No plan. What a surprise*


You probably forgot I had my follow up consultation yesterday amidst all the Pumpkin Smackdown excitement. Good job for you I remembered.

I was pretty nervous, but happy to be finally getting a new plan together. I was apprehensive about how the Christmas closure would affect this cycle and I wanted to know if we’d be cycling before Christmas or after Christmas. Well, I needn’t have worried because there are no fucking plans, and no cycling visible on the horizon anyway.

If you see me anywhere, will you tell my body to go fuck itself? Ta.

I will keep this short because I am so bursting with self pity and rage, it might grow so big you will die from reading it. Apparently, as well as a naff AMH, the antral follicle count unveiled abnormalities with my lining and fluid in my right ovary, around my uterus and also somewhere else important I’ve forgotten. This means I need to go back for another mid-cycle scan in about 3 weeks. This will either show that:

a) (unlikely) Everything is magically fine and I can aim for an embryo transfer in January.

b) (also quite unlikely, Dr Hero seems to think this will resolve itself?) The lining stays looking weird and I will have a hysteroscopy to investigate, and god knows what else once they find out what is wrong with it.

c) (most shit, and most likely) They will scan me and all the fluid is still there, which means it’s likely to be something endometriosis related. If this is the case, they want to try and shrink it, which will mean shutting down my system entirely: at least 3 months of that fucking troll Zoladex and no IVF cycle until March at the very earliest.

Fluid was present at a scan I had in July, so I can’t imagine it’s going to disappear anytime soon. My lining has always been fine so I imagine the change must be a result of the ERPC/miscarriage. I hope that it’s nothing drastic, but knowing my luck so far it will be. Why scar my lining? Why? Why me when I’m already so fucking infertile? Infertile is an adjective isn’t it?

I wonder how many people I know will be pregnant by March. I’ve been trying to get pregnant since 2010 and now I am looking at having a baby in 2015 at the earliest? Fuck off body. I mean it, just fuck off. I imagine I will actually be a fully fledged alcoholic by the time March rolls around.

I’m going to sign off now before I write fuck again. Oh, hang on, final bit of bad news. They think I will have to have a general anaesthetic for my egg collection (whatever, fine by me) because they are concerned it will be tricky, but now they are also suggesting the eggs might need to be removed laparoscopically. What the actual fuck? (oops, sorry)

His message was: don’t worry we will get there; you just might need “the extra special treatment”. Yeah well, fuck off I don’t want it. I am also crapping bananas about the cost of all of this “special treatment”. I’m not made of gold.

I am planning on going ALL OUT next month to become naturally inpregnated, even thought the chances of that are about 1%. Kind of imagine that if IVF is a no-no, magical natural conception will be a bad idea/impossible anyway but who cares. If you see my husband, warn him will you?

I’m going to go and have a nervous breakdown now.

BB xx

P.s. You are probably crying a lot about this. I know I am. To cheer you up I have transcribed a real life event that happened to me today on the bus. I had a pen and note pad in my handbag so this is how it happened IN REAL TIME.

A Bus Story
By an extremely barren Betty

There is only the Bus Driver, an Old Lady (sat at the back, 80ish) and myself on the bus.

We drive past an enraged man on the pavement who starts jumping around and screaming as we sail past him.

Bus Driver: (shouting at the top of his voice) If you’re not putting your arm out, I ain’t stopping!!

Old Lady: (also shouting at the top of her voice) You tell ’em! It’s just getting worse. York is the worst place to be a driver. It’s so dangerous! The streets are too narrow and the tourists are idiots. The whole place has gone downhill!

The entire following conversation is screamed at full volume

BD: I disagree… Ilkley is worse.

OL: Yeah, full of druggies.

BD: No, I mean for driving!

OL: Oh, shame. It used to be such a pretty place.

A police car comes into view ahead, sirens blazing

OL: Oh Lordy! would you look at that!

BD: He’ll never get through that gap.

OL: It’s probably a murder hunt.

Still shouting as loudly as humanly possible, which turns out if you are a bus driver or an 80 year old lady is pretty loud.

BD: I don’t watch TV anymore!

OL: Me neither, I got rid of mine.

BD: Yeah well, I got rid of mine AND the radio. I don’t pay my TV licence now either. They keep writing to me demanding money, but I just write back and tell them to get lost.

OL: Good for you. It won’t work though, what with the government? I don’t trust them. I don’t pay them anything.

Some further conversation ensues about beating the government that I don’t understand because it doesn’t make sense.

OL: (In a knowing voice) It’s a government authority.

BD: Yes it is.

