Crumpled up piece of paper lying here

Well I won’t lie, it’s been a rough few days. If I had to quantify it, I’d say about as rough as Lindsay Lohan’s face multiplied by Donatella Versace’s leathery bum cheeks and raised by a factor of 15 to the power of 10.

I don’t think I’m going to go on about the ERPC, suffice to say I have been ERPC-ed. If you ever feel like you want to know anything about it, drop me a line and I will go into great unlimited detail.

I had a very bad mental episode this weekend which left my poor husband thinking I was having a proper nervous breakdown. I think he is convinced I still am, but I am not so sure. I think I’m sorta on the edge. I feel incredibly anxious and out of control with no plan, but we are contacting a new clinic tomorrow so a plan should be forthcoming.

What else? I’ve drunk too much. I’ve eaten bad food. I look 3 months pregnant. My best friend who on being told I needed IVF 5 months ago was VERY WEIRD, couldn’t stop covering her face and wailing, “Oh God, no no no. This is so terrible, I don’t know what to say” then proceeded to ignore me entirely for the next 5 months, popped back up out of the woodwork the day I went in for the ERPC. I was feeling quite peeved that when I was clearly facing a very difficult time, she had done a bunk for months, but I was busy focussing on IVF and all that shit jazz. You win an award if you can guess what she had to tell me.* Guess it makes sense why she has been so fucking weird. I have more to say on this and “friendship” in general, but I am VERY PISSED right now so I am going to be all grown up and let the dust settle around my barren sickbed of crisps, wine and pizza before I write a post/draw an angry cartoon.

I am so thankful for all the messages I’ve had from you the last week. It has honestly been the worst few weeks of my life and I really don’t know where I would be without the support I have here. I’m sorry I have been a bad replier again. Lame. I’m getting my shit together now and will henceforth be less lame.

I need something to focus my mind on for the next couple of weeks that isn’t work and isn’t IVF or miscarriage related. I started a painting a while ago and never finished. Partly because I am lazy (mainly because I am lazy) and partly because when I was painting it I was feeling sad, and now it looks sad. People look at it and say, “that looks sad”. Well, perfect. It’s going to be a MASTERPIECE because I am the most fucking sad sad-sack I know. I’m going to show you a picture of my current progress to shame me into finishing it.

I can’t remember why I started writing this post. I’ve just opened a bottle of premium cider which ain’t going to help either. The post title is a line from a Taylor Swift (yeah, shoot me, whatever) song that used to go round and round and round my head in the IVF waiting room. I used to just sit there, looking at all the sad, crumpled faces and that stupid line played in my mind on a loop that never ended.

BB xx

*imaginary award

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57 thoughts on “Crumpled up piece of paper lying here

      1. barrenbetty Post author

        My house is going to be full of sad, blue ghosty sea side pictures of empty boats soon. I will become and old lady that little kids are scared of.

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        Haha, WordPress really needs a ‘like’ button. I’m allergic to cats so 20 of them plus my wheezing snotty chest would really freak kids out. I also plan on growing really long white hair and maybe a beard.

  1. Nushi

    The picture is just a depiction of what you are going through now. The dark and grey will clear eventually and the boat will sail out of the docks.

    and…you will be anything but the old lady that little kids are scared of!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Nushi, I genuinely think if I could trade places with anyone it would be you. You seem like such a lovely person, and I am so angry and mean. I will make it my life’s ambition to be more like you, starting now.

      P.s. I am looking forward to the boat setting sail. Hurry up please.

      Reply
      1. Nushi

        Aww- that’s very kind of you Betty!

        Your boat will set sail…just hang in there and don’t lose hope. The fact that you had an intrauterine pregnancy says a lot and I’m hoping you find the right doctor who’ll take off on that and work together with you.

