Back on the horse lame mule

I cannot believe that I have finally made it back to the starting line.

I started my last long-protocol cycle at the end of May 2013. I certainly never envisaged when I started IVF in February last year that it could be so complicated, so difficult and filled with so many set backs.

Anyway, who cares now because I’m back at the starting line! *stretches and limbers up* I thought I’d be all melancholy and anxious after last year’s IVF treats. Quick reminder:

Cycle 1 -abandoned; cycle 2 – 2 eggs, 2 embryos, 1 heartbeat stopping at 9 weeks; cycle 3 – long protocol with Zoladex for 3 months, a huge amount of testing, retesting and faffing before ending in miserable failure

However, at the moment, I just feel vaguely excited to be starting. If I think about it too much I get anxious that my dose is too high and my egg quality will therefore be naff, or I worry I’ll get OHSS and the cycle will be cancelled. Again. That will be a very expensive fail indeed if that happens. So I’ve decided I’m just not going to think. Shouldn’t be too hard.

My protocol this time is short. I keep laughing about this since I’ve still got Zoladex in my system, where it has been coursing through my veins for 3 months so “short” it certainly doesn’t feel. Anyway, short it is. This means as of tomorrow I will be taking a letrozole tablet for 5 days, and giving myself daily injections of 450iu Meronial – maximum ovary blasting. From day 6 I add a cetrotide injection into the mix. As the Meronial is the maximum dose, this means 2 injections (one into each leg) and cetrotide into the stomach. I would have keeled over in horror at the thought of that a year ago, but now I am practically salivating at the thought of getting my mitts on those needles.

I am glad that I’m finally getting somewhere again – 8 months feels like a long time to wait between cycles, especially when that wait had no end in sight and only one month where I could try to conceive naturally. I’m also feeling pretty sad today for some of my twitter and blog buddies. Some are cycling now and getting BFNs, some are in the dreaded 2WW and feeling that torturous mixture of hope and fear. Some are like me, just waiting, waiting and waiting some more and wondering why they can’t find the starting line when everybody else can. So many of them have supported me over the last 8 months, through my miscarriage, and sadness, and tantrums when they are all dealing with a lot of shit of their own. It is so unfair and cruel that people who would clearly make wonderful parents have to go through so much physically and emotionally (never mind financially) to reach that goal. Especially when none of us even know where the fucking goal is.

So I’m finally back on the IVF horse lame mule. I’m excited, and worried, and scared. I’m sad for my pals who have just fallen off. I’m happy for my pals who are cheering us on from the finishing line with their new babies. I really hope the rest of us can join you there soon.

BB xx


38 thoughts on “Back on the horse lame mule

  1. kiftsgate

    I am very jealous of those needles!! I can’t wait to be jabbing myself!!!! We are total drug addicts…..
    I’m excited for you and cheering you on big time from the waiting and trying to figure out what the heck to do group!
    Go BB!!!! xx

      1. kiftsgate

        ahah I keep changing my mind, so there is no way to know… I will make up my mind on Wednesday. It sounds horrible but I really look forward to the jabs!! So much changed to the days I was scared of the needles… Good luck hun, I’m really excited for you!

  2. infertilelady

    It’s not right to be jealous of an internet stranger is it?? I really want to get started… *shakes fist at missing AF*. Best of luck with it all, will be following your progress x.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Fucking AF is a stupid bitch. Mine was 2.5 weeks late if it helps. Better than the 10 weeks it naffed off for after my first cancelled cycle. I’ve been VERY jealous of everyone cycling while I lay about in the sidelines just watching. Are you starting IVF once that stupid bitch face AF turns up?

      1. infertilelady

        Yup, if she ever shows her face will be starting ICSI cycle #2. Am giving up hope of ever even getting started at this rate.

  3. lamentingthelentil

    I can’t wait. Can’t can’t wait. It’s a new mule ride, my friend, and I’m going to place myself in the camp of believing that this particular mule will not, in fact, be lame. I’ve been thinking about you over the course of the last 8 months quite a bit, and I’m ready to cheer you and all of those drool-worthy injections you so eagerly want to start jabbing into your meatier regions on. You are ready, sister.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Lentil! Hello! Man, you’ve had a stressful time, I can’t believe you have time or energy to read any blogs, nevermind comment! Thanks πŸ™‚ I hope you’re right and it isn’t lame. And I don’t fall off. And it doesn’t die, or get stuck in a swamp.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks! I cannot believe I’m really starting. Keep wondering what’s going to go wrong next!! I’ve been thinking about you today… Hope you’re doing okay xxx

      1. NotSoNewtoIVF

        Nothing you’ve had your fair share of shit…actually a very unfair share!
        I’m feeling a bit sad today. Just want it over so I can drink wine!

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        As have you my love. We need a fucking break! In the absence of a break, we definitely need wine. I don’t like you being sad… I really fucking HATE IF today. Really, really a lot.

      3. NotSoNewtoIVF

        It fucking sucks. It’s taken out some truly lovely people today. So sick of this shit 😦

  4. abwise

    Give me a B! Give me an F! Give me a P! GOOOO BFP!!! I think your excitement and positive not thinking will get you to the goal. I just know it!!! Sending lots of support your way!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I’m trying not to think about all the different ways it might go wrong and get cancelled. At least having so many cancelled and crappy cycles, I’m not worrying about it working or not (yet!!!) xx

      1. immotileturtle

        I sure am. Having to do lots of skin to skin time at the mo to encourage feeding, which is slowing down the hilarious dressing up antics. Normal scheduled dressing up should resume next week. I have a panda onesie ready to go.

  5. Steph Mignon

    Cheering you on indeed! And i know exactly what you mean about the needles. NoThing made me feel more in control and oroactive then shooting myself up with hormones! So may each injection go smoothly, may your eggsgrow grow grow, and may transfer and implantation be a success! Ill be sending you lots of good vibes from sunny california.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      You just had to throw the “sunny” in there didn’t you?!! It’s effing miserable, windy and cold here. Can you send some sun along with the good vibes?!!

      You’re right… Just feels like you are really DOING something when you’re shooting up. I’m a doer so it definitely helps me to feel proactive and more in control.

      Thinking of you lots… Not too long to go for you now! πŸ™‚ xx

  6. mammacod

    Lame or not, it’s so great that you’re getting back on that mule. I’ll be cheering for you the whole way, keeping everything crossed for a positive outcome and sending lots of BFP/sticky thoughts from over here. Stay positive (I know that’s hard) and hang in there!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I think my positive will wear off once I get close to the scan day next week!! I think my only hope is to block it all out and go for the ride… and be freaking grateful that I’m even doing it at all!! xx

  7. Lisette

    So excited for you BB to finally be able to get cracking! This is great great news. Wishing you an uneventful, stress-free cycle. You certainly deserve it! Yay! xx

  8. The infernal infertile

    I’ve been a bit absent from the blogosphere and wondered how you were getting on. So glad to hear you’re all go! Great to hear you’re so positive too… Even if it is a bit sick you’re looking forward to stabbing yourself. πŸ™‚

    Imagine all those sad people that only get to have sex to get pregnant… Look at all the fun they miss out on!

    Sending you loads of hugs and positive thoughts for this ride on the lame mule xxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yay! Hello! I was feeling positive… Now the worry is beginning to set in. I’d quite like to switch my brain off for a month or so!!

      On a positive note, I am a total professional at injections. I can pretty much do them all with just one hand while I’m watching TV and eating my dinner at the same time.


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