If you are in hell, don’t get your sandwiches out

I wrote a post after I found out that my first (and only) pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and I pinched a Churchill quote and called it, if you are going through hell, keep going.

I didn’t take that advice. I basically just sat down, made myself comfortable and got my sandwiches out. Big mistake. Turns out it’s pretty hard to get up again once you have sat down in hell. I am guessing (obviously) it’s a bit like running a marathon, then stopping for a little rest after 20 miles – stupid, it makes you realise how much your legs hurt and it just means that it is a thousand times harder to finish the race.

I’ve been hating myself a lot recently. My body works properly in so many ways, why can’t it just do this right?!! If I get a cold, my body fights it off and I get better, if I break a bone it mends, if I get a burn from the nurse putting too much cold spray on my skin too closely before I have my first Zoladex injection and it leaves a nasty, blistering burn, my body heals itself. That’s all magic; it just does it on its own. Why can’t it get (or stay) pregnant? Stupid piece of crap body.

I don’t know where I am going with this. Something about picnics and hell? Anyway, I have decided that it’s time to finish my sandwiches and scotch egg, get up off my lazy backside and get moving again. I am sick of being in hell, even if they have sandwiches here. I need to look forward and stop looking back.

I had another appointment with Dr Hero today after my meltdown last week. I am slightly concerned that my record is now flagged with a, “this lady is mental, WARNING!!” note, since on the way out a receptionist I’d not spoken to last week asked me if I “felt a bit better now?” and asked if I’d managed to, “get it all sorted out?” Oops. Anyway, Dr Hero was a total Hero. I feel so much better and less confused. The plan may not be concrete, but it’s definitely at least made out of something like polystyrene.

The Plan is another Zoladex injection on Christmas Eve (I know, happy Christmas to me!), hysteroscopy mid-January to remove a small polyp (and potentially get rid of scar tissue), another Zoladex injection, then start 375 Menopur two weeks later. This would mean that egg collection and transfer should be around the middle of February. Not quite the timescale I hoped for when I miscarried at the end of August, but not as bad as I feared last month. If they find scar tissue, I will be delayed by a further couple of weeks (no thank you, universe).

So Santa, if you are listening I don’t want any presents this year. It’s been a shit year and Christmas can just naff off. Please can you roll my present for this year over, and bring me a baby for next year instead?

Thanks in advance,

BB xx


33 thoughts on “If you are in hell, don’t get your sandwiches out

  1. Bachelor's button

    I really hope that Santa is listening and brings you your baby in 2014. It sounds like you are being well prepared for it! I too have spent years cursing my useless body. But positive thoughts to you for what is to come and raising a virtual whiskey-mac and saying a big fat ‘Ho ho ho and up yours’ to 2013 and a ‘welcome in’ to an altogether better 2014! Hxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I’m trying to keep my hopes down because I can’t actually imagine ever having a baby, but “you might have a baby by next Christmas” does keep sneaking into my head.

      I totally agree… Cheers! And up yours 2013, let’s hope that 2014 is much better for us all xx

  2. kiftsgate

    Santa got me an engagement ring in 2010, a honeymon in 2011 but nothing 2012 and 2013. I think he basically owns me twins! Glad you have a plan. We may be cycle buddies in February. xx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Dude, I’ve had sweet FA from 2010-2013. Operations, IVF and miscarriages don’t count so Santa owes us both big time!!! I so hope we will be cycle buddies! Seems like ages ago we last had IVF. I am really in the mood for just getting started again x

  3. newtoivf

    I’m so so pleased you’ve got a plan! Yay! This is so awesome, put those sarnies away and pack some energy bars in your bum bag cos this race is just getting started! Xxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha! I totally need to get my energy bars in my bum bag (Americans: read, fanny pack). I can’t believe we say bum bag, but I can’t believe more that Americans call it fanny pack.

      1. newtoivf

        haha they are both pretty awful names, but I think the Americans take the prize for most cringey! It is by far one of the worst things to come out of the 90s…I used to have a pink one and LOVED it. Don’t tell anyone.