  2. bloggerkuwait

    Oh honey, you ripped my heart out. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been going through, but you’re completely entitled to a nervous breakdown right about now! It’s okay….let it all out so you can get back to what matters most to you and your priorities after you feel a little better. The truth is, I’m not sure this will ever blow over, it’s something huge that happened. But what I do know is that when you hold your baby one day in your arms this will feel a little less hurtful, and you will be a little less bitter. And as for your friend, isn’t it funny how infertility changes some of our closest friendships? I’ve had a similar situation with someone I’ve called my best friend for several years, the only difference is she never popped back up again. And also, we had the stupidest fallout based on the stupid subject, but she completely is careless about what I’ve been going through and doesn’t even know I’m pregnant. How sad. And as much as I am a fuck it, forget them and move on, best friends hurt. When you love them it hurts. I’m so sorry this is all happening at the same time love xoxo

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh no, don’t be sad. I’m trying not to make my posts too depressing! Friendships are hard when something like this happens. I’ve sent my friend an email to give her the full gory breakdown of how awful the last 6 months have been for me so I will see how she responds. In general, my friends have been bad. It makes people feel awkward and I’m tired of pretending everything is okay. Thanks so much for your messages.. I don’t know where I’d be without them x

      Reply
  3. CGsaysstuff

    Im sorry you’re having to go through so much right now. Hugs.
    The painting is great. Sad, or no.
    At my darkest times i’d draw and paint, then post the images to my FB page ( i have a fledgling local business attempt) and i swear people were thinking, wtf, picasso, chill out.
    But it helped, it was cathartic. I hope you find the same.
    Your honesty and…..well…..bitter sense of humor ( in this post, no judgement!) is refreshing.
    Hoping for the best , healing, all that good stuff.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you. I think my already dark sense of humour is being burnt to a crisp! I do find painting cathartic and I like feeling productive; making something from nothing. I’m hoping things will pick up for us both x

      Reply
  4. hopefulandhungry

    I’m so sorry that you are going through such a tough time, it’s all completely understandable with everything you’ve had to go through. You are strong, and a beautiful artist. Things will get better, be good to yourself, even if that means more wine and cheese and Taylor Swift. πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I feel like it may involve a lot more cheese, wine, chocolate and Taylor Swift. However, I do feel like you will be the PERFECT person to design me a diet plan when I need it in a couple of weeks time. Deal? πŸ˜‰ xx

      Reply
  5. Steph Mignon

    Friendship just isn’t what it used to be. People are assholes and most of them lack the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes.

    Though I didn’t send you a private message, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I wish I had words to make the pain go away. To cheer u up. But I know there are none really. So what I will say is enjoy every drink, pizza, and pie in sight if that’s what you need right now. And try not to punish yourself for it! Oh and remember this: if you’ve been pregnant before you can and probably will be again. I’m not a doctor, but your mc sounds very similar to mine. Slow growth. Struggling heartbeat. Regardless, I won’t stop believing that there is plenty of hope left.

    And btw, your painting is absolutely gorgeous. Wow.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks Steph, that’s a lovely message. I’ve been keeping an eye on how you are getting on! I’m disappointed in my friends. It seems like a lot of them are acting like they might catch infertility off me. I appreciate it’s awkward when they are having children and I’m not, but it is definitely, definitely worse for me and I still manage to man up and be happy for them.

      I’m holding onto the fact that IVF made me pregnant once, even if I never managed it myself in 3 years. I almost feel like watching it not grow properly and slowly deteriorate and die has confirmed to me it was just unlucky and genetically abnormal. They wouldn’t do tests on it to check, despite my pleading and crying. I feel like getting as far as 9 weeks until the heartbeat stopped is more indicative of genetic problems than me being deficient in something.

      Anyways, I am either going to have children or my house is going to be full of sad, cloudy paintings. We will see.

      Reply
      1. Steph Mignon

        My thoughts exactly! You have now been pregnant and it seems quite apparent that you simply (though sadly) had a faulty embryo. Your body did it’s thing! And it will do it again. I’m practically sure of it. I really really do love that panting though. You have such talent.

  6. theunexpectedtrip

    I can’t stop looking at your painting. Man is it beautiful. Not be maudlin, but sometimes the stuff we create while in the scary depths can be stunningly beautiful and show people something they need to see. Like this.

    Your friend—sigh. I don’t know what it takes exactly to show/teach friends how to be. There is no magic formula. But for godsake sensitivity and compassion and a few selfless gestures are all it takes. Not so hard! Come on. Really. I’m so sorry she is so clueless.

