News, of sorts

I really, really wanted this post to be good news. Well, it’s not good news.

It’s not bad news either.

It is just another one of my usual IVF Mediocre News Bulletins.

I waited in the waiting room with my heart in my mouth. I did my obligatory arrive-15-minutes-early-even-though-they-are-always-late. I did roughly 1000 nervous wees, but I lost count so can’t be 100% certain of that. I waited and waited. 30 minutes passed. Some silly bitch brought her kids into the waiting room. I listened to them whining. My husband smiled at them. I looked at the mother like I wanted to shoot arrows into her heart. Wait. Wait. Finally going in.

I was so nervous my hands were shaking, and it transpired that actually my entire body was shaking when the scan started which didn’t exactly make things any easier. The nurse scanned. And scanned. And scanned some more. The clock tick tocked very loudly. It took a long time. I started to think something was wrong when she turned the monitor round and said, “there is the baby” and “this is the heartbeat”. All good, no?

“But it is very small.”

Oh.

“I will need you to come in for a scan next week to check it is still growing.”

Oh.

I’ve pretty much forgotten what happened to be honest. Basically, the gist is it is very much on the small side, but it does have a heartbeat. The clinic’s attitude is that it doesn’t necessarily mean it is bad news, but I need to keep realistic. I don’t know what the fuck that means, keep realistic that it might be dead by next week? Fucking hell.

I’ve googled like a woman possessed on the way home and I have gleaned (I think the nurse said this too) that there is a huge range of ‘normal’ measurements at 7 weeks. It seems that anything from 5mm to 12mm has the potential to be okay, and up to 14mm. My blob is 7.5mm. I even read in one journal that it can be normal to not be able to even see a heartbeat at 7 weeks if the baby is less than 5mm, provided one is seen in the next 3-7 days.

There is no getting away from the fact that it is measuring small, and that is potentially bad. My risk of miscarriage is elevated. It also potentially means nothing whatsoever, but if it had been 10mm my chances would have looked a whole lot brighter.

Once the nurse realised I had a 2 day transfer she visibly chilled out quite a lot and said it probably just swam around for a bit longer before implanting. I know that’s not true because I tested so early. She also said my body probably absorbed the other embryo like some kind of deranged child eating cannibal (disclaimer: she may not have said those exact words). I am wondering given my strong early positives whether both embryos implanted, and maybe the earlier implanter has disappeared leaving his slightly slower implanting counterpart behind. That’s what I’m hoping anyway.

So, I have another whole week of waiting ahead of me. I think this one is going to be excruciating.

I said yesterday that I have never been so worried about anything in my entire life, but I think I am going to set a new PB for that little record at the scan next week.

BB xx

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26 thoughts on “News, of sorts

  1. ecutri

    I don’t even know what to say besides I’m praying for you…I’m keeping positive for you…that’s a crazy way of ending the appointment, I’d be scared shitless too. You have so many supporters who are cheering you and your precious child on, I have so much faith that this story will have a wonderful ending to it.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks so much… I’m certainly not feeling very positive. It was strange seeing a heartbeat at the same time as thinking “oh dear, this doesn’t sound good.” I wish I understood more about it… I know a small measurement doesn’t necessarily mean it is bad, but does it usually mean its bad? Is it bad half of the time? One in every 5? I guess they just don’t know, hence the going back next week. Thanks for the positive vibes… I think I need them today 😦 xxx

      Reply
  2. bloggerkuwait

    Oh man. That is so stressful, but doesn’t mean bad news at all! You’re right, they are at different sizes. Just keep calm (nervousness wont help the pregnancy) and eat well and rest until you go next week. Goodluck I’m looking forward to hearing better news next week!

    Reply
  3. lamentingthelentil

    sheesh. i know this is not what you wanted to hear. here’s what i’m going to say, though. my doc told me when i was scanned that there is a pretty large potential for measurement error this early in the game. if your baby was measuring 7 mm, that is 6 weeks, 4 days – only three days behind, which is within the normal measurement error range that my doctor told me about. i hope hope hope that this little bugger catches up and puts your mind at ease next week. until then, i am thinking about you like crazy, shooting good vibes from the hip like an unruly cowboy.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Well I’m certainly hoping she just measured bad!! It was 7.5mm which is bang on average for 6w6d so it is either 3/4 days behind, or very small for 7w3d. I don’t know what to think really, my mind has emptied. Don’t think I’m feeling too optimistic, but I guess there is nothing else to do except wait. Again.

      Reply
  4. missymakes

    Crap. Geez, this stuff is so tough. Why can’t things just go smoothly? I will be thinking about you lots over the next week and sending prayers your way. Grow, little one, grow!

    Reply
  5. redbluebird

    I would be completely stressed about this too. But I have a lot of hope that everything will be fine. From my Googling, that doesn’t seem that far behind to me. I’m sorry you have to wait a whole week, but hopefully that will give the little one time to grow & catch up!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Bleugh, I hope so. I’m not feeling very optimistic. I think it’s measuring about 3-4 days behind. Should do some epic growing this week, so I guess time will tell. 😦

      Reply
  6. Steph Mignon

    3 or 4 days behind is nothing! I’m sure your little guy will catch up. I don’t blame you for being concerned (insanely worried) though. When anything’s out of the ordinary I typically freak the f out! With that said, you and your little embie are in my thoughts and prayers for sure.

    Reply
  7. newtoivf

    Oh god honey when is the universe going to let up and just allow you to enjoy this pregnancy? Am hoping this week goes quick for you xx

    Reply
  8. lisaliteration

    Ugh, the waiting and worrying just never lets up. At least we are good at it by now! Take care of yourself and try to keep busy this week; you and your little one will be in my thoughts.

    Reply
  9. The infernal infertile

    Got home from holiday yesterday and have been dying to check in to see how you are going…

    There was a heartbeat… A HEARTBEAT!!!! I know that is the most amazing thing in the world to see… even if it was tempered with a bit of uncertainty. You have created a tiny little bit of life, you have a little miracle they told us all was unlikely to happen… I’ve got my fingers crossed so tightly for you that your miracle continues xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh, that’s so kind… Thank you!! I hope you had a lovely holiday. I’ve been a bit absent from my blog this week, busy hiding under a rock.

      I hope so bad you are right. My scan is early tomorrow morning and I am getting progressively more panicked!!!

      Reply
  10. My1111wish

    We call them wonder twins. When one can’t make it then it gives all its powers to the other. You will be in my thoughts that all goes well. Hang in there!

    Reply
  11. Baby Hopeful

    Stay positive! I agree – think it’s common to have slight size differences at that stage and the heartbeat is so so important (not that I’m an expert). At least they are scanning you again next week – will feel like ages, but not long. I’m keeping everything crossed for you and sending baby-dust to you! Love & hugs. xx

    Reply
  12. elaaisa

    I reaed your post while I was away but couldnt comment earlier. Been thinking of you though. I’m sending you a hug and hoping for much better news next time!

    Reply
  13. dogsarentkids

    I’m fairly certain my news feed is screwing with me, because I never saw this. This sucks arse! It’s good you saw a baby and a heartbeat, but I hate how EVERYTHING has to be not perfect. You can have this, but not that, yada yada. Can’t possibly be ecstatic about a heartbeat since your baby is on the smaller size. Boo!

    Reply

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