If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog (well done!) you already know that I fancy myself as a writer, as well as just generally fancying myself. I was chatting to one of my favourite all time general legends @duffeddream about the new advert for a popular brand of digital pregnancy tests when I had an idea for their next advert (call me, popular brand). I am going to market it at Easter with the Creme Egg adverts. It’s called, “How Do You Pee On Yours?” I am not sure if Creme Eggs are a thing in America, or if they have the same advert. I suppose I could find out, but I’m too busy*.
How Do You Pee On Yours?
CAMERAS ROLL AND ADVERT BEGINS IN THE SAME SETTING, WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL LADIES DRESSED IN CASHMERE JUMPERS SAT AT A TABLE HAVING COFFEE IN A LIGHT AIREY HOUSE WITH LOTS OF WHITE AND PEACE AROUND THEM.
If you haven’t viewed the vomit-inducing current advert yet, now is the time to experience it here
HOWEVER, it will go like this instead:
Silly woman: I have something to tell you!
Silly Woman whips out pregnancy test from under the table. The whole audience gasps, hoping it was pre-prepared peed-on-stick and not just freshly done under the table
Friend: Oh really?
Friend puts on a well-practiced fake quizzical look since she already deduced from the phone conversation prior to coffee what was on the agenda with her friend who got married four long weeks ago.
Silly woman: I’m pregnant!
Friend: Wow. Just, wow!
Friend covers face seemingly overwhelmed with excitement, whilst actually rolling her eyes sarcastically to the heavens and quietly cursing
Friend: So, how many weeks are you? Do you have a scan picture to show me?
Silly woman: God no! I’m 2 weeks… LOOK! IT SAYS SO ON MY PREGNANCY TEST! Here, look at it.
Silly woman jubilantly thrusts the test into Friend’s hand
Friend: Thank you.
Friend locks eyes with Silly Woman and takes hold of the pee stick. She flashes the 1-2 weeks panel to the camera. Never losing eye contact with Silly Woman, she holds the test steady in her left hand and slowly slides her right hand across to the sugar bowl. With long, delicate fingers she carefully extracts a sugar lump and plops it into Silly Woman’s coffee. With a quick side look to camera, she casually stirs the sugar in with the pee stick.
Silly Woman starts shouting and creating, but thankfully the horrible sound fades out and we zoom into Friend’s face which blurs all hazy ‘cos this advert is tres high tech.
FLASHBACK to all the times friend has POAS:
– In the office loo at work (negative)
– Into a cup, before dipping at home (negative)
– Onto her hand, onesie, floor and walls trying to free style POAS at home directly onto the test (negative)
– Messily onto a cheapo test you are supposed to dip just before heading out for works drinks (negative and time for some booze)
– Into a challengingly slim plastic tube at the hospital (ectopic)
– Onto 15 tests a day during IVF (miscarriage)
– Swearing profusely after accidentally peeing on a very expensive popular brand digital whilst intending to pee on an ovulation test (negative, OBVIOUSLY)
CUT BACK TO THE HORROR COFFEE MORNING
Silly Woman stalks out of the house leaving Friend stood at the door.
Camera pans back to Friend stood in the door way with a wry smile on her face. She turns to the camera and shrugs, throwing the Silly Woman’s pee stick into the bin
Friend: (staring challengingly into the camera) How do you pee on yours?
I think that marketing pregnancy tests to infertiles is a definite winner. We are desperate; we POAS all the time. All the time. All. The. Time.
In other boring news about myself, I had a few administrative issues with my clinic that I hope to God I have fixed because if I haven’t, I’m delayed again by at least another month. Sigh. I won’t bore you with the details. My pre-op appointment is tomorrow, polyp/scar tissue removal the week after, Zoladex injection the week after that and then fingers, toes, eyes crossed, starting stims end January. I am hoping that’s the way it goes all down, but I have learnt a great deal from my previous experiences and I now have no expectations whatsoever.
I have also updated my It Looks Like A Penis page. The geoduck (google it, go on google it now!) is simultaneously the worst and best thing I have ever seen in my life.