One of the best things about IVF so far (scraping the barrel ‘cos so far it has been proper shit) is learning all the new terminology. My favourite to date (I’m sure I will find more, or maybe you can enlighten me?) is:
“Down regulated”. This makes me think of a fancy hotel. Par exemple:
“Oh, madam, this room is tres bien! There is an en-suite wet room and a fancy-pants bath with feet (oh yeah, I know posh, innit) and of course as standard all the duvets and pillows have been down regulated for your comfort.”
I heard this term for the first time when the nurse was actually checking that I had down regulated, and I let out a little laugh. It sounded very, very silly. Not sure why I didn’t know what that scan was for at the time. I think it was 50% me in complete denial and 50% the clinic I go to really drip-feed information. No need to tell anyone the full horror from the start, let them discover that for themselves! So yeah, anyway. Down regulated = your insides are “quiet”. Shh! I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with pillows. I am going to have to google this, because I can’t shake the feeling that “down” is something to do with womb lining, like a nice pillow. Or does it mean “down”, i.e. shut-down? Why didn’t I think this through before I started to type? Wait with baited breath and I will find out…
Ok, bums. It has nothing to do with the lining of the womb being like a soft duvet or comfy pillows. Also, as an aside, when I say “down regulated” in my head, I say it in Ali G’s voice. Worrying? (If you are not well acquainted with Ali G, here he is circa 2005 interviewing David and Victoria Beckham)
Another thing I didnt know before IVF were my boundaries. I thought I was a very private, conservative, quiet, sensitive-to-other-people’s-feelings, type of person. A wallflower; you know the type. Now I have no boundaries. Last week I found myself talking in some detail about my ovaries with my best friend’s husband. 5 years ago I would have died at that idea. Now I am waxing lyrical on my ovaries and egg production. My dignity has well and truly been left at the door. Fancy putting a condom on a stick with a camera on it? Wanna rummage around my lady parts? Be my guest! Yeah, bring the student doctors in, let’s all have a good poke around! I’ve lost count of the number of people who have seen my fanny and I’ve only ever had sex with one person. What was that I said about no boundaries? Thank you IVF!
IVF acronyms. This is a biggie. Ok, so I’m not a total moron (ha ha, yeah yeah get yourself up off the floor, jokers), but DH, AF, BFN and BFP confused me right from day 1. I joined a fertility forum site after my first operation in May 2012 when it became apparent just how crap-town my insides were. I kid you not, I only learnt the actual meaning of these acronyms about 10 days ago. Obviously, one can surmise from the context of the sentence what they actually mean, so I never bothered to find out what they actually mean. I couldn’t even have ventured a guess… AF, Aunt Flo (my grandma is called Flo. That is my only Flo experience; I have never heard this as a term for a period. Where have I been my whole life?). BFP/BFN, I presumed these were technical terms (a la down-regulation) I had yet to uncover, but no. Big Fat Negative/Positive. DH, Dear Husband?!! Who thought up this guff?? (I told my husband about this blog, but I am pretty certain he isn’t reading it. This is quite a good test). Anyways, no wonder I couldn’t work it out. I vote we start some new ones. My ideas so far are:
TM. The Man. This has the bonus of not presuming that said sperm-contributor and life-partner is actually one’s husband. Who knows in this day and age, people even have children with (whispers) “boyfriends”. We could go the whole hog and say TP, The Partner, because I’ve heard that some people have IVF when they are in a same-sex relationships! Who would have thought it.
Let’s tackle AF. There are only bad euphemisms for periods so I fear we are fighting a losing battle with this one. At least Aunt Flo isn’t offensive. I am more in favour of the more classic “moon time”, or “time of the month”. Menstruation is one if the worst words in the world (one of my favourite games is listing awful words, e.g. chafing, moist, most willy words… sorry, no idea where this is going). I think it’s a toss up between AF and TOM. TOM seems more factual, so I’m going with him.
I quite like BFN/BFP now I know what they mean. Just N and P alone don’t seem strong enough when you have been put through the mill. I might go with (eff)FN and FP, but as I’ve said before, my language has spiralled down badly in the last few months so probably best just leave them as they are.
Finally, I am particularly confused by POAS, even though I now know what it means (‘pee on a stick’ incase you don’t). I don’t “pee” on sticks, I “wee” on them, so I’ll have to go with WOAS, which sounds a lot more exciting than it is.
Ok, those are rubbish. maybe I should just stick to the real words? Please add your ideas as you see fit… Maybe together we can think of something sensible (if not, I’m totally down with very un-sensible).
What fun things has IVF taught you? Become an expert at stabbing yourself in the bum? Or do you just want to play the horrible words game? Go on, share the knowledge!!