I really, really wanted this post to be good news. Well, it’s not good news.
It’s not bad news either.
It is just another one of my usual IVF Mediocre News Bulletins.
I waited in the waiting room with my heart in my mouth. I did my obligatory arrive-15-minutes-early-even-though-they-are-always-late. I did roughly 1000 nervous wees, but I lost count so can’t be 100% certain of that. I waited and waited. 30 minutes passed. Some silly bitch brought her kids into the waiting room. I listened to them whining. My husband smiled at them. I looked at the mother like I wanted to shoot arrows into her heart. Wait. Wait. Finally going in.
I was so nervous my hands were shaking, and it transpired that actually my entire body was shaking when the scan started which didn’t exactly make things any easier. The nurse scanned. And scanned. And scanned some more. The clock tick tocked very loudly. It took a long time. I started to think something was wrong when she turned the monitor round and said, “there is the baby” and “this is the heartbeat”. All good, no?
“But it is very small.”
“I will need you to come in for a scan next week to check it is still growing.”
I’ve pretty much forgotten what happened to be honest. Basically, the gist is it is very much on the small side, but it does have a heartbeat. The clinic’s attitude is that it doesn’t necessarily mean it is bad news, but I need to keep realistic. I don’t know what the fuck that means, keep realistic that it might be dead by next week? Fucking hell.
I’ve googled like a woman possessed on the way home and I have gleaned (I think the nurse said this too) that there is a huge range of ‘normal’ measurements at 7 weeks. It seems that anything from 5mm to 12mm has the potential to be okay, and up to 14mm. My blob is 7.5mm. I even read in one journal that it can be normal to not be able to even see a heartbeat at 7 weeks if the baby is less than 5mm, provided one is seen in the next 3-7 days.
There is no getting away from the fact that it is measuring small, and that is potentially bad. My risk of miscarriage is elevated. It also potentially means nothing whatsoever, but if it had been 10mm my chances would have looked a whole lot brighter.
Once the nurse realised I had a 2 day transfer she visibly chilled out quite a lot and said it probably just swam around for a bit longer before implanting. I know that’s not true because I tested so early. She also said my body probably absorbed the other embryo like some kind of deranged child eating cannibal (disclaimer: she may not have said those exact words). I am wondering given my strong early positives whether both embryos implanted, and maybe the earlier implanter has disappeared leaving his slightly slower implanting counterpart behind. That’s what I’m hoping anyway.
So, I have another whole week of waiting ahead of me. I think this one is going to be excruciating.
I said yesterday that I have never been so worried about anything in my entire life, but I think I am going to set a new PB for that little record at the scan next week.