Tomorrow

It’s been 20 weeks since my ERPC. I know that because I should be 30 weeks pregnant tomorrow, my ERPC was at 10 weeks and I am good at adding up in my head.

I’ve really loved having a blog, joining Twitter and finding so many people as amazing as me who know exactly how it feels to sit down in hell and get stuck there. However, it has its downsides. One being that the only reason I know I would have been 30 weeks tomorrow is because I am following blogs who cycled around the same time as me who post weekly updates (and as discussed, I am good at adding up/subtracting as required). Don’t get me wrong, I am fine (happy, mostly) with that, but it’s still true that it has the unwanted side effect of meaning I get regular reminders of how many weeks I would have been. 30. Not something I would have otherwise bothered to work out.

I only deal with things I don’t like by:

a) forgetting it ever happened
b) changing whatever it is that I don’t like

Apart from the last 20 weeks (which as highlighted, I am shortly going to forget ever happened) I am not a dweller; I am a doer. Is doer a word? Never mind, who cares. If I don’t like it, I change it and if I can’t change it, I forget it ever happened. Unfortunately I cannot apply this logic to my knowledge that I would have been 30 weeks tomorrow and it is weighing a little heavy on my heart.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything apart from I am about to blog about tomorrow. I am afraid, chums, that this cycle is looking like a bust. I KNOW. WHAT A SURPRISE.

First things first, I have a hysteroscopy tomorrow to remove a (suspected) polyp and any scar tissue from the ERPC. This is what the next cycle should look like:

1. Start Zoladex injections to down regulate from November (check!)
2. Have hysteroscopy on 13 Jan to remove polyp and check lining
3. 20 Jan, final Zoladex injection
4. 21 Jan, down regulation scan, endometrial scratch and mock transfer
5. At some point shortly after, start 375iu Menopur
6. Get a trillion more eggs than 2, make blastocysts, make a baby.

What will probably actually happen:

1. Start Zoladex injections to down regulate from November (check!)
2. Hysteroscopy will be: cancelled (NHS, baby!)/discover some new as yet untold horror/find loads of scar tissue*
*delete as appropriate
3. Zoladex injection (surely nothing can go wrong here?)
4. Down regulation scan reveals that I haven’t down regulated and the cycle is duly cancelled
5. Lots of crying and worrying about what the eff is going to work if my ovaries appear to STILL FUNCTION NORMALLY whilst being forced into a temporary menopause
6. Probably something I will regret in the morning involving gin

I think I need a miracle. Despite having Zoladex for 6 months before my last laparoscopy and never having even a whiff of a period, my periods have resolutely kept to their militant 28 day cycle this time. I have had all my usual signs and symptoms that I am ovulating, and rather than down regulating me and helping to shrink the endometriosis, I have had two of the heaviest and most painful periods I have had in the last two years. Marvellous, thank you body – take a bow! Once again you prove yourself to be a gigantic twat.

I have (of course) done all the obligatory panicking, speaking to the clinic (face to face), more panicking, emailing and calling them (just to triple check there is absolutely definitely nothing we can do to help). The plan is to wait and see what it looks like on the 21st at the scan. They say not to worry and it will all be normal. I say I know my own body and I know what the little shit is up to. I won’t be down regulated in 9 days time, I’ll be ovulating.

So that’s it. I don’t think I even have any jokes to make. I have located my hospital nightie and slippers that for some reason I reserve for the sole purpose of hospital stays. I have packed a book. I haven’t removed my nail varnish or my jewellery yet, so if someone could remind me to do that later tonight that would be great. Ta.

At least I’ve had so many general anaesthetics over the last couple of years, I’m really quite starting to enjoy them now.

BB xx

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28 thoughts on “Tomorrow

  1. Jenn

    I like to joke in comments because it shows people I am reading their blogs, but in reality I don’t know a lot of specifics of drugs and treatments and such. So, I will just say I hope you’re wrong and it goes better than you suspect.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks. I am hoping I am wrong, but (at least when it comes to my own body) I am usually right. I also like to think I am generally right the rest of the time, but history suggests that is not necessarily always the case. I’m not sure whether that has any significance. Probably not.

      Reply
  2. hopefulandhungry

    I’m sorry that you are having constant reminders of how far along you would have been with your pregnancy, I really hope everything goes perfectly with this upcoming cycle. It sounds like your body is starting to regulate itself. You’ve been pregnant before, I hope you will be again very soon. xoxox

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I just wish it wasn’t regulating itself while it should be in a temporary menopause and having no periods!! At least I will know what’s going on soon enough.

      Reply
  3. Lisette

    I feel you BB. I should have been 38 weeks the other day but 10 weeks was our marker of loss too. Seeing friends now starting to pop after falling pregnant at the same time has been too much to take. It’s so goddamn depressing. I wish so much your bod begins to cooperate and that the lap tomorrow goes smoothly. It’s time you had an upswing of luck my friend xx

    Reply
  4. Nushi

    I’m sorry honey…the reminders can be easy and I apologise for them. With my previous losses…it was (and at times still is) all about dates- BFPs, due dates, loss dates etc etc. time helped accepting but never made me forget unfortunately. I really hope 2014 turns things around for you. Good luck!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      You don’t need to be sorry! I don’t have to read the blogs if I don’t want to. I know how much you have been through to get to where you are. I just read a brilliant book and in it she said that she wished there was a word for feeling happy for others and sad for yourself at the same time. I really wish there was too.

