How do you pee on yours?

If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog (well done!) you already know that I fancy myself as a writer, as well as just generally fancying myself. I was chatting to one of my favourite all time general legends @duffeddream about the new advert for a popular brand of digital pregnancy tests when I had an idea for their next advert (call me, popular brand). I am going to market it at Easter with the Creme Egg adverts. It’s called, “How Do You Pee On Yours?” I am not sure if Creme Eggs are a thing in America, or if they have the same advert. I suppose I could find out, but I’m too busy*.

How Do You Pee On Yours?

CAMERAS ROLL AND ADVERT BEGINS IN THE SAME SETTING, WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL LADIES DRESSED IN CASHMERE JUMPERS SAT AT A TABLE HAVING COFFEE IN A LIGHT AIREY HOUSE WITH LOTS OF WHITE AND PEACE AROUND THEM.

If you haven’t viewed the vomit-inducing current advert yet, now is the time to experience it here

HOWEVER, it will go like this instead:

Silly woman: I have something to tell you!

Silly Woman whips out pregnancy test from under the table. The whole audience gasps, hoping it was pre-prepared peed-on-stick and not just freshly done under the table

Friend: Oh really?

Friend puts on a well-practiced fake quizzical look since she already deduced from the phone conversation prior to coffee what was on the agenda with her friend who got married four long weeks ago.

Silly woman: I’m pregnant!

Friend: Wow. Just, wow!

Friend covers face seemingly overwhelmed with excitement, whilst actually rolling her eyes sarcastically to the heavens and quietly cursing

Friend: So, how many weeks are you? Do you have a scan picture to show me?

Silly woman: God no! I’m 2 weeks… LOOK! IT SAYS SO ON MY PREGNANCY TEST! Here, look at it.

Silly woman jubilantly thrusts the test into Friend’s hand

Friend: Thank you.

Friend locks eyes with Silly Woman and takes hold of the pee stick. She flashes the 1-2 weeks panel to the camera. Never losing eye contact with Silly Woman, she holds the test steady in her left hand and slowly slides her right hand across to the sugar bowl. With long, delicate fingers she carefully extracts a sugar lump and plops it into Silly Woman’s coffee. With a quick side look to camera, she casually stirs the sugar in with the pee stick.

Silly Woman starts shouting and creating, but thankfully the horrible sound fades out and we zoom into Friend’s face which blurs all hazy ‘cos this advert is tres high tech.

FLASHBACK to all the times friend has POAS:

– In the office loo at work (negative)
– Into a cup, before dipping at home (negative)
– Onto her hand, onesie, floor and walls trying to free style POAS at home directly onto the test (negative)
– Messily onto a cheapo test you are supposed to dip just before heading out for works drinks (negative and time for some booze)
– Into a challengingly slim plastic tube at the hospital (ectopic)
– Onto 15 tests a day during IVF (miscarriage)
– Swearing profusely after accidentally peeing on a very expensive popular brand digital whilst intending to pee on an ovulation test (negative, OBVIOUSLY)

CUT BACK TO THE HORROR COFFEE MORNING

Silly Woman stalks out of the house leaving Friend stood at the door.

Camera pans back to Friend stood in the door way with a wry smile on her face. She turns to the camera and shrugs, throwing the Silly Woman’s pee stick into the bin

Friend: (staring challengingly into the camera) How do you pee on yours?

THE END

I think that marketing pregnancy tests to infertiles is a definite winner. We are desperate; we POAS all the time. All the time. All. The. Time.

In other boring news about myself, I had a few administrative issues with my clinic that I hope to God I have fixed because if I haven’t, I’m delayed again by at least another month. Sigh. I won’t bore you with the details. My pre-op appointment is tomorrow, polyp/scar tissue removal the week after, Zoladex injection the week after that and then fingers, toes, eyes crossed, starting stims end January. I am hoping that’s the way it goes all down, but I have learnt a great deal from my previous experiences and I now have no expectations whatsoever.

I have also updated my It Looks Like A Penis page. The geoduck (google it, go on google it now!) is simultaneously the worst and best thing I have ever seen in my life.

BB xx

*lazy

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24 thoughts on “How do you pee on yours?

  1. mylifeasacasestudy

    Very funny! I’m actually proud to say that I have broken my POAS habit this cycle–don’t know which was harder, quitting POAS or quitting cigarettes… Also I love the ‘it looks like a penis’ updates! XO

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Even after years of TTC, for my last natural cycle I promised myself I wouldn’t POAS and I managed 4 (all negative) before AF arrived a week late. Now I’m in a medically induced menopause so at least there is no point whatsoever in POAS. I’m bad enough with pee sticks, god knows how I’d give up cigarettes! I’ve never had one, otherwise I’d probably be addicted to those too. Well done for giving up poas AND cigarettes. You are one strong woman x

      Reply
  2. babyhopeful

    This is classic, I love it! So glad you are back blogging – you never fail to put a smile on my face. You definitely could be a writer! xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww, thanks! I kept meaning to blog, but was too busy lying about crying and feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to try and be a bit more positive for January! x

      Reply
  3. Adi

    I looooove Cadbury creme eggs. I love everything Cadbury. British chocolate is far superior to American crap.

    Also, I would totally buy an HPT marketed so hilariously towards infertiles. TOTALLY.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I love creme eggs too! I basically just put them in my mouth whole and try to eat without dribbling the whole lot down my chin. My husband puts them in the fridge then eats them in slices. Care to hazard a guess as to who is the fatso in our relationship?

      Reply
  4. amh! omg!

    Does anyone else have a special plastic cup in the bathroom cupboard? I’ve never managed to pee on the actual stick itself.
    PS Geoducks are weird creatures!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Me! Me! I do! Actually, I have a rather smart glass bowl. I used to use it to serve little individual puddings, but once I’d weed in it that just seemed wrong.

      Reply
  5. Smile

    LOVE your POAS commercial idea, genius. And you are so right, we are their BEST customers hands down. If I did the math on all the insanely expensive sticks I have peed on over the past two years I bet I could get a pair of designer shoes.

    Reply
  6. hopefulandhungry

    I haven’t seen this commercial in the US, but I like your spin-off better. I LOVE Cadbury creme eggs, but not as much as mini-eggs (with the hard shell). I’ve learned that it is sometimes best to have no expectations. I hope 2014 is nothing but spectacular for you. xoxo

    Reply
  7. Fertility Doll

    You keep your pee sticks away from my decaf coffee!

    They better get you started end of Jan, otherwise we’ll stab your consultant with Zoladex and see how he likes it! Yeah.. I’m still dealing with my anger issues. x

    Reply
  8. itsajennthing

    Welcome back, Unicorn! I was going to call you Uni for short, but i think in your part of the world, that’s short for university. Perhaps I will call you penis lover. But it might draw some interesting searches to your blog. Betty it is. I have already forgotten everything you posted about.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      THANKS BABE. You can use my full name Unicorn, I don’t mind. I already get very weird searches now… Current favourites are “I see penises wherever I look” and “holiday penis basket”

      Reply

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