Well, I’ve had my scan. Instead of good news or terrible news I appear to just have Increasingly Bad News.
It is still alive, goodness knows why because it is not a normal size. It is not even a remotely normal size. No matter how much I stretch everything, there is no normal sizing going on. It doesn’t look like it is developing normally.
I don’t know what to say really. I’ve forgotten again what happened. The nurse found it incredibly difficult to get a decent, clear picture and therefore found it very difficult to measure. She thinks it is about 9mm now so it has grown a smidge. A tiny smidge isn’t good enough. For it to be viable it needed to have doubled its size, not grown 1.5mm in 7 days.
I have no idea why the heart is still going with such conviction if there is clearly something genetically wrong. Isn’t nature supposed to work that out for itself?
If they were pessimistic last time, I don’t have a word for what they are now. They can’t tell me it’s over yet because it is still alive. They have told me to go home and presume to miscarry. When I start bleeding, go to A&E. Oh, and by the way the follicles on your right ovary are growing massively so you are at risk of ovarian torsion. Have you been having a lot of pain? Yes? Well, if it becomes unbearable make sure to go to A&E or call an ambulance.
Great. So what are my next steps? Close monitoring? More scans on my dwindling foetus and ovarian torsion? Of course not, what kind of fool are you? Go home and wait for your 12 week scan. Well, that or an emergency trip via ambulance to the hospital. Oh, and expect the worst if you do reach your 12 week scan. Don’t get your hopes up, it doesn’t mean it’s good news if you don’t start bleeding before hand.
I have two words for that piece of advice. Fuck and That.
I am currently attempting to get an appointment with a private IVF doctor at a more local clinic. It is a farce beyond farce to keep traveling a 460 mile round trip. I want the following.
a) A second opinion on what’s going on. Why is it so small but with a proper, viable heartbeat? Can they test when I miscarry to find out what’s wrong? There ain’t no hope in hell of that happening at an NHS general hospital.
b) If the poor thing keeps limping on and stays alive but isn’t growing properly will I need to have an abortion? Again, if I do, I want that with an endometriosis/IVF specialist; someone who is keeping my future fertility and imminent IVF treatment in mind, not some general surgeon who is treating me like any other pleb who can just pop out and get impregnated again whenever they feel like it. My insides are in a bad enough condition already. I want someone taking proper care of it.
c) Do they need to monitor the size of my ovaries and follicles? I Do Not Want to lose one of my ovaries to ovarian torsion, especially considering my already diabolical fertility situation.
d) How long will they wait before officially deciding it isn’t viable and what happens next? How long until I can have IVF again?
e) What can they do about the endometriosis before the next round of IVF since it meddled so horrendously with this round, despite having 2 operations within the last year?
I think I had more questions before, but I’ve sort of forgotten them now. My main concern is that I want to manage this up front and know what is going on, even if it is bad news (which it will be, I’m not sure I want too many comments telling me it’s going to be okay. It’s not). I don’t want to leave it to chance and roll up for my 12 week scan to be told they have to kill the thing, or it died weeks ago. I want to sort it ASAP, preserve whatever shitty fertility I have left, and make sure that I am as ready as I can be to start again.
I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be great news. I don’t think it’s possible to be anything but when you have been so conditioned to expect the worst. I think the clinic should appreciate how painful and distressing uncertainty is and not just send me away to wait for something terrible to happen. The nurse told me today to “wish away time”. I AM NOT A MAGICIAN YOU STUPID FAT COW.
I had such a good post lined up in my head, but it fell out somewhere between the hospital and getting on the train. I might remember and offend you with it tomorrow.
Don’t throw things at me, but I am half planning to have a small glass of wine later and a takeaway pizza. Oh, and I really wanted to say thank you so much for all your lovely messages this week. I normally reply to all messages since the reason I started the blog was to find people such as yourselves and you know, converse. I’m sorry, I’m a lamo. I’ve basically just been hiding under a rock all week. Normal service shall resume asap, I promise.
Oh, and one final complaint. Pregnancy symptoms still? Really? Still this sick? Why exactly? Nothing is happening? Why am I so tired when it is doing no growing or anything normal? I appear to have the worst of all worlds, marvellous.
Final thank you to all my Twitter ladies for all the swear words of solidarity. I believe my husband will thank you also since you are bearing the brunt of my distress which would otherwise be directed at him.