Holidays, penis trees and scans of doom

Stop crying! Put that cake down! Cork the wine! I am back from holiday.

I had a quite nice time, thank you for asking. For some reason I had a few periods of extreme, heartbreaking sadness. I was going to go into detail about that, but now I can’t be arsed so misery aside, the holiday was good. I am tanned. I ate lots of good food and drank a lot of cocktails. I also saw some fun stuff. Here are some of my holiday snaps:

A flower that looks like a bird singing.

A tree with a face. Looks like he had a bad day.

Penis tree. Before:


On the theme of penis trees, I really wanted to go on a pilgrimage to see this:

However, due to adverse weather conditions my plan got cancelled and I never made it. I still feel sad about that. I hope it wasn’t a bad omen for my fertility. An old man also told me at breakfast one day that he saw a sperm whale the day before. I took this as a good omen.

One day I went on a tour which involved me visiting a Wicker Basket Factory. Yeah, I know how to holiday. Unsurprisingly, the shop contained a lot of wicker baskets. It also contained about 10 million miniature wicker prams in various different sizes. You’d think I’d be safe in a Wicker Basket Factory, but no. That bitch infertility sniffs me out wherever I go. Evidence:

Another day I went up the highest mountain to see the amazing panoramic views. After a treacherous ascent, this is what I saw from the viewing point:


I also had a brainwave on holiday and the product of my brainwave is my new blog tab (currently under construction): It Looks Like A Penis. I don’t know about you, but I see penises everywhere. I will add to the gallery as and when I see new inanimate objects that look like penises, but if you see anything that Looks Like A Penis then please tweet or email me and I will add it to my collection.

My other news is that I had the Scan Of Doom on Wednesday and in true barren style, it was horribly doom laden. The good news is that my lining is no longer “raggy”, but it does now include a brand spanking new polyp that may or may not require removal. The bad news is that my endo has run amok in the two natural cycles I have had post miscarriage and I have new and enormous endometriomas, a newly adhered uterus to something (bowel?) and a metric ton of free flowing fluid. Just. Great. I imagine this will mean several months of that fucking troll Zoladex and a lengthy delay before our next round of IVF. I imagine this, because I don’t know. And I don’t know because the doctor was on holiday. STILL NO PLAN THEN, WHAT A SURPRISE.

In a last ditch attempt, I am going all out on Project Miraculous Natural Conception. It’s going okay so far, and I spied during my mid-cycle scan on Wednesday that I had a large follicle that looked ripe and ready to pop on my right ovary. Unfortunately, it is right by a gigantic endometrioma but hey ho. I had a positive OPK today too, accompanied my sharp pains on my right hand side. Hello ovulation! With this in mind, I not only laid flat on my back with my hips raised after sex, but I then flipped over ninja style and spent time on my right hand side with hips raised like somekind of human sperm pinball machine.

Also, thank you to all the Pumpkin Smackdown entries and much congratulations to all the winners! Fear not, I am collating the prizes as we speak and they shall be dispatched shortly. I guess you might get them in a week or so if you live near me, or sometime next year if you live in a foreign land.

I’m going to go now and catch up on all your news,

BB xx

P.s. WordPress wants me to tag this with “Icelandic Phallological Museum” I am going to google this immediately.

49 thoughts on “Holidays, penis trees and scans of doom

  1. Steph Mignon

    Can I just say, I love you? Seriously. LOVE. This penis laden post (sans the doom) was just the break I needed from studying negligence legal theories. Hair crossed into a pretty little braid just for you, that you get a natural conception miracle. Hey that shit CAN happen.

