… has unfortunately consumed me.

I have a big pile of work with my name on it (unfinished, obviously).

I have a big list of things I told people I’d do and I haven’t. Sorry, sorry. Sorry again.

I am sad, and I am so tired.

Several of my friends* had babies this week, and a number are due imminently.

I very, very loudly shouted bad things at my husband this weekend.

I got really, really drunk**

It’s my birthday in less than a week and I really REALLY don’t want a fourth baby-less, pregnancy-less birthday. I don’t fucking WANT IT. It’s not even a good birthday so I won’t get presents.

Anyway, I imagine I’ll be back soon with a picture of a dog driving a car or a garden vegetable that looks like a penis.. but until then I hope you are all well,

BB xx

*using the term loosely since apparently knowing another person since childhood means jack shit once you are infertile.



32 thoughts on “Sadness…

  1. Fertility Doll

    Oh BB 😦 This is just shit. All of it. I don’t want you to go through a birthday without a baby either . I’m sorry that I’ve been MIA, I’m just so behind at work too and I’m feeling the sadness. But I know that we have to fight and push on because feeling crap only makes the situation a million times worse. I don’t have a magic potion for you or for me but I bloody well hope that this nightmare ends soon. When’s your next appointment?

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I did think yesterday that I hadn’t spoken to you in ages, then I realised it was about 2 days. Lolz. I don’t like that you have the sadness too. I am just so ANGRY at everything. I will have an appointment on CD7 whenever the fuck that is. I think it’ll be at least another week judging by how I feel. I think the chances of cysts after having so many follicles is high and I’m having a lot of pain so just hoping that doesn’t delay it even more. I think I have reached my wits end now :/

  2. babyhopeful

    So sorry you’re having such a bad time of it. I know how you feel as I feel the same at the moment. Angry & sad! There’s nothing I can do or say to help, but remember that it’s ok to not be ok & look after number one. If you ever want to vent, you’ve got my email. Love & hugs. xx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww, thanks lovely. The amount of rage I have at the moment is a bit scary. I’m so mad at everything!!! I hate that there is nothing we can do about it. Stupid infertility just takes over our lives and shits all over them. Grr.

  3. kiftsgate

    I’m really sorry to read this sad post and to know you’re not doing well. If it helps I’m basically going through the same thing. My birthday is also coming up and I really wish I could skip it. I don’t want birthday wishes from friends with babies “Happy birthday from us 3/4/5” blah blah, I don’t want to not be pregnant this year either, I don’t want to have to look in a good mood at work. Two of my friends here are due in a few weeks, the others have babies so I can’t even forget about it all and go out get drunk.
    IT SUCKS!!!
    We should have just had a joint birthday party with lots and lots of alcohol!
    Anyways, I hope this crappy month of February will be over soon!!
    Big big hug! xx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh god, tell me about it!!! I hate Christmas cards for the same reason. Particularly hate them signed off, “love Mr Smug Fertile, Mrs Smug Fertile, toddler & bump”. I am never going to sign a card from my bump. If I do, kill me. Just kill me dead.

      I love the joint birthday idea! That would be amazing. We could have cocktails and not talk about babies AT ALL!

      When is your birthday? Is it soon?

      1. kiftsgate

        No worries, if you ever sign anything from your bump I will definitely kill you. But I know you won’t. Same goes for me!!
        Yes, birthday is in about 3 weeks, so a bit later than you. I’m Pisces, which is why I’m a total psycho and go from being super positive and hyper to almost suicidal..

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I don’t know how so many of my friends and family have coordinated in getting pregnant. I know about 7 people who have either just had babies or are due in the next few weeks. There are probably more I’ve forgotten. Buying presents has worn me out today… the little outfits are breaking me!!

  4. eli

    *hug*hug*hug* how you feel right now has nothing to do with the sum of who you are…also, it’s totally ok that you feel it :/ hoping for some bright spots on your horizon..