Short pause while another Old Lady and an Old Man get on. OL number 1 turns to me and says something about Wetherby and teacakes, but I only hear every third word so I politely nod and laugh at the end. She seems appeased. She tells me something about rain. I laugh again and roll my eyes. She looks confused and slightly angry.

We travel for another 5 minutes in a beautiful silence, then the Old Man presses the buzzer to stop the bus at the next stop and walks to the front of the bus preparing to alight.

OL1: (turning to OL2 and still shouting) You’re not supposed to get up until the bus stops.

OL2: I know! There are signs up everywhere. He can’t have read the signs!

Old Man stands firm at the front of the bus.

OL1: If you get up early and you fall it means you can’t sue ’em!

OL2: No. People who stand up early are just making fools of themselves.

Old Man looks stoically straight ahead into the mid distance.

OL1: I know a lady who did that and was terribly injured. I won’t go into it.

OL2: Impatient idiots.

OL1: Yes, just like car drivers.

Never mind all the onboard drama. The bus driver was a LUNATIC. It is 40 minutes of extremely windy roads which we hurtled along AT 60MPH (I don’t know what that is in American; it is fast for a crap bus). It was terrifying. I travelled the entire journey in the brace position.

I get this bus pretty much every week and the same oldies always get on it too. I decided to apply my rule about flying – ie if the air hostesses cry, then shit is bad. The old people seemed totally chilled, if not somewhat euphoric. Now I am wondering if they are going somewhere every week, or if it is just purely for the thrill of the ride?

30 thoughts on “No plan. What a surprise*

  1. ivfpincushion

    Oh betty. I’m so sorry about the frustrating wait. Rant, rage cry, eat and drink. And then in a few days try and get Zen about it (ha! As is!) And remind yourself there is nothing you can do to change it, and try to go with the flow. We have crappy insides, which appears to prevent planning.

    If Dr hero does figure out what’s up please let me know. I almost always have free fluid in my pelvis (since last yrs miscarriage anyway) but my Dr just tends to ignore it and not care!. I think I’m on the same path, just a bit further ahead, having had my hysteroscopy to investigate screwed lining today. I also have high afc with low amh and he wonders if I’m borderline pcos (cos I need that on top of endo just to make it even HARDER!). Who knows what it all means. Well, hopefully Dr hero will…

    Sorry for the ramble. Just wanted to say I’m sorry, and while a delay is SHIT it isn’t the end. Who knows how exciting things could be in 12months. Assuming you survive the bus journies that is πŸ˜‰

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ooh, we are infertile twins!! Umm… Yay?! I’ll let you know what I find out, and keep me updated on how you get on. I asked if my fluid had something to do with previous IVF/miscarriage and he said no?! When I was scanned in July just after embryo transfer (I was in excruciating pain!) they noted fluid behind my uterus and said it was because of the egg collection. Who knows. They all seem to disagree with each other! This is all so shit. I’m sorry you are having a crappy old time too xx

  2. Isabelle

    Oh BB. I know nothing I say would make things better. This is just crap. I am so sorry about things. I hope that in a few weeks your scan will show scenario a. Life sucks.

    BTW, these old people are hilarious! They are probably bored out of their minds at home and take the bus to just take the bus. Dunno.

  3. kiftsgate

    Ooohh BB, I’m really sorry the appointment didn’t go well. I hope the next check will be better. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug! On the bus driving: I have spent many bus rides terrified I would die soon in your country. On the other hand bus drivers are such idols: I couldn’t drive a bis (often old bus) that fast in tiny winding countryside roads. And I won’t tell you the number of buses that drove by me before I figured out you had to put my arm out… I know what you’re thinking: foreigners!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks love xx I can understand your problems with the buses… The same thing happens to me all the time and I was born here and I know the rules!! Bus drives are a law unto themselves.

  4. hopefulandhungry

    I’m sorry that everything is so shitty right now. It’s always a guessing game of how our wonderful bodies are doing when they do the lovely ultrasounds. I hope the news you get will be good and that you’ll be able to move ahead sooner than later. Thanks for sharing the bus story, only old people and young people can get away with having no filter.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yay! I’ve missed you. I need you to send me some good pumpkins recipes because I’ve bought tons of pumpkins to try and win Pumpkin Smackdown, but I have no ideas so now I will lose and have load of pumpkin I don’t know what to do with.