    I’ve been in the scary depths many times and I am thinking of you and knowing you’re going to rise up like a phoenix. But it’s a place where my friendships and my love relationship took a beating, and where I did things like whack the plaster off the walls with a belt buckle and once trashed my memorial plant (I’d planted 4 plants in it at the time, one for each loss—by the 5th, I threw the pot against the wall). I remember that shaky, sweaty feeling, sitting naked in my living room with potting soil all around and all over me. I thought, “Okay, this is it. I have finally lost it.”

    But losing it is never final. You can always get it back. And you will. Much love to you.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh man, I can completely imagine smashing something right now. If I hadn’t have just decorated my dining room I could have smashed a glass or two against the wall at the weekend. I’m glad to hear it is possible to come through the other side. I definitely felt pretty out of control the last few days and lots of pregnancy announcements just made it that bit harder. Thanks for your message xx

      Reply
  7. Clare

    I just found your blog a few days ago. So much I can relate to here. Your painting is hauntingly beautiful. I have a bunch of sad sack paintings around my house from the past year as well. One of them is from the perspective of being at the bottom of the ocean and you just see a bit of light poking through the surface. Another is just a really dark cloud and snow flakes.
    I’ve had the friend issues too. One person in particular has just completely frozen me out. In my mind I call her “ice queen”. On the other side of things a friend I used to trash all the time bc I found her annoying and bitchy… Well hadn’t seen her barely at all in 2 years while she pumped out 2 babies. I saw her last weekend and she wrote me after to say how she could see I’m not myself and expressed concern. She wrote me the nicest most compassionate email. It’s very unexpected sometimes who’s going to be cool and who’s going to be a total dick.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh, hello! You appear to have found my blog at the worst possible time… Sorry about that. I am going to endeavour not to be too moany and depressing. I like the sound of your paintings. What type of paint do you use? I’ve been using oil paints which means when I get them all over myself and my clothes, it never comes off. That’s lovely about your friend, but definitely sad that we only get to see who our real friends are when something bad happens.

      Reply
      1. Clare

        Ha don’t worry about being depressing. Things can only go up from here anyhow. So sorry you have to go through this though. I hope you find some peace.
        I paint with oil too. They are messy and take forever to dry buy I think the colours are richer.

  8. bebeparler

    Betty I’ve been thinking about you all weekend – thank God you’re OK-ish. I’m so sorry about you losing your baby, you didn’t deserve that. It’s nothing you did wrong. I had same thing happen me last year, just our own sad genetics got jumbled up in our baby is all. I’m sorry about your lousy best friend too. I also had that happen me with one of my oldest best friends. Silence for months, no calls to see how I was doing, then on what would have been my baby’s due date, the day we mourned our loss all over again, came the pregnancy announcement. The “pleasant surprise” text, like rubbing it in that she didn’t even have to try. I’ve been very disappointed in her. Like your friend, I think some people just can’t face adversity and you know what, they’re the lesser for it. Now, I’m pregnant and she doesn’t know it, and won’t until I have a bump, if I ever get that far this time round. Don’t lose heart Betty, if you got pregnant this time, you will again. Keep believing.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I really hope it was just bad luck this time and that it can work again. I’m not looking forward to another few months of IVF and pregnancy to end in another miscarriage. I’m sorry about your friend, that’s rubbish. Have you stayed friends with her at all? I want to sort it out with my friend, but if she can’t face all the bad news I have at the moment then I don’t think we will be. I can’t be bothered pretending I’m fine when I’m not… I don’t think I should have to, especially with people I’ve known for over half my life!

      Reply
  9. elaaisa

    I just want to send you a huge hug. Don’t feel bad about drinks and junk food. There’s a time for everything and I feel this is not the time to focus on your diet.. I had something similar with a friend of mine. We managed to get over it after a while (and lots of effort on my side) but I have to say it never went back to being like before.. I hope it’ll work out for you. I hope things will get better soon. xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you. I’ve got a bit of a headache today which I imagine is junk food and wine related so I need to sort myself out soon! I’ve been disappointed in a few of my friends, and I feel the same… I end up making a lot of effort to make sure they aren’t worried about upsetting me and so that they don’t feel awkward. It’s frustrating!

