Wrap me up in red tape and hang me with it

Oh, you get lots of posts when the shit hits the fan don’t you?

I have to confess, this post title is slightly dramatic. I wrote it yesterday when I was trying to book an appointment to see a specialist closer to home. Turns out I couldn’t do that without a referral from my GP… which, you guessed it, I don’t have yet because I’ve only just moved. Marvellous. Not one to be deterred, I dragged my husband down to register yesterday so that I could make an appointment to see a GP who could then refer me. Alas no, that is not allowed. Of course not, silly me. You have to wait 24 hours for them to put you on the system, call back tomorrow. I cried. They didn’t budge. I could have climbed over the desk and added my own bloody name to the database in about 2 seconds flat. Anyway, I was bound by the red tape yesterday, bound I tell you.

Good news is I successfully managed to book a private scan for Thursday, and an appointment with my GP for today.

I sat in the waiting room. They were running very late. The doctor kept coming out and calling people in. There was a lady sat in front of me with her husband, a baby and a toddler. The baby kept pulling happy faces at me. I felt annoyed. Then the lady turned to her husband and said, “oh I hate that doctor. She is awful. She is so nasty and mean. She is the worst doctor in the world, I will never go to see her even if I think I am dying.”

I don’t know why, but that affected me so badly. I was obviously already feeling pretty stressed, but my anxiety just hit a new high once I started worrying about having to persuade the doctor that I really need help. Would she believe me? Would she just tell me I’m being silly and wait for the 12 week scan? Would she even refer me?

Infertility is really turning me into someone I don’t recognise. I am a proper nervous wreck at the moment and have been for sometime. I felt more stressed waiting to just go in and see the GP for a chat than I have done for interviews, or big exams, or even the effing viability scans. My body seems to have developed a whole life of its own where it just does whatever the fuck it likes irrespective of what I want, or what is going on in my head.

Anyway, panic was unfounded. I mean, I get it. I can tell the doctor ain’t one to suffer fools gladly. She won’t be writing any hypercondriac sick notes. Lucky for me, I am no fool so I was fine.

I can’t tell you how much better I feel. I did spent a large chunk of the appointment crying and trying to speak through snot and hyperventilation but I think I covered all the basics. The good news report (in light of my imminent forthcoming miscarriage, obviously “good news” is perhaps not exactly the phrase to use but whatever):

1. I was beside myself with the idea of booking a midwife (hour long!!) appointment when I am having a very highly likely non-viable pregnancy, nevermind booking the 12 week scan. The GP hasn’t booked me in for anything yet. She agreed we might as well wait it out and book it later if a miracle happens, pigs fly and my fragmenting, dwindling foetus glues it’s bits back together and starts randomly growing again.

2. She thought she could get me an NHS scan instead of my private one. Of course, they didn’t answer the phone while we were there but she just called me and she has booked me in for another early scan tomorrow morning (NHS! free!). She also told them that she thinks I need continuous monitoring for the next few weeks for the potential-ovary-torsion situation and the viable/non-viable foetus situation. Excellento.

3. She is happy to refer me wherever the hell I like. She can write me a letter on the day, and I can be on my merry way whenever.

So that’s it. Not exactly good news, but I won’t hang myself with the red tape any time today. I feel like I’m being looked after rather than thrown to the dogs. I think I will have probably avoided any emergency trips to A&E if they really are willing to just continue to monitor me, and once it’s all over I should be able to go privately quickly for another round of IVF.

So my next scan is now tomorrow instead of Thursday, and hopefully continuing hence forth for however many weeks this embryo clings to life for. I don’t think it will be long. My husband can’t come with me tomorrow so I hope I can keep my shit together. Apparently I have to take an overnight bag “just in case”. Bleugh.

I imagine I will update you with my ever increasing bad news shortly, lucky you.

BB xx

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26 thoughts on “Wrap me up in red tape and hang me with it

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I am going to try and stress my worry tomorrow to make sure they really do keep monitoring me… For some reason I can’t believe anybody will be nice or willing to help me anymore!! I don’t know what I’d do if I lost an ovary as well… My fertility is in bad enough shape already!! Hopefully I may have a few more answers tomorrow x

      Reply
  1. Aislinn

    Ugh, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m happy that you’re getting the monitoring you need, and have a doctor that is willing to help you. I’m amazed with how strong you are going through all of this.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks. I’m so relieved after meeting the doctor today. Hopefully they will follow her instructions and monitor me properly. I don’t think you would say I was strong if you could see me now, sat in my bed in the middle of the day in my pyjamas surrounded by empty packets of crisps xx

      Reply
      1. Aislinn

        I think you’re extremely strong for going though this and still wanting to jump back on the IVF wagon. Every super hero needs her down days and fuel, right?

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        Haha, yeah and my fuel is ready salted crisps (thank you pregnancy sickness, you can do one now). I had homemade lasagne for tea and vegetables so feel like I have ingested a few nutrients today at least.

  2. The infernal infertile

    Hey Betty,

    So pleased you found someone sensible and willing to get you the oversight you need. She sounds like a pretty level headed Doc… just what you need right now.

