I keep having a funny feeling today and wondering what it is. At first I thought it was a side effect of Zoladex because that certainly makes me feel pretty funny. Then I realised what it is: I am having a positive emotion.
Against my will, that wolf Hope is circling me and nuzzling at my crotch.
Having this funny feeling has made me realise just how sad I’ve been for so long. I thought I was handling all the delays and bad news better recently, but I think that in reality I was so defeated it just didn’t evoke much of a reaction from me. My fight had gone. The bad news just kept on coming; hitting me in the face in a relentless barrage of unlucky gloom. At first it made me ANGRY and I fought it, I threw it through windows and smashed it with my fists. Then as time wore on, I just batted it away like an annoying fly, until in the end I had no energy left to do anything but lie there and be beaten to a pulp.
So what has sent me along this dangerous path of funny feelings and (whispers) suppressed optimism? Lemme tell you. I’ll make a list of the good and the bad from yesterday:
1. My hysteroscopy wasn’t cancelled – I was first on the list! Whizzed in on time and back on the ward in an hour. Back home for tea.
2. (I think) the polyp had mysteriously disappeared. I cannot confirm this 100% as I spoke to the doctor in recovery and as such, can’t remember shit.
3. My uterus is a normal shape. (It hasn’t always been. Means the last op I had in September 2012 obviously did something and the endo hasn’t gone too wild in the meantime).
4. My lining looked normal. No scar tissue!
5. My tubes looked normal (again, I can’t actually remember if this is completely true. I’m sure I heard “tubes” and “normal” in the same sentence so I’ll take that as a win).
6. We are a GO for the down regulation scan next Tuesday. Am trying hard not to think that I am not down regulated.
7. Doctor said he has “tricks up his sleeve” if I wasn’t so I don’t need to worry. I think I will do anyway thanks Hero, but at least it doesn’t sound like a drastic delay if I’m not.
1. All three anaesthetists looked far, far too young. Does this mean I am now old?
2. Our 14 year old car developed what I can only describe as a “cough” driving to the hospital. I fear this will be terminal and unfortunately with me working part time + IVF = can’t afford a new one. I don’t want to be bankrupt as well as barren.
3. Scraping the barrel here…. Surely I can squeeze out one more complaint? Oh I know, I have a sore throat and my stomach is really bloated.
I have calculated in mathematical terms, that means the day was 70% good.
I’ve also had some omens. I am not sure if they are good or bad. Tell me what you think:
If a miracle happens (please please please) and my lining is thin enough on Tuesday next week, I estimate that my transfer would be on my birthday, or a couple of days before. I have also (of course) done the unthinkable and worked out my due date. I know, idiot. It would be on, or a couple of days before, our 8 year wedding anniversary. My twelve week scan would be on the same date that my first cycle was abandoned last year.
Oh yes, I’m pretty sure this is evidence that the stars are aligning.* That, or I really did do something bad in a previous life (can’t be this life, I am dead nice?)
I realise that there is no ugly in this post (apart from my face and you can’t see that), so I leave you with a link that @cantchoosewhen sent me on twitter: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/truly-upsetting-vintage-recipes
*we might need to simultaneously Onesie Power Up on Monday to help**
**this will only make sense to one person