If you are going through hell, keep going

Ok, I’m going to warn you this is going to be terribly, terribly sad. Obviously it’s much worse for me, but if you are of a delicate nature I’d turn off now.

I guess that you can already imagine, given my earlier warnings that today was not going to go well.

I also need to give credit to My IVFing Story for the blog title. She posted this as a comment on my last post and I loved it. I told my Mum today just after we’d heard the foetus had died and my Mum laughed. Lolz, she is as morbid as I am.

Anyway, if you imagined all was not well you are mainly right. Our earlier observations that a) the foetus was far, far too small right from the 7 week scan and b) not growing properly turned out to be correct and = c) no heartbeat anymore.

I am very, very sad. And I’m very angry that I started IVF at the beginning of February and I am ending it at the end of August with a miscarriage. It seems like a fucking joke when IVF should take all of 6 weeks, even with a long protocol.

However, the Early Pregnancy Unit my new GP referred me to yesterday were absolutely amazing. I’m not sure I have the words to express just how incredibly lovely and kind they were. My Mum came with me today since my husband had to work and she is pretty hard. My Mum cried because the nurse was so nice to me. Granted, she may have been feeling a tad emotional about something else but that is what tipped her over the edge.

Because I am at a new hospital they won’t allow any medical intervention until they have done two successive scans themselves that show deterioration of the foetus. They did however agree with me that it has definitely died and there is no hope. They were very sorry that they couldn’t intervene sooner, but there are rules in place to make sure that they don’t accidentally terminate something that turns out to be viable. I guess normally people don’t know when conception occurred, but my case is different, plus I have already had two early scans.

I have open access now to the gynaecology ward, which means I can call up and be admitted anytime. Even if I think my ovary has twisted, or I have sudden, dramatic bleeding that requires me to call an ambulance I can tell them just to take me straight to that department and bypass A&E.

I’ve decided to book myself in for an ERPC. I keep calling it a D&C but apparently that is wrong now. I just realised I don’t know what ERPC means. Hang on.

Holy fuck, Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception. Good Lord, that sounds horrific. Why did they change it to that?! Anyways, that’s what is happening next week. If in the meantime I get bleeding or cramps, I can just admit myself to the ward and they can give me stronger painkillers than I have at home and fluids if I need them. If I do have bleeding earlier they will rescan me then. If it shows deterioration before Wednesday next week, they will just book me in for an earlier ERPC.

It seems ridiculous given the circumstances but I feel so, so much better today. I didn’t even cry in the EPU when they told me the foetus had died. I obviously knew that it wasn’t developing properly and I had horrific cramp last night so I knew that really. I felt completely hopeless on Monday after the scan; just left at home waiting to miscarry and all the terror and uncertainty that an emergency trip to hospital can bring awaiting me. The GP went a long way to alleviate my worry yesterday and the EPU today just completely took everything out of my hands. For a worrier, this is amazing. They have literally given me a plan for every possible outcome of what might happen this week, what I can do, what they can do, and what will happen next. They even made sure a doctor reviewed my scans and examined my massive ovary before they discharged me.

I am so glad it was possible to be seen at the NHS hospital, and it has restored my faith in them somewhat since they were so brilliant. I have tried to get pregnant for 3 years, I’ve had 2 operations, 6 months of Zoladex, 1 round of IVF that was cancelled when I didn’t respond to drugs, a delay because I was in the 1% of people who develop an ovarian cyst, another round of IVF with only 2 eggs, and I finally become pregnant to be told at 9 weeks my baby is dead. And how do I feel now? Kind of relieved really. Sad, but relieved I am being looked after. I don’t have any worry in me about what I have to do next to make this okay; someone else is sorting that out.

So that’s that. I know that if you are currently going through IVF or you are in early pregnancy too that this story isn’t one you want to hear, but it’s not very normal. Most pregnancies turn out just fine.

I think I have more stuff to say but I’ve almost died from boredom myself so I’ll save it for another rainy day, I guess I might have a few coming up soon anyway.

BB xx

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61 thoughts on “If you are going through hell, keep going

  1. jack joseph's mom

    Big hug, BB! Laugh when you can, write how you feel, and know there are plenty of us out here that can actually feel your heartbreak, as we have been through some form of it on our own as well. We are your friends and we are here to support you – however you need it. XOXO

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I can’t believe how many people have left me lovely messages. It’s rubbish so many of you know what I’m going through. I’m going to allow myself a couple of weeks of doing whatever the hell I like, then I’m going to sort myself out with a new plan.