  2. Emz

    glad you had a nice holiday!There are millions of penis shaped thing here. There are two rocks on samui called grandma and granpa rock for anatomy reasons. There’s also a fertility shine downtown comprised almost solely of wooden penises

  3. newtoivf

    Missed you B, I love the before and after shots the best – and on a more serious note I do totally love those flowers… and that you went to a wicker basket factory. We need to party. Soon.
    Anyway lolz aside, its a fucking shitter about the endo and zoladex. Seriously universe, give the girl a break. Xxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Can you imagine what my parties are like if I entertain myself by visiting wicker basket museums on holiday? PAR-TAY! I hope the universe listens to you because I really want a break. The thought of waiting until spring or summer on Zoladex is pretty much enough to send me right over the edge.

      1. newtoivf

        I’m sat here sewing a tapestry to keep myself from going mental – we’re quite the pair!
        I hoe so much the Dr has an amazing non-zoladex plan for you xx

  4. The infernal infertile

    I love the idea of the “it looks like a penis” tab… I’m totally obsessed with phallic symbols and have been known to elbow the handsome husband on many occasions to point and snigger.

    Glad to have you back BB… glad you had a great break, loved the view from the top of paradise!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      We should be friends. I laugh at random penis shaped objects all the time! The top of paradise was pretty special. The journey to the top was so treacherous I am surprised we made it back alive.

      1. barrenbetty Post author

        Haha. Me too! It’s awkward though when you laugh at something and nobody else does. Then you have to explain why it was funny, and then it sort of isn’t funny anymore and you just seem like a perv. Maybe that’s just me :-/

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha, that made me laugh out loud!! Did you look up the museum? It’s hilarious. Quote: “The Icelandic Phallological Museum is probably the only museum in the world to contain a collection of phallic specimens belonging to all the various types of mammal found in a single country.”

      Yeah, probably.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks! For some reason I am hopeful too, although it dawned on me that although 1% sounds like a chance of getting pregnant… 99% chance of NOT conceiving sounds an awful lot worse. Boo.

  5. kiftsgate

    Is this a quiz to guess where you’ve been on holidays!?!? Because I think I have the answer!!! Great choice! I also loved the flowers, and also got lots of fog up the mountain, although I was lucky enough that the clouds went away for a while towards the end. Love the before and after pictures!
    Sorry about the scans of dooms. I hope your doctor comes back relaxed and with innovative ideas from his vacation. I think a fortune cat from Japan may help. You need to send me your address ( although I am off to see my family for a week and won’t send it before being back. xx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks! It was a really beautiful place and certainly much warmer than England! We were in such a bad cloud at the top we got soaked to our skins and it was about 2C. Nice. I will email you my address today… I’m pretty excited about my fortune cat!!! He has come at the right time because I definitely need some good fortune. Hope you have a nice week with your family xxx

  6. ecutri

    I love that you have an obsession with penis like objects. I will have to dig up the picture my husband took of me and my favorite penis rock formation on our anniversary last year. I wanted to climb up it and sit on the tip but Joe wouldn’t let me as I had a little too much wine at that point.
    I have an odd obsession with penis-shaped things as well.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ahahaha!! I just saw your tweet. Love. It. I should go on a pilgrimage to all these penis objects. OH MY GOD BRAIN WAVE! It could be a tour, “Penis Objects of The World” Infertiles would love it. I presume if you share my humour of objects that look like penises, you are coming on the trip?

      P.s. Am I allowed this picture in my It Looks Like A Penis tab, or is it just special for my own amusement?

      1. barrenbetty Post author

        Lolz. You are too funny lady!!! I want to do the ❤ sign but it looks like a bum to me so I can't. I still mean it though (love, not bums) xx

  7. dogsarentkids

    Serves you right for going to a wicker basket factory. And as all of my idiot fertile friends would say, “1% is still a chance! It only takes one! Just relax! Make sure you use those ovulation test stick thingies!”

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aaaand 99% of failure. Kinda doesn’t sound so good now does it?! I think my chances are great. I’m relaxed, I’ve been on holiday and I OPK-ed… Although with nothing to wee into on holiday I had to wee into the OPK plastic wrapper which took some skill.

  8. Pingback: More bad news! Why expect anything less! | barrenbetty

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