I cannot believe that I have finally made it back to the starting line.
I started my last long-protocol cycle at the end of May 2013. I certainly never envisaged when I started IVF in February last year that it could be so complicated, so difficult and filled with so many set backs.
Anyway, who cares now because I’m back at the starting line! *stretches and limbers up* I thought I’d be all melancholy and anxious after last year’s IVF treats. Quick reminder:
Cycle 1 -abandoned; cycle 2 – 2 eggs, 2 embryos, 1 heartbeat stopping at 9 weeks; cycle 3 – long protocol with Zoladex for 3 months, a huge amount of testing, retesting and faffing before ending in miserable failure
However, at the moment, I just feel vaguely excited to be starting. If I think about it too much I get anxious that my dose is too high and my egg quality will therefore be naff, or I worry I’ll get OHSS and the cycle will be cancelled. Again. That will be a very expensive fail indeed if that happens. So I’ve decided I’m just not going to think. Shouldn’t be too hard.
My protocol this time is short. I keep laughing about this since I’ve still got Zoladex in my system, where it has been coursing through my veins for 3 months so “short” it certainly doesn’t feel. Anyway, short it is. This means as of tomorrow I will be taking a letrozole tablet for 5 days, and giving myself daily injections of 450iu Meronial – maximum ovary blasting. From day 6 I add a cetrotide injection into the mix. As the Meronial is the maximum dose, this means 2 injections (one into each leg) and cetrotide into the stomach. I would have keeled over in horror at the thought of that a year ago, but now I am practically salivating at the thought of getting my mitts on those needles.
I am glad that I’m finally getting somewhere again – 8 months feels like a long time to wait between cycles, especially when that wait had no end in sight and only one month where I could try to conceive naturally. I’m also feeling pretty sad today for some of my twitter and blog buddies. Some are cycling now and getting BFNs, some are in the dreaded 2WW and feeling that torturous mixture of hope and fear. Some are like me, just waiting, waiting and waiting some more and wondering why they can’t find the starting line when everybody else can. So many of them have supported me over the last 8 months, through my miscarriage, and sadness, and tantrums when they are all dealing with a lot of shit of their own. It is so unfair and cruel that people who would clearly make wonderful parents have to go through so much physically and emotionally (never mind financially) to reach that goal. Especially when none of us even know where the fucking goal is.
So I’m finally back on the IVF
horse lame mule. I’m excited, and worried, and scared. I’m sad for my pals who have just fallen off. I’m happy for my pals who are cheering us on from the finishing line with their new babies. I really hope the rest of us can join you there soon.