      Reply
  2. Aislinn

    I hate the outcome of this, but I’m glad you’re being taken care of. I understand how being told what to do if X, Y or Z happens can be a weight lifted off your shoulders. We do so much research, try natural remedies on our own, not to mention the medical stuff we go through, just to get pregnant; we have to be our own advocates so often, so I can see how being told what to do for once, instead of coming up with the game plan yourself, would be nice.

    I’m not sure what the “right” or “best” outcome of this situation is, but I hope that whatever happens, it happens without pain and you’re able to move on when you’re ready. You’re in my thoughts ❤

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yes, I definitely feel better that this next part is out of my hands. I’m not sure I can worry about anything else right now… I’ve reached my limit!! I’m getting a lot of cramp now, but the hospital said if I couldn’t manage it at home just to go in for some stronger painkillers. Thank you for thinking of me x

      Reply
      1. SubFertileChick

        That comment needed a ‘like’ button. So in the absence of a button, know that I like it xxx

  3. ecutri

    You have been through hell. I don’t know what is worse, having everything be completely fine and finding out randomly that the heart stopped after being told everything was progressing perfectly, or knowing from the beginning and having to “wait it out” just in case there is a glimmer of hope that it turns out to be viable. Either case is shit, regardless, but playing on the strings of emotions is awful. I am thinking of you often and hope you can find peace. Are you going to be doing chromosomal testing to try to figure out what went wrong?

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I did ask them about that today. They don’t routinely do it for early miscarriages like mine, but they always do it for later ones. The nurse said it was outside her remit to decide, but given my circumstances it was definitely something I could discuss with the doctors. I really hope they agree to do some testing. It will be hard enough going through this again, but financially it is getting incredibly difficult. I’d probably keep going until I go completely mental, but I’m not sure I can afford it.

      The unknown is torture, and I am glad mine is over, but I can’t imagine going from thinking everything is okay to having that taken from you. In my mind that is worse. I am keeping a close eye on your blog for your forthcoming IVF and very much keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you xxx

      Reply
      1. ecutri

        Thank you so much. I feel the same way about the financial aspect…we were so lucky the last 3 years being able to afford it all out of pocket, but it adds up…this is the first time we had to get a loan and honestly, I am ok with that. I think I have already gone mental to some degree, I think we all do when torturing ourselves with all of this…sometimes I feel like a crack addict…like this is what I NEED to do. I couldn’t even imagine taking a break as it gave me pure anxiety just thinking I wouldn’t be doing absolutely anything and everything I can possibly do to make this work, and my anxiety got the best of me and we jumped right back in. So here I am, excited to be injected with more hormones than I can possibly imagine while I cry every time I hear a sad song, or see something that reminds me of my baby I lost, or freak out over the tiniest thing because I just can’t control myself with all this medication and I truly believe that this, at least for now, is my new normal.
        I’ll be watching for your next steps and I hope that you can get the closure you need. I needed to know so I specifically asked for the chromosomal tests. It did give me some closure knowing that there was nothing that I could have done to change things and it was in no way my fault.
        Keep on trucking 🙂

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        It seems ridiculous that we are spending all the money we have and taking out loans for something people do by mistake. That made me laugh when you said you felt like a crack addict (no mean feat at the moment)… That’s so true! Do you mind me asking how long it took for your cycle to return to normal after the D&C? I was slightly unhinged before, so all these meds… Geez, I think my husband has had to really get to grips with the “in health and sickness” part of his vows, poor man. Thanks for your messages. I feel like a whirlwind of worry about money, what’s happening next, what people think of me, pain, anger, nevermind the dead foetus I have to carry about for another week. It’s been a real life saver knowing there are people out there who are thinking of me, even if we have never met!

      3. ecutri

        I don’t mind at all! Let’s see…my D&C was on June 26th and my level was finally zero as of last week…so that is approximately 7 weeks. It was awful because you see how quickly the numbers rise but they sure do take their sweet time falling…my levels were 77,000+ (Day of D&C), 1,392, 271, 68, 22, 10, 5.04 (barely above positive still), 0. The week after the D&C I could feel my levels dropping off quickly, I was a mess and really REALLY snappy. (but everyone is different…some fall quicker than others)

        I hated walking around knowing that my baby was dead in my ute…I didn’t want to face anyone…but I also didn’t want them to take him from me. I think the D&C was the worst day of my life, there’s really nothing that can prepare you for it and I just wanted so badly for that day to be over. I tear up just thinking of that day.

