! Good idea! Thanks! Actually it probably is that easy for you. Shall I just lie down so you can kick me directly in the head?
“You just wait until you have children. It’s the best thing in the world. I can’t imagine my life without little Bob/Harry/Gertrude. It’s the meaning of life.”
Urgh. Suggesting life is worth less if you have no children really gets to me. Especially because the preacher is usually popping out babies to some kind of life plan they made when they were 10. I will do everything in my power to grow my family, but if it doesn’t happen I fully intend for my life to be very meaningful and worthwhile, thank you very much.
“You had better get a move on, you don’t have forever. I don’t understand women who put their career before having a family.”
Probably part of the same sentence as the last gem. Please do feel free to just look at me and judge me. And yes, I’m sure everyone in the entire universe does want to be exactly like you.
“You just don’t understand until you have children.”
Thank you, oh wise one.
“I know someone who had trouble conceiving. Have you tried:
Half an aspirin?
Having sex more often?
Not thinking about it?
Eating more seeds?
Sex standing on your head?*
I’m pretty sure that it is now universally accepted world-wide that green tea tastes like puke. I can’t even be bothered to answer the rest.
“It’s so hard being a parent, I’m so tired, Gertrude is teething, maternity leave is boring, complain, complain, can you be quiet so I can whinge more about all my sprogs?”
*smacks head on table* *smacks head on table* *smacks head on table* Good God. I mean, yeah that’s bad. Care to swap? No?
Similar, but aiming the knife at a slightly different angle: “Oh, I’m so jealous of you! You can do whatever you like, you can go on holiday whenever you like. Everything was so much easier before I had kids!”
*final head smack on table to finish myself off*
“Oh, wonderful! How many months are you?”
I’m just fat.
Oops. I feel better now, sorry about that everyone. I am not 100% sure that ranting and raving has any long term health benefits, but I have certainly perked up now. Do you have any gems you would like to share? Go on, let it out! (I won’t tell anyone).
*no, obviously, I am normal. OH GOD IS THIS WHERE I AM GOING WRONG?