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww thank you. I do feel like a massive miserable sod. It’s like I can deal with it alright most of the time and just keep plodding on, then all of a sudden my mind broke this weekend and now all I can really do is scream at people to fuck off. Nice. Spent today buying my “friends” presents for their babies so my mood now is not particularly great!! I’m trying to avoid the wine. I really could do without becoming an alcoholic as well :/

      1. eli

        You spent the day buying your friends presents for their babies. You’re a fucking saint. I don’t darken the door of a baby store for anyone other than immediate blood relatives these days. See? You’re so far ahead of the game.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      God, I fricking hope so. I am SICK of this SHIT. I’ve had a lot of cramp and pain, but not AF pain, more like goddam cyst pain. I am blanking it out because if that’s true, the delay will just get worse. Meh. I am such a miserable sod I’ll have no friends and be divorced if this goes on much longer!!!

  5. Nushi

    So sorry Betty! You just don’t seem to be getting a break…my hear truly aches for you. I’ve been reading your posts and many times now I’m just at a loss of words. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love

  6. infertilelady

    I hear ya! I had BAD birthday rage a couple of weeks ago… am only just calming down now. Life is v unfair and sometimes I don’t want to smile serenely and accept that, sometimes I want to punch walls (and some people) and have a proper tantrum about it all. Really hope you’re feeling better soon xx.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Fricking birthdays. I actually did punch the wall this weekend and screamed at the top of my voice. God knows what my neighbours think!!! I hurt my hand too so remind me to not to that again.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      All my food looks like that now 😦 I’m radiating misery to everything around me.

      I think you’re right. I will plan something nice for my birthday. I really just want to lock myself in a cupboard and bash my head with bricks but I don’t suppose that’s going to help anyone.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks. Really not in the mood for my birthday this year… the whole idea of it is making me get really angry! I need to catch up on blogs today and see how you are getting on! I think it’s your egg collection pretty soon. Sending you soooo much good luck x

  7. redbluebird

    I’m sorry about the sadness 😦
    Actually, I’m sorry about the shitty things you’re dealing with that are making you sad. It’s not fair– you deserve some good things to come your way soon. And I believe they will.
    I hope people smarten up and buy you some really fun presents for your bday. Sending lots of unwanted hugs your way! xo

  8. abwise

    I can totaly relate! I am consumed by sadness and rage and about to have a birthday too. There is nothing I can say. Sorry doesn’t even come close. Hopefully just knowing you are not alone will be some small comfort but probably not much. I actually moved school buildings because everyone at my old building was having babies. Not a joke. Last school we had four pregnant teachers, the year before it was 7. At least I can avoid it at work now, the school district frowns on punching coworkers in the face… πŸ™‚

  9. rosiedd78

    [[[Hugs]]]] I know your anti-birthday feeling. Just did it. But I decided in the end, it’s still better to be (fill in the blank with your age) than dead. Definitely. I vote for a 3rd night of drunkenness!

  10. buckrugerlayla

    I just came across your blog, was maybe a little intrigued just due to the name (my grandmother’s name is Betty…she is quite a pistol for an oldie). I wanted to say that I am sorry, too, about how these wicked birthdays tend to creep up as another reminder of not only getting older but not cooler but also not having many friends without a metric ton of children. I hope this all gets better. Wine is always my go-to happy elixir in any case. Like a bottle or so if needed.

  11. Lisette

    I hate birthdays! It gets harder each year the longer this IF lingers. I’m so sorry to see you’re in so much pain hun. I know exactly where you are. It’s a horrible place. I hate that you have “friends” popping all around you and that IF has come between you, I’m an expert at that too unfortunately. My oldest BFF forever has just stopped talking to me because I told her hearing about her perfect kids and perfect life was “hard” sometimes. Maybe we better off that way but it makes me sad. Anyway, we’re here for you sweets, I’ve really learned who my friends are through this godforsaken process. Hugs (even if you don’t want them) xxx


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