      I wish I didn’t know I would be 30 weeks tomorrow, and I wouldn’t if I hadn’t started this blog. Having said that, I also wouldn’t have virtually met all the lovely ladies I have. In balance, I think I’d rather know I was 30 weeks tomorrow 😉

      I’m looking forward to hearing your news in the next couple of weeks!! Am thinking of you lots and sending you lots of good luck xxx

      Reply
  5. The infernal infertile

    I hear ya! Don’t forget I was due at the same time as the Royal Baby. So much fun watching his presentation… oh and his christening… and every god damn time he farts.

    I laughed out loud when you called your body a twat. That’s so accurate. I’m in a total downer at the moment so of course AF is due in the next day or two just to give me that final punch in the face. Twatting body. Twatting infertility. Twatting twattiness.

    As always… I’m thinking of you xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh god, that is shit. At least he is an ugly baby.

      I try not to think too hard about it all because if I do, I think that I would have a 3 year old now if my body had done it’s job at the start… and if I’d had my way, I’d also have a 1 year old and be pregnant again. Oh, how much things can change. I want to go back 4 years and punch stupid happy self in the face.

      I almost deleted the twat sentence, but I just couldn’t find any other words. I’m sorry you are on a pre-AF downer. Totally sucks. Totally. Thinking of you lots too xx

      Reply
  6. mylifeasacasestudy

    Ah, BB, your posts always make me smile–because you’re funny even when you’re sad–your sense of humor always shines through. I do wish you were having an easier time of it. And, if my own journey is as complex as yours then I hope I can handle it with as much grace and wit as you do. And most of all, I hope this next part goes smoothly for you. XO

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww, thanks. I am trying to cling onto a sense of humour instead of getting sucked into the black vortex of doom but it’s a bit hit and miss these days!! xx

      Reply
  7. Fertility Doll

    I read this and made me so sad inside. Me and Super Man are praying so hard (hello God?) that this turns around for you and that your fears are just fears. I’m sending you the biggest hug ever. x

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh no, I don’t like making you feel sad! This journey is starting to feel like it’s been going on far too long now, I just want it to end. At least it’s only a week until the down reg scan… Who knows, maybe God is listening and will cut me some slack!

      Reply
  8. journeyformybaby

    I’m sorry that things are looking so bleak to you right now. I really really really hope you’re wrong this time! I know how it feels when your body keeps messing with you…. I hope everything and everybody behaves in there!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you… at least it is only a week until the next scan so I don’t have too long to worry!! My body seems to have developed a mind of its own the last couple of years. Just does whatever the hell it likes!

      Reply
  9. Isabelle

    Oh BB. I know that feeling, although I have never gotten pregnant. If my first IVF had succeeded, I would’ve been 28 weeks pregnant. How do I know? Well, because the blogger who had a retrieval the same day I had my first one is currently 28 weeks. Yeah I hear you about the good and the not-so-good reminders of blogging. You are constantly told what you don’t have that others have. I am so sorry that the days have been sucky. Thinking of you for your hysteroscopy and that everything will go well.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It’s hard isn’t it? I know how much everyone has gone through to get their baby so it doesn’t make me sad, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult not to find the “I would have been x weeks” side effect hard to swallow. I hate that you know the feeling too. Hopefully this year will be a lot happier for us both xxx

      Reply
  10. redbluebird

    I hope that things go better than expected. It sounds like your body is being very bossy about following a schedule now that you’re actually trying to suppress things!
    It’s hard to put the “would have been” scenarios out of our minds. I know that if I hadn’t miscarried the first time, I’d have an 8 month old right now. Or if I hadn’t the second time, I’d have a 6 month old. That time, my due date was a couple of days before the effing Royal Baby too (and two of my IRL friends, who both posted 6 month pics of their babies today). It sucks. And I know it’s not the same, since I’m pregnant now, and I’m probably one of those annoying people who remind you that you should be 30 weeks. You deserve this so much & I’m hoping you get your baby so soon. xo

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ha, none of you are annoying in the least… but you’re right, it’s just another reminder of what would have been. And it’s not just here, it’s everywhere else too. Two of my cousins are due on my due date and my best friend is due a couple of weeks before. She has been an absolute useless waste of space since she she got pregnant, I’ve barely heard from her!!

      Hysteroscopy did go okay, miracle of miracles! I’m just writing a new post. Hopefully this is the tide turning and my good luck can just start rolling in starting now… 😉

      Reply
  11. Smile

    Ugh, to echo infernal – twatting uncooperative bodies and twatting infertility can go twat themselves. I hope that everything goes well with they hysteroscopy and that things will start to turn around for the better.

    Reply
  12. kiftsgate

    I’m sorry, I’m super late, but I’ve been thinking of you! By know I know everything went well and I’m very glad about it! 🙂
    Hope you get on to the next steps soon!! xx

    Reply

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