The good, the bad and the ugly

I keep having a funny feeling today and wondering what it is. At first I thought it was a side effect of Zoladex because that certainly makes me feel pretty funny. Then I realised what it is: I am having a positive emotion.

Against my will, that wolf Hope is circling me and nuzzling at my crotch.

Having this funny feeling has made me realise just how sad I’ve been for so long. I thought I was handling all the delays and bad news better recently, but I think that in reality I was so defeated it just didn’t evoke much of a reaction from me. My fight had gone. The bad news just kept on coming; hitting me in the face in a relentless barrage of unlucky gloom. At first it made me ANGRY and I fought it, I threw it through windows and smashed it with my fists. Then as time wore on, I just batted it away like an annoying fly, until in the end I had no energy left to do anything but lie there and be beaten to a pulp.

So what has sent me along this dangerous path of funny feelings and (whispers) suppressed optimism? Lemme tell you. I’ll make a list of the good and the bad from yesterday:


1. My hysteroscopy wasn’t cancelled – I was first on the list! Whizzed in on time and back on the ward in an hour. Back home for tea.
2. (I think) the polyp had mysteriously disappeared. I cannot confirm this 100% as I spoke to the doctor in recovery and as such, can’t remember shit.
3. My uterus is a normal shape. (It hasn’t always been. Means the last op I had in September 2012 obviously did something and the endo hasn’t gone too wild in the meantime).
4. My lining looked normal. No scar tissue!
5. My tubes looked normal (again, I can’t actually remember if this is completely true. I’m sure I heard “tubes” and “normal” in the same sentence so I’ll take that as a win).
6. We are a GO for the down regulation scan next Tuesday. Am trying hard not to think that I am not down regulated.
7. Doctor said he has “tricks up his sleeve” if I wasn’t so I don’t need to worry. I think I will do anyway thanks Hero, but at least it doesn’t sound like a drastic delay if I’m not.


1. All three anaesthetists looked far, far too young. Does this mean I am now old?
2. Our 14 year old car developed what I can only describe as a “cough” driving to the hospital. I fear this will be terminal and unfortunately with me working part time + IVF = can’t afford a new one. I don’t want to be bankrupt as well as barren.
3. Scraping the barrel here…. Surely I can squeeze out one more complaint? Oh I know, I have a sore throat and my stomach is really bloated.

I have calculated in mathematical terms, that means the day was 70% good.

I’ve also had some omens. I am not sure if they are good or bad. Tell me what you think:

If a miracle happens (please please please) and my lining is thin enough on Tuesday next week, I estimate that my transfer would be on my birthday, or a couple of days before. I have also (of course) done the unthinkable and worked out my due date. I know, idiot. It would be on, or a couple of days before, our 8 year wedding anniversary. My twelve week scan would be on the same date that my first cycle was abandoned last year.

Oh yes, I’m pretty sure this is evidence that the stars are aligning.* That, or I really did do something bad in a previous life (can’t be this life, I am dead nice?)

I realise that there is no ugly in this post (apart from my face and you can’t see that), so I leave you with a link that @cantchoosewhen sent me on twitter:

BB xx

*we might need to simultaneously Onesie Power Up on Monday to help**
**this will only make sense to one person


19 thoughts on “The good, the bad and the ugly

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks! I was so relieved yesterday, especially that they didn’t find scar tissue. Just hope this cycle can go ahead without too much of a delay. Fingers crossed! x

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha, it really does!!! I’m so used to getting bad news. I’ve only managed one abandoned cycle and one full round with 2 eggs in a whole FREAKING YEAR. Surely this year can’t be as bad?!

  1. Smile

    Love, love your drawing of hope, that evil bitch! And so glad things went well yesterday, crossing it all for you to be nice and down regulated so you can get on with the next step.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      She really is an evil bitch!

      I’m glad I only have a week to wait for the down regulation scan… Not sure I could hold out much longer! I just want to get on with things again now.

  2. lucy50

    I also find myself seeing younger and younger doctors. I guess they were doing something productive when they were 22, like going to med school or whatever, when I was doing creatively named shots like Blows Jobs and Liquid Cocaine.

    Hope IS a tricky bitch, though. I’m happy today tipped 70% in the positive direction for you.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It’s alarming isn’t it?!! I think we probably had a better time going out and having fun.

      It’s almost been a whole day and I am still having sudden pangs of Hope. I don’t know what’s worse, hope or feeling fed up all the time. I’m scared of them both!!

  3. Alex

    That is SUCH a cool drawing/concept – totally LOVE it (and so true of course)!! I can relate to the stress and frustration of endometrial polyps – and the corresponding treatments: been there, done that, got the t-shirt (more than once). I think one of the many, many lessons we learn through struggling with infertility is to be grateful for even the most seemingly mundane, irrelevant of teeny tiny little positives in our lives. When I had my HSG a while back, finding out that I had absolutely zero blockage made me deliriously happy – even though, to date, I’ve never gotten pregnant. Ever little smiley face you can give yourself is worth is since IF isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon…HUGS!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I’ve never had polyps before… Had two extensive operations for severe endo, so I’m glad they found nothing. Or maybe found nothing. I totally can’t remember. Whatever, it’s gone now!! I hear ya on being positive for the small things. It’s great your tubes are clear!! One of mine is fine and I’ve never conceived naturally in over 3 years either – just the one ill fated IVF pregnancy. It is definitely a marathon… I just hope we are almost at the end now! xx

      1. Alex

        In a way, it makes me feel so cheated – you know, how you just “assumed” that you’d pee on a stick one day (as opposed to a gazillion OPKs and HPTs), smile and plan exactly how you’re going to delight your hubby with the happy news. I keep thinking about how most women dealing with IF – especially long term and/or with recurring loss – are totally denied the oblivious joy and happiness in reveling in getting pregnant…

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        I know! I was so excited for the first few months, what a joke. I’m glad I didn’t know what was in store for me, I’d have died. I get really jealous that other people can have it so easy. When I hear “1 in 7 people struggle to conceive” I immediately think, yeah well, 6 in 7 don’t!!! Then I think that statistic means it has taken over a year. How many are still struggling years down the line? I’m betting it’s not 1 in 7.

        We totally miss out on the oblivious joy and happiness people get, but I also really hate how much other people are involved. It’s taken away the joy from everyone – parents, siblings, friends. Something that is so private for everyone else until they do “the big reveal” just ends up so public. It’s torture.

      3. Alex

        I totally agree. Honestly, I’m still holding out the fading and terrifying hope that it’s not too late, that SOMEHOW it’s still going to happen for us. But when it does? I’m not telling ANYONE. And I mean no one who won’t know by the proximity of being directly involved. I’ll be so terrified that I’ll probably just hide under a rock, wear extra baggy clothes and tell people I can’t stop eating so I’m just extra fat. It’s horrible – I mean, it’s like someone literally rips your heart out when you first get diagnosed with IF, and then rips it out AGAIN when you finally get your coveted BFP because you can’t even get excited!

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