      Reply
  10. mammacod

    Sending hugs and a reminder to stay strong, no matter how awful it currently feels. The most important thing here–and I know this does little to make you feel better–is that you are feeling OK and that you’ve recovered well from the procedure. I’ve found that focusing on a project, and throwing all of your energy into it, is super helpful (in my case it is food because my life revolves around eating). Your painting is stunning, and you are extraordinarily talented–I hope that distraction helps. Just keep focusing on the next step. And you _will_ get there. xoxoxo

    Reply
  11. ecutri

    ❀ Just wanted to let you know I think about you often. Time will make it easier to deal with and I am so happy to hear you have called a new clinic which means that there is a lot of strength left. I really hope this new clinic is 1,000,000 times better and that you get treated the way you deserve, like the lovely human being you are!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you… although I’m not sure anyone would have called me a lovely human being the last couple of weeks, I’m more of a rage-filled, angry, screaming lunatic. I think we have booked a consultation at the new clinic for 16th September so hopefully they can formulate a plan soon. They seem LOVELY on the phone, so fingers crossed that will translate to real life!!

      Reply
      1. ecutri

        Rage-filled, angry, screaming lunatic is just a temporary state, we all have days where we are not ourselves. Today, I am a waddling penguin. Having these feelings at all means you are a wonderful person who has a huge heart for caring so much about what you want so much. If you didn’t act like this I would be a little worried! I hope these people are so lovely that they spray glitter and confetti while they talk instead of shit and more shit that you have been dealing with. This sounds like the change you needed so badly and I truly hope it is worth it!

  12. missymakes

    I happen to love Taylor Swift AND sad-sack paintings, especially when they’re gorgeous. I’ve been thinking about you a lot – I really hope you get a plan for next cycle soon. It’s bound to lift the clouds a bit. Are they going to do any testing to determine the cause of the miscarriage?

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Me too.. I think I need something to focus on. I have provisionally booked a consultation for 16 Sept so not too long to wait, although I imagine it will be a while before we can start again. The hospital wouldn’t do any tests on the foetus, despite all my crying and pleading so we will never know what went wrong. Makes me angry, but not much I can do about it really.

      Reply
  13. Positive Pants

    Hey BB, I feel your pain. I’ve just had a friend come out of the woodworks too, saying she’s here if she needs me. Ummm hello where were you when I was going through IVF. Feeling very angry and saddened by the lack of interest from my real life friends…..hmmmm is this all really just showing us who our real friends are?

    Love your painting. Keep drinking and eating whatever you want. Fuck it!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      My motto right now does appear to be “fuck it” and my waist line is NOT thanking me. I am starting to get very peed off about my fat levels… I was doing so much exercise before operations and IVF took over my life and now all my clothes are really tight 😦 doesn’t exactly help the self esteem.

      God, what is wrong with people? My friends have on the whole been entirely lame. Now I am starting to tell people more about my situation some of them are slightly less lame, but… Nope, who I am trying to kid. Lame. Sorry about your friend. It pees me off. I am sure at some point something bad will happen to them and they will expect our support but they can’t be bothered for it to go the other way? Maybe infertility is just too much of a long game to be interested in. Maybe I am a bitch. Not sure.

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh my God, OH MY GOD!!! That is AMAZING!!! Argh! I am at a loss for words. I half cried and half laughed through the whole thing. This is the bestest, bestest thing ever. I can’t believe you did that for me… That’s so kind. I was having an extreme-sorry-for-myself day and you have just turned it around. I love it!! I am definitely becoming a fan of the Follicles of Ovarian HQ band.

      Reply
  14. The infernal infertile

    I can’t believe no one is competing for the imaginary award!! I’m totally in… can I have three guesses?

    I’m guessing her news was either:

    1. A herd of unicorns ran through her living room leaving nothing behind but poop and a little bit of glitter…
    2. She’s been selected to take part in a trial to have “empathy” surgically inserted, having proved to be the perfect candidate by displaying a total lack of it…
    3. She thought she was pregnant but it turned out to be four months worth of unreleased gas – only discovered when she went in to spontaneous “labour” and her house was filled with a hideous cabbage/rotten egg smell.

    Did I win?

    On a more serious note… I really do hope you’re doing ok. Like you, I hang on to the fact that I got pregnant once – and they said that was unlikely to happen. Already we beat the odds, even if we didn’t stay the course. It’s possible. Just hang on to that for now xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ahaha, you win a different imaginary award for the best guesses. I will present it to you at my imaginary awards ceremony later in the year (imaginary black tie dress code please).