  4. Kate

    Sorry this has been so hard on you. When we get let down, it is so hard to know what to do with that. I am glad you have gotten your groove back and you are back on it. We only have 2 choices: keep trying or give up. I am glad that you didn’t give up! Hang in there! Praying you get everything on your Christmas list! Hugs!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      That’s true. I don’t really know what to do with myself when everything seems really bad. I keep thinking the same thing – it’s give up, or keep going. I keep wanting to give up because keeping on going seems a bit too hard. Urgh. I just hope all this stress and heartache we battle through is worth it in the end x

      1. Kate

        I know it. So, so hard. I can relate. I have put off any baby-making for this month b/c the last miscarriage was so draining. But we are tough girls…eventually, we dust ourselves off and keep trying. Keep believing it will be worth it!!! Hugs!

  5. The infernal infertile

    Hope Santa comes through for you… I really, really do.

    2012 was a shit of a year for us… burgled twice, two credit cards defrauded, accident that wrote our car off… and finished off with a miscarriage on New Years Eve. Hurrah.

    Hoped 2013 would be better… and I guess it was, but still no baby 😦

    Big hugs and hoping you get your sandwiches packed up nicely xxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh god. I complained to a lot of people that 2012 was the worst year of my life… I spent most of it in a medically induced menopause, had numerous offensive and invasive tests, 2 operations and had to reduce my hours at work because I couldn’t cope with the side effects of all the drugs. I kept saying “at least it can’t get worse!!”

      Ohhh, but it did get worse. MUCH WORSE. Jesus, I’m not saying “it can’t get worse” ever again. I think you beat me on the shit 2012 year though. That is really shit. You totally don’t deserve all this shit. I want to smack infertility so hard in the face for you xx

  6. anexpatinuk

    Having a plan or know what the next step will be is good. That is what helped me through the dark days of the unknown, when not being able to imagine having a healthy baby, ever. Time is a strange thing, it doesn’t go quick enough but somehow, all of a sudden you will find yourself in the middle of treatment again. And that always bring a chance, and new possibilities. And really, Santa should listen! Hoping for a much better year to come your way.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yep, I understand that. Right now I just can’t imagine ever actually having a baby. Not now it’s been almost 4 years of nothing. At least a plan gives me a bit of hope again… and you are so right, one minute it’s miles away and the next minute your legs are in the air and there is a light shining on your private parts and about 5 people are all watching. Err, I can’t wait?!!

  7. redbluebird

    It is HARD not to sit right down and eat the sandwiches. I know that’s what I did. Of course, leave it to Hell to make addictive sandwiches.
    I’m glad you have a plan, and a tentative timeline. Sounds like perfect timing for having a new baby next Christmas!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      They definitely have the best sandwiches. I am mainly a big mess of up and down… Or at least I was before I started Zoladex and now I am mainly just a big mess of down. I can’t be so fricking miserable for another 3 months so I just need to kick myself up the bum and sort it out. I really hope this timescale works, and that IVF works (properly this time, please). I’m not sure how much more delays, heartache and money I have left!!

  8. AWishForBaby

    This is so fab that you have a plan – something you can work towards. I think that will really help you finish off that picnic of yours! And as for Santa, I’ve dropped him a line asking if he can defer my wish to you – if we all ask him to do this for you then maybe he’ll get the hint! Wishing you all the success in the world for this upcoming cycle, you so deserve a bit of happiness after all this shit you’ve been through. Xxxxx

  9. theunexpectedtrip

    “Turns out it’s pretty hard to get up again once you have sat down in hell.”—WOW. That is brilliantly said. Are we all having a massive picnic in hell right now?? Ahhhhhhh….

    Maybe Santa will come down and straighten things out. I hope so.

    Am hopeful for you. x

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I am so full of bravado and shit. Spent the whole entire day feeling sorry for myself with AF from hell AND hot flushes and headaches from Zoladex. How can that even happen?! Waa. I’ll get up tomorrow, or maybe next week. Or maybe after Christmas. Santa had better have a good fucking consolation present for us this year. Preferably something expensive and/or alcoholic.


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