I wrote a post after I found out that my first (and only) pregnancy had ended in miscarriage and I pinched a Churchill quote and called it, if you are going through hell, keep going.
I didn’t take that advice. I basically just sat down, made myself comfortable and got my sandwiches out. Big mistake. Turns out it’s pretty hard to get up again once you have sat down in hell. I am guessing (obviously) it’s a bit like running a marathon, then stopping for a little rest after 20 miles – stupid, it makes you realise how much your legs hurt and it just means that it is a thousand times harder to finish the race.
I’ve been hating myself a lot recently. My body works properly in so many ways, why can’t it just do this right?!! If I get a cold, my body fights it off and I get better, if I break a bone it mends, if I get a burn from the nurse putting too much cold spray on my skin too closely before I have my first Zoladex injection and it leaves a nasty, blistering burn, my body heals itself. That’s all magic; it just does it on its own. Why can’t it get (or stay) pregnant? Stupid piece of crap body.
I don’t know where I am going with this. Something about picnics and hell? Anyway, I have decided that it’s time to finish my sandwiches and scotch egg, get up off my lazy backside and get moving again. I am sick of being in hell, even if they have sandwiches here. I need to look forward and stop looking back.
I had another appointment with Dr Hero today after my meltdown last week. I am slightly concerned that my record is now flagged with a, “this lady is mental, WARNING!!” note, since on the way out a receptionist I’d not spoken to last week asked me if I “felt a bit better now?” and asked if I’d managed to, “get it all sorted out?” Oops. Anyway, Dr Hero was a total Hero. I feel so much better and less confused. The plan may not be concrete, but it’s definitely at least made out of something like polystyrene.
The Plan is another Zoladex injection on Christmas Eve (I know, happy Christmas to me!), hysteroscopy mid-January to remove a small polyp (and potentially get rid of scar tissue), another Zoladex injection, then start 375 Menopur two weeks later. This would mean that egg collection and transfer should be around the middle of February. Not quite the timescale I hoped for when I miscarried at the end of August, but not as bad as I feared last month. If they find scar tissue, I will be delayed by a further couple of weeks (no thank you, universe).
So Santa, if you are listening I don’t want any presents this year. It’s been a shit year and Christmas can just naff off. Please can you roll my present for this year over, and bring me a baby for next year instead?
Thanks in advance,