    Thinking of you at this incredibly shitty time xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you. I really liked her, she really seemed like she understood what I was saying and was willing to help. I was amazed! Hopefully they will be nice tomorrow too… I’ll be so glad when this is all over xx

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It really does… I just didn’t know where to turn yesterday and felt completely helpless. Definitely feel more positive today, even if I’ve accepted it’s bad news about the embryo x

      Reply
  3. rceg91109

    I have been thinking of you and though this is such a horrible thing to go through, I’m very happy to hear that you’ve found a way to find some forward, positive momentum in all this. I know it ain’t over yet, but this doc sounds like finally a positive step for you in all this hell you are going through. A glimmer of light in this dark, dark place. Glad your fighting has paid off a bit and hoping it continues to.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks, I will be glad to get tomorrow over with. I think I should have more of a plan then. I am thinking that the heartbeat should be slowing down really or stopping pretty soon. I am most scared that it will keep limping on and it will take weeks before they intervene. At the moment my imagination is pretty bad… Hopefully I will have some more concrete facts to go on tomorrow so I won’t keep having to make stuff up!!

      Reply
  4. missymakes

    I’m so glad you’ve found a doctor who is willing to do the right thing by you. Even if the worst is yet to come, at least your ovary will be well taken care of. I’ll be thinking about you, girl. Keep us posted.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks Missy, it really was a weight off my mind knowing I have a doctor who is on my side. I feel like I don’t need to worry so much about being rushed to A&E and having my ovary chopped out if they are monitoring me. Think I will feel better once I’ve been tomorrow, had a second opinion and I’ve confirmed that they really are going to keep a close eye on everything… For some reason I just can’t believe it will be that straight forward!!

      Reply
  5. bebeparler

    Well done (if that’s the right word) Betty for grabbing the reins and not letting go. You’re more in control now so keep the pressure on them to monitor you. You will get through this shitty time. I’m rooting for you. As they say ” If you’re going through Hell, keep going”.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I do feel so much better for having a bit of control back! I felt so helpless yesterday, it was awful. I’m hoping I can keep it together tomorrow on my own to make sure I get my own way!! Half wondering if it will be bad news already, but I’m feeling so horrendously sick still I don’t know. I love that saying, I’ve never heard it before!! That’s so true, I’m so not sticking around in Hell for a holiday, I’m bolting straight on through.

      Reply
      1. bebeparler

        Btw my husband was away when I was going through all that last year. Apart from crying continuously I like to think I got through it like the warrior my name means. You are a mighty woman Betty, you must be a warrior now too, for yourself and your baby. Demand everything you think you need over the next few days. Good luck hon x

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        Oh no, that’s awful. My husband has been away most of the last 4 weeks too and I’m pretty worried about going to the scan tomorrow on my own. I will attempt to channel my inner warrior, although right now my warrior costume appears to be the pajamas I have been wearing most of today :-/

      3. bebeparler

        Most pajamas I know are terrifying 😉 I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow, as will everyone else here my dear. You will be ok, no matter what. Don’t forget that. Keep us posted.

  6. Steph Mignon

    I have faced a similar scan alone, but I wasn’t prepared for what they were going to tell me so needless to say I had a mental breakdown right there in the office. That was back when I was naive and thought being pregnant meant that of course all would work out! Well when the shit hit the fan, I couldn’t stop crying, it was AWFUL. But when I consulted experts as you have, I had already mentally prepared myself for the worst. As fucked up as it sounds, that helped me feel I could face anything and still does. You BB are a kick ass kind of girl and I know that you will get through whatever comes your way. Good or bad! Your strength comes through in every post, even though I know you are scared and angry at times. Keep it up sister! I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for your fetus, your ovary, and your future fertility!

    Reply
  7. Fertility Doll

    I wanted to punch the nurse yesterday. Now I want to kiss your new GP! Goodluck for tomorrow – I hope it’ll go as well as it can given the circumstances. Will be thinking of you!

    Reply
  8. catschristmas

    Wow. What a ride you are having. How utterly shit and crap and unfair! I don’t think I can offer much in the way of wisdom but I want to second every positive name these other bloggers have called you. You are amazing. Enough said. Oh and my fingers are super crossed for a positive outcome whichever way it finds you xxx

    Reply
  9. Bachelor's Button

    Thinking of you today. Glad that you are now getting good medical support. It’s a good thing that the blogosphere comes to life in periods of downright misery. Everyone leaps to your support. However, it isnt really treated with empathy by wordpress….. My biggest hit days were when my little girl was diagnosed with iugr and then when she died. WordPress kindly reminds me of these ‘big stats’ days whenever I log in as though they are days to be celebrated! Hoping that it all goes as well as it can for you today. Damn those fertility deer. I’m sending mine back.

    Reply
  10. Nushi

    I read your previous post and couldn’t believe the way NHS was behaving! How could they be so insensitive?!? Really gald you found someone nice to listen to you and give you the much needed care you need right now. I would think constant monitoring is what needs to be done now. Thinking of you and hope you find some answers …

    Reply

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