        I had mini conniptions every time I knew I was going to see someone for the first time since losing the baby, I’d hate the look of pity and sorrow, I hated all the comforting talks…and there were many…I hope your coping is much better than mine was as I felt so completely out of control and just wanted to curl in a ball.

      4. barrenbetty Post author

        Thanks so much for the information, that’s really really helpful. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It is just the most cruel thing ever.

        I some ways I am dreading the D&C, but in other ways I am terrified I will have a natural miscarriage before hand. I don’t think I can cope with that… I just want to go to sleep and wake up and it be over.

        I hate pity too. I hate it so much it makes me want to hurt people, even when I know they are trying to support me… I just want to smack them. It must be a nightmare being around me right now!!! I have spent the last 2 days in bed. Literally, the entire days in bed so if that is coping well then, err I’m doing great. I’ve decided to allow myself a full 2 weeks of going mental, then I am going to pull myself together. That’s the plan anyway. Thanks so much for your help, I really appreciate it xxx

      5. ecutri

        oh no problem! That time line seems very good…that’s when I started picking myself up again and came back into the office…I was lucky enough to be able to work from home so as not to face people. I hope you have a good weekend, even if it is in bed. You have lots of people thinking of you. It’s just a shitty situation and there’s really no other way to describe it. It’s exactly what my doctor said to me, too…she has a medical degree so it must be right 😉

  4. hopefulandhungry

    I’m am so very sorry that you lost the baby. I am, however, glad that you feel like you are being taken care of and I’m so glad to hear that you interacted with such kind medical people after some of the others ones you’ve had to deal with in the past. Be kind to yourself, take care, drink wine, and move ahead when it feels right. Thinking a lot about you…..xoxoxo

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you. I really am so relieved that I was looked after properly after the horrible scan on Monday. We have a bank holiday in the UK this weekend so I have 3 days of wine, pâté, blue cheese, cured meats and cocktails ahead of me… And anything else I wasn’t allowed before!!

      Reply
  5. jbella74

    I am so glad to hear you have a new facility with better staff interaction, it can make all the difference. I am thinking of you. I cannot imagine the emotion or pain you may be going through with this loss but I will say what I do know in getting through the day…cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell and lean on those around you. Hugs my friend…

    Reply
  6. stillamamawannabe

    My heart has been breaking for you dear Betty. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in. I am, however, glad that you are finally being cared for the way you should be. Take care of yourself and know that only time will begin to help you heal and move forward. I am hugging my laptop screen and I hope you can feel the love being sent from New Mexico. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Reply
  7. lisaliteration

    I love that phrase in the blog title too. Because really, what else can you do? I’m glad you’re being well looked after now. I do agree you should fight to get chromosomal testing done, and I hope someone is willing to do that for you. You’ll definitely be in my thoughts over this next week; I hope everything goes as well as it can. ❤

    Reply
  8. Lisette

    Truly devastated for you, I’m so sorry. Pleased you are getting the attention you have so deserved in this isolating and heart wrenching process. It’s the least they could do. Thinking of you xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks. I can’t wait for this week to be over. I feel like I am ready to draw a line under all of this and get together a new plan. I am allowing myself a week or two of being mental though and spending all day in bed eating crisps first x

      Reply
  9. mammacod

    Hugs from across the pond! Your IVF sisters are lifting you up, and I’ll join in the chorus of the “keep goings!” No one should ever–EVER–have to go through what you’ve gone through, and all I can do is sympathize. But without knowing you person, I know how incredibly strong you are. It seems there’s hope in your new care team. Lean on them, and lean on us.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I thought of you this week because I walked past a shop called Guppy’s. Made me lolz, but I couldn’t explain to my husband why! Think he thought I had finally gone completely mental. I am keeping all my fingers crossed for your next cycle xx

      Reply
  10. Positive Pants

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Having been through a miscarriage I understand how you feel. It sux and its unfair and I just wanted to move on. I hate that new acronym! So bleugh!
    All the best for the next few weeks. It sounds like the staff at your new hospital are lovely and you are in good hands.
    Xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you so much. I read your story and I’m so sorry you had such an awful time. Miscarriages are definitely the work of the devil. I hope your cycle is going well and I’m looking forward to more updates soon xxx

