Ok, I’m going to warn you this is going to be terribly, terribly sad. Obviously it’s much worse for me, but if you are of a delicate nature I’d turn off now.
I guess that you can already imagine, given my earlier warnings that today was not going to go well.
I also need to give credit to My IVFing Story for the blog title. She posted this as a comment on my last post and I loved it. I told my Mum today just after we’d heard the foetus had died and my Mum laughed. Lolz, she is as morbid as I am.
Anyway, if you imagined all was not well you are mainly right. Our earlier observations that a) the foetus was far, far too small right from the 7 week scan and b) not growing properly turned out to be correct and = c) no heartbeat anymore.
I am very, very sad. And I’m very angry that I started IVF at the beginning of February and I am ending it at the end of August with a miscarriage. It seems like a fucking joke when IVF should take all of 6 weeks, even with a long protocol.
However, the Early Pregnancy Unit my new GP referred me to yesterday were absolutely amazing. I’m not sure I have the words to express just how incredibly lovely and kind they were. My Mum came with me today since my husband had to work and she is pretty hard. My Mum cried because the nurse was so nice to me. Granted, she may have been feeling a tad emotional about something else but that is what tipped her over the edge.
Because I am at a new hospital they won’t allow any medical intervention until they have done two successive scans themselves that show deterioration of the foetus. They did however agree with me that it has definitely died and there is no hope. They were very sorry that they couldn’t intervene sooner, but there are rules in place to make sure that they don’t accidentally terminate something that turns out to be viable. I guess normally people don’t know when conception occurred, but my case is different, plus I have already had two early scans.
I have open access now to the gynaecology ward, which means I can call up and be admitted anytime. Even if I think my ovary has twisted, or I have sudden, dramatic bleeding that requires me to call an ambulance I can tell them just to take me straight to that department and bypass A&E.
I’ve decided to book myself in for an ERPC. I keep calling it a D&C but apparently that is wrong now. I just realised I don’t know what ERPC means. Hang on.
Holy fuck, Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception. Good Lord, that sounds horrific. Why did they change it to that?! Anyways, that’s what is happening next week. If in the meantime I get bleeding or cramps, I can just admit myself to the ward and they can give me stronger painkillers than I have at home and fluids if I need them. If I do have bleeding earlier they will rescan me then. If it shows deterioration before Wednesday next week, they will just book me in for an earlier ERPC.
It seems ridiculous given the circumstances but I feel so, so much better today. I didn’t even cry in the EPU when they told me the foetus had died. I obviously knew that it wasn’t developing properly and I had horrific cramp last night so I knew that really. I felt completely hopeless on Monday after the scan; just left at home waiting to miscarry and all the terror and uncertainty that an emergency trip to hospital can bring awaiting me. The GP went a long way to alleviate my worry yesterday and the EPU today just completely took everything out of my hands. For a worrier, this is amazing. They have literally given me a plan for every possible outcome of what might happen this week, what I can do, what they can do, and what will happen next. They even made sure a doctor reviewed my scans and examined my massive ovary before they discharged me.
I am so glad it was possible to be seen at the NHS hospital, and it has restored my faith in them somewhat since they were so brilliant. I have tried to get pregnant for 3 years, I’ve had 2 operations, 6 months of Zoladex, 1 round of IVF that was cancelled when I didn’t respond to drugs, a delay because I was in the 1% of people who develop an ovarian cyst, another round of IVF with only 2 eggs, and I finally become pregnant to be told at 9 weeks my baby is dead. And how do I feel now? Kind of relieved really. Sad, but relieved I am being looked after. I don’t have any worry in me about what I have to do next to make this okay; someone else is sorting that out.
So that’s that. I know that if you are currently going through IVF or you are in early pregnancy too that this story isn’t one you want to hear, but it’s not very normal. Most pregnancies turn out just fine.
I think I have more stuff to say but I’ve almost died from boredom myself so I’ll save it for another rainy day, I guess I might have a few coming up soon anyway.