      I’m trying to keep that in my mind… We did get pregnant once and it can happen again. I’m chanting it in between frantic bouts of sobbing, drinking wine and eating pizza. I guess that this happens a lot just unfortunately most people can pop out and get themselves knocked up again in no time. It’s a double whammy when an infertile person has a miscarriage.

      Reply
  15. The infernal infertile

    I hear ya!!

    The wine and pizza sure got a hammering after our miscarriage. I still think about what we lost every day – but I have to remember it’s only been 8 months and a loss like this will take some time to heal.

    Just be good to yourself, have lots of cuddles with your beloved, sob when you need to (I still do), and hang on to that little bit of hope. We might have lost the first fight, but the war isn’t over yet. I’m sure my little one is waiting for me, and you have to believe that your little one is waiting for you too xxx

    Reply
  16. Baby Hopeful

    I agree with others. You’re picture isn’t sad… it’s symbolic. The boat is just waiting. Soon you will get on the boat and sail out of the storm. Love & hugs to you. x

    Reply
  17. dogsarentkids

    Fan-fucking-tastic! (on the painting, I’m not THAT morbid, geez) I have read zero of these comments, so if you already answered this, do it again.

    Do you have a site with your artsy type things? Or do you just like to tease people?

    (I’m ignoring all the sad stuff on purpose. Oops, doing a terrible job)

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I used to have a website selling paintings and drawings, then I got side tracked and shut it down. I was wondering about starting it again, but they all just look a bit mediocre.

      I’m ignoring the sad stuff by eating lots of ice cream and drinking lots of alcohol, which works for a while… Then makes a horrible emotional bomb that explodes everywhere and causes great distress to anyone who has to witness it.

      Reply
  18. lamentingthelentil

    god, please don’t fret about being a bad reply-er or whatever. we all get from this infeetile world what we need when we need it, and we each understand that someone’s what we need is to be alone, be quiet, soak in the support and go paint. whatever you do is fine (including the booze and the bad food and the pissed offness at your friend). whatever you need is right. this in between stage is the absolute shittiest. i won’t tell you to hang in there, because that’s invalidating at best and patronizing at worst. this sucks and I’m sorry you’re in it. xo, sisterfriend.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww, that’s so kind! I’m still quite crampy after the ERPC and so, so tired hence my lack of updates. Only so many ways I can say, “still in my PJs, still eating pizza, still doing crap all.”

      How’s you and the embies? When do you test?

      I had a minor mental episode this weekend… Went away to cheer ourselves up and MIL decided that was the perfect time to text me that his cousin is due the same day I was. I am ashamed to say, I said a lot of bad words about both the cousin (met, married and now onto number 2 in the space I’ve been TTC and now DUE when I was?!!) and his mum. Kind of sent me right back to square one.

      Thanks for thinking of me πŸ™‚ I am going to give myself a kick up the backside and sort myself out soon (just after I’ve eaten one last pizza) xx

      Reply
      1. ecutri

        The embies are doing well! I actually finally got some to freeze! Three of the remaining 7 (after three were transferred). I was so shocked. My beta is on the 19th.

        I would have flipped if that had been my MIL. She doesn’t quite get the emotional rollercoaster you go through with this. She’s pretty insensitive to everything and it gets pretty aggravating especially since she literally lives in our house (in-laws quarters). UGH. She tries sometimes but always ends up putting her foot in her mouth. I wish I could kick her out and put my mom in there because she is so understanding.

        And I still have episodes once in a while, it gets a little easier as time goes by but it’s never perfect. Rest up, eat some more pizza, and I can’t wait for you to be back to posting. I am certainly looking forward to it.

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        Wow, that’s absolutely brilliant!! I can’t imagine we will ever get frosties… 3 is really great.

        You must be some kind of saint living with your MIL. I’d have killed mine a hundred times over if we lived in the same house. We haven’t told her about the IVF or infertility but she knows about all my endometriosis operations, and she knew about the miscarriage. I don’t think I can cope with her knowing about IVF… She is bad enough with everything else!

        I have almost finished a post, but it needs pictures from our weekend away and they are on DHs phone and I keep forgetting to ask for them.

        I’m (obviously) not happy you still have episodes too, but I am glad to know it’s not just me! Keeping my fingers crossed for you for the 19th xx

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