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It totally does. Fucking sucks big time. I’d be completely smashed right now if I didn’t still feel so effing sick… ARGH!!! I am going to stuff my face with blue cheese, pâté, cocktails and any other pregnancy-banned food and drink this weekend xx

      Reply
  11. catschristmas

    Your open honesty astounds me. I think you are so brave and strong and I know it’s hard to keep fighting the fight sometimes. I’m so sad for you although we knew it was a possibility, but I’m also hopeful now that you are surrounded by a team of good people. Go get drunk, eat crap and hug your partner tight. Love from afar BB xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you. I would so badly love to get drunk but I still feeling effing pregnancy sick. I am going to force down some wine later anyway, who cares. I don’t think you would think I was brave or strong if you could have seen me yesterday or today. I spent the entire day in bed. Had a shower both mornings, put clean PJs on and went back to bed. For the whole day. I only got dressed yesterday because we needed toilet roll and even in my tragic state, I am not depressed enough to do without toilet roll.

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I am very glad the doctors and nurses here seem so lovely. I am a strange mixture of wanting sympathy and also wanting to kill anyone who shows me pity so I feel bad for my friends and family who are trying to support me at the moment… I’m not a good patient!

      Reply
  12. CGsaysstuff

    Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss.
    What you’re going through is such a heartbreaking process, only made more scarring by the physical effects. I hope the best for you and am sending you hugs and healing.

    Reply
  13. The infernal infertile

    Oh Betty… this is just such heart-breaking news…

    When we had our miscarriage in the A&E the Doctor (who was quite young) ended up fighting tears while talking to us. Knowing they are human and actually care really helps at a time like that, so I’m so glad you managed to find some supportive medicos when you needed them most.

    And good God! Why on earth did they change the name of the D&C… surely we were all better with that medical gooble-de-gook than utterly horrific sounding plain-speak!

    Anyway… thinking of you xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you. I hate how many of you know what this is like. I am quite relieved that under no circumstances will I have to go to A&E and wait in a massive queue at least! I’m starting to get quite bad cramps now and I really don’t want to have a natural miscarriage… Hopefully I will make it to Wednesday.

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks Lentil, and right back atcha! I hope the twins keep growing nice and strong. It’s been a shitty week, but I guess it’s been a shitty few years. I will just have to dust myself off and carry on… After I have eaten lots of blue cheese, pâté and drunk a few cocktails that is x

      Reply
  14. bebeparler

    Betty I’m so glad you’re finally getting the care and concern you really need right now. Ta for the mention, I can’t claim credit for that though. Been thinking of you today. Don’t be brave- “no heroines”! – just let it all out. We’re all here for you. X

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      You can totes claim credit… I’d never heard that quote before and I think it might be my new mantra. Oh god, it’s a bit of a tragic mantra isn’t it?! I am definitely not being brave. I spent the last 2 days in bed. I guess I will have to face civilisation sometime, but not yet.

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you. I can’t believe how many people have left me lovely messages… It really helps to know there are people out there thinking of me. I know so many of you unfortunately already know how awful this is too. I’m looking forward to being able to move on after the ERPC next week x

      Reply
  15. viv

    There is a difference between a D&c and the horrifically named erpc. (i cried everytime they called it that an shouted “its not remains of a conception IT’S MY BABY!”) Anyway, D&c is dilation and curretage, where they cut round the outside of the uterus to break off.the placenta. For erpc they dilate but then use suction.

    My hcg dropped from 100,000 to under 100 in a week and my period came exactly 28 says after the op.

    I hope its all physically painless at least.

    Enjoy the stilton x

    Reply
  16. babyhopeful

    So, so sorry to read this. You are being so brave. Look after yourself & do whatever helps you & DH get through. Great you’re in good hands with your hospital, takes a weight off. Loads of love & hugs. xxxxxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you so much. I do feel relieved that I don’t have to worry about the miscarriage and being scared… Someone else will look after me. I still wish it wasn’t happening though! I’m starting to feel very crampy so it all feels a lot more real now. I had a proper cappuccino this morning and am planning on some wine this weekend, definitely. Thanks for the message x

      Reply
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