Stop crying! Put that cake down! Cork the wine! I am back from holiday.
I had a quite nice time, thank you for asking. For some reason I had a few periods of extreme, heartbreaking sadness. I was going to go into detail about that, but now I can’t be arsed so misery aside, the holiday was good. I am tanned. I ate lots of good food and drank a lot of cocktails. I also saw some fun stuff. Here are some of my holiday snaps:
However, due to adverse weather conditions my plan got cancelled and I never made it. I still feel sad about that. I hope it wasn’t a bad omen for my fertility. An old man also told me at breakfast one day that he saw a sperm whale the day before. I took this as a good omen.
One day I went on a tour which involved me visiting a Wicker Basket Factory. Yeah, I know how to holiday. Unsurprisingly, the shop contained a lot of wicker baskets. It also contained about 10 million miniature wicker prams in various different sizes. You’d think I’d be safe in a Wicker Basket Factory, but no. That bitch infertility sniffs me out wherever I go. Evidence:
I also had a brainwave on holiday and the product of my brainwave is my new blog tab (currently under construction): It Looks Like A Penis. I don’t know about you, but I see penises everywhere. I will add to the gallery as and when I see new inanimate objects that look like penises, but if you see anything that Looks Like A Penis then please tweet or email me and I will add it to my collection.
My other news is that I had the Scan Of Doom on Wednesday and in true barren style, it was horribly doom laden. The good news is that my lining is no longer “raggy”, but it does now include a brand spanking new polyp that may or may not require removal. The bad news is that my endo has run amok in the two natural cycles I have had post miscarriage and I have new and enormous endometriomas, a newly adhered uterus to something (bowel?) and a metric ton of free flowing fluid. Just. Great. I imagine this will mean several months of that fucking troll Zoladex and a lengthy delay before our next round of IVF. I imagine this, because I don’t know. And I don’t know because the doctor was on holiday. STILL NO PLAN THEN, WHAT A SURPRISE.
In a last ditch attempt, I am going all out on Project Miraculous Natural Conception. It’s going okay so far, and I spied during my mid-cycle scan on Wednesday that I had a large follicle that looked ripe and ready to pop on my right ovary. Unfortunately, it is right by a gigantic endometrioma but hey ho. I had a positive OPK today too, accompanied my sharp pains on my right hand side. Hello ovulation! With this in mind, I not only laid flat on my back with my hips raised after sex, but I then flipped over ninja style and spent time on my right hand side with hips raised like somekind of human sperm pinball machine.
Also, thank you to all the Pumpkin Smackdown entries and much congratulations to all the winners! Fear not, I am collating the prizes as we speak and they shall be dispatched shortly. I guess you might get them in a week or so if you live near me, or sometime next year if you live in a foreign land.
I’m going to go now and catch up on all your news,
P.s. WordPress wants me to tag this with “Icelandic Phallological Museum” I am going to google this immediately.