      I still can’t believe my appointment yesterday. I hope it doesn’t get any worse than it is now… I could really do with a crystal ball at the moment. How are you? Hope you are doing okay xx

      1. hopefulandhungry

        I’ve been MIA, sorry. I have an apple crisp recipe to post and haven’t gotten around to it. I don’t have any pumpkin ones yet. You can at least make roasted pumpkin seeds.
        I’ll be posting soon, but I start my Lupron today, gearing up for a FET in November. I would love a crystal ball as well!
        I’ll try to join the Pumpkin Smackdown if I can get off my lazy butt and carve a pumpkin. πŸ™‚

  5. Kate

    I am so sorry, friend. This whole thing sucks. Grrr. I wish I could do something to fix it. Hang in there. We don’t really have much of a choice, but we are fighters. Don’t give up. (I had a crappy day too – more to come)

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh no, I’m sorry you are having a hard time too. I just went over to your blog to read – so I’ll leave you a proper comment there. Thanks for thinking of me when you are going through such heartache of your own xxx

  6. hopingonhope

    I could add a few more foul mouthed F’s on your behalf! If being infertile didn’t rob me off my sanity, it sure made me un-ladylike with the mouth of a sailor! Your bus ride seems ahem… thinking of the right word here! πŸ™‚

  7. mylifeasacasestudy

    BB, looooove the bus story! I sometimes wonder what sort of old person I will be (sugar & spice, or angry & bitter), certainly both have their charms. Your RE news suuuuucks–I’ll be hoping for the best possible outcome for you! XO

  8. Lisette

    Oh BB, this is tough to take. I hate not getting a straightforward answer. We need answers now! Don’t they get that?! Why can’t Mrs Uterus just sort herself out already?! I’m hopeful that option 1 or 2 will pull through instead of 3, but will instruct the womb fairies to deliver a magical fluid-evaporation potion to you overnight anyway. Thinking of you xx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Exactly!! We need answers! And plans! We don’t like being left out in limbo. I am so hoping it will all just magically fix itself too but it’s looking unlikely. Urgh. I hope the womb fairies come soon!!

  9. dogsarentkids

    When I read something in quotations, I have to do it like I am listening to them or watching them, you know, in my head. So I am basically shouting at myself in my head, back and forth. I now have a headache.

    Welcome to the “There is a 1% chance you will get pregnant on your own, but I bet it will happen before doctors figure out what the fuck they’re doing.”

  10. shewillnotfail

    I literally just stumbled across your blog and I am so fucking frustrated for you (obviously swearing is contagious)! Let it out, cry and keep moving. It’ll happen for you – somehow, someway. Thanks for sharing your feelings with those of us going through similar situations.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Hello! Thanks for your comment. It is so, so frustrating and I hope you are right and that I make it eventually, somehow. All seems pretty far away at the moment. I am certainly doing lots of the letting it out and crying. Just need to work on the moving forwards bit :-/

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      We need to grab the laughs whenever we find them… Even if it is crapping bananas πŸ˜‰ Our bodies are crap. I hate them too. Why can’t they just work properly once? ONCE GODDAMIT!

  11. recurrentlylost

    I’m so sorry about your news. I totally hear you with not being able to stand that it will be 2015, and how many more people will be pregnant by then. The waiting is so freaking hard :(.

  12. ecutri

    B, Let me say something positive [since you already know I will…]
    Even though this is all crappy NOW, when everything is investigated and fixed you will have the perfect dwelling for a growing baby. I am very pleased to hear they are giving you the info you need to know, are taking added steps to make sure everything is perfect before you cycle, and they are looking out for you to make sure you don’t have to go bat crap crazy with another failure by creating the perfect environment for embryos. You will push through this, there may be a lot of fucks along the way but I think that what they are doing is wonderful even though everything feels shitty right now. I’d be more upset that your previous facility didn’t do more for you but you are fully deserving to be upset because all in all, the situation is crap right now but it has the potential to be awesome πŸ™‚

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww, thanks. I needed that! Been in a right mood all week… Just when I think things can’t get any worse they do. Sigh. I feel panic stricken when I think about delaying until the spring but I guess if that’s what has to happen to give me the best chance of it working then I will just have to do it. Thanks for the pep talk πŸ˜‰

  13. The infernal infertile

    That’s just bullshit BB – but once it’s all sorted you’re going to have a veritable uterine penthouse all ready for your next attempt. And what little embryo could resist such a wonderous thing?

    I’m already feeling for your poor husband! My beloved has issues with his sperm and we have to keep him “regularly milked” to keep things healthy. We’ve gone from trying to be spontaneous and acting like we’re having sex because we want to, to saying romantic things like “fancy some sausage” and “have you taken care of business?”. I don’t think I could put him through a marathon session to try and conceive naturally… and there’s only so much sausage a girl can handle πŸ˜‰


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