Squirrels and stims

Small IVF update. Before I start, I found an amazing ornament this weekend that Mr Barren wouldn’t let me buy. It would have gone totally perfect with this menagerie stoneware ringbox squirrel (chip on the acorn lid, none returnable, non refundable) that I saw in the sale last year (yours – or could have been mine – for £196, was £120):

This Secret Squirrel Acorn was a STEAL by comparison at £2.45. That’s the same price as a skinny decaf latte from Costa! It’s a practical and decorative piece for any garden or home! In its defence, it looked a little less like a wooden hand grenade in the shop.

Apart from not adding to my already none existent collection of squirrel ornaments, I have been injecting 450iu of Meronial since Friday and popping letrozole. I start cetrotide tomorrow and I have a scan on Friday.

The last time I actually got to start stims was so long ago I’ve pretty much forgotten how I felt. It has disappeared into the blurry mists of time. That, or all the alcohol I consumed after the miscarriage eroded my brain cells. I guess I could just look back in my blog and you know, find out. Knowing me I probably just wrote a long post about a dog driving a car and forgot to mention any side effects anyway.

This time I feel sick. Very sick. It is interfering with the egg-enhancing diet plan I devised for myself. I have a constant headache that just will. not. go. away. I have actually had a headache now since down regulation started in November, interspersed with some rather violent migraines. Nice! This new headache I have to say surpasses the down regulation headache, but falls someway short of a full blown migraine.

I have some pretty sharp pains in the ovaries . Probably no surprise given what is (should be) going on in there. I’m having a wobble that the 3-4 big follicles I had last month have just turned into cysts that are gobbling up all my drugs and stopping any follicles from growing. I’m also a bit confused how short protocol cycles work since it’s day 5 of stims today and my period is still plodding along with no signs of stopping. Surely I will have no lining to speak of at my first scan on Friday?! I’m also worried the follicles will be growing too quickly, or that I’ll just be growing one gigantic follicle. I’m trying to remind myself that last time I had 225iu and my response was entirely shit.

I know I shouldn’t waste energy worrying about what can go wrong, but I’ve had so many set backs and so much go wrong with my cycles over the last year I can’t help it. Things like, “that only happens 1% of the time”, “we only see that in 1 person every 2-3 months”, “once you see a heartbeat the chances of miscarriage reduce significantly” do NOT put my mind at rest. I’ve been that 1%, I’ve been that 1 person, I’ve had that miscarriage. I’ve been on the wrong side of the statistics more times than I can remember, even when the odds were stacked in my favour.

Incidentally, I wonder if I am freakishly unlucky, or whether I have magical powers. Evidence: in my second year at university I worried that I would be given the wrong exam paper for one particular module. I worried about this like MAD, mainly because I was (for once) actually very, very prepared for this particular exam. I voiced this worry with my boyfriend (now husband) who told me I was mental. I turned up, sat down and turned over the paper. It was the Masters exam (in case this makes no sense in your country, this is a 4th year post-grad exam, not a second year undergraduate one).

Enough complaining. At least I am here. I’ve started.

BB xx

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31 thoughts on “Squirrels and stims

  1. Alex

    So…I’m a little confused about the first part of this. The picture made me kind of laugh because (a) it says “was 120 – now 196”, which is in and of itself hilarious since one would imagine that the words clearance are usually followed by a price reduction, not increase. Secondly, I have to say that anything with a chip really merits, in my not at all humble opinion, at least a 50% price DEcrease. While the critter is fun and adorable, I can’t imagine how or why anyone would contemplate parting with more than a few quid for it at a boot sale. I also had a good chuckle at your acorn-cum-grenade – which, I hate to admit, I really thought looked a lot more like a grenade until you mentioned the acorn bit LOL Still, bit of a bargain, that one. All chuckles aside, I am ever so sorry about all the pains – can’t even imagine, except that as a perpetual migraine and tension headache sufferer, I know all too well how debilitatingly painful headaches can be. All the more so when you can’t take a vat of medicine to subdue them to something a little more manageable. And at the risk of stating the obvious – I wish I could take your worries away because, honestly, I’d feel much the same. I think when you have so much riding on something, and putting so much effort, pain, concessions, thought, money etc into a “project”, it’s hard not to worry all the time since the outcome is so important. Sending you lots of love & hugs!!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I know… What a BARGAIN!!! I absolutely peed my pants when I saw it in the shop. Why would anyone pay anything AT ALL for a broken piece of stoneware anything anyway?! Lolz.

      I’m sorry about your headaches. Headaches really are the worst… It’s stopping me from doing anything! I can just about manage (very grumpily) with a standard headache, but the migraines just knock me out for the day. Horrible.

      I think you hit the nail on the head there – there is just so much riding on this. It’s a lot to have mushed into my tiny brain. Thanks for the good wishes… I need them, I’m in a bit of a panic today!! xx

      Reply
  2. redbluebird

    What, exactly, is a “secret squirrel” acorn? Is there a squirrel hiding in there? Squirrel food? Squirrel trap? I’m intrigued.
    I’m sorry about all the headaches. I’m a headache sufferer too, and they are the WORST. I can’t function when I have a bad headache or migraine, and it really ruins a good day.
    I hope your magical powers work for good this time around. Cheering you on. Go BB! Go BB!

    Reply
  3. hopefulandhungry

    I love squirrels, I have a few squirrel decorations, but trying not to go overboard. I’m glad you are starting another cycle, hoping the very best for you! I had the worst headaches with Lupron, hope your head feels better soon. xoxo

    Reply
  4. Steph Mignon

    I sooo know what it feels like to be the 1%. In addition to being on the wrong side of statistics (according to the docs) during my battle with infertility, it seems I’m there in life too. For me, it always happens with billing stuff – student loan people lead me to believe that my loans are deferred while I’m finishing school for YEARS, only to find out that they’re almost in default. Car sales place registered my car under the wrong name (Stephnie Meyer instead of Stephanie Mignon) so for years I’ve held title to a car in a different name. I could go on and on and on. If there’s a mistake to be made by some administrator somewhere, I’ll be the brunt of it. Promise. In fact, I just got off the phone with my health insurance because one of my docs submitted a claim to the WRONG AGENCY. UGH! So with all that said, I don’t blame you at all for being cynical, if not wary. Hopefully you’ll just be pleasantly surprised that things ARE going your way for once!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ah man, that’s all SO ANNOYING!!!! I wonder if us infertiles are freakishly unlucky in the rest of our lives too. Maybe it’s connected! Someone should research us and write a phD. I hope you’re right and I am pleasantly surprised this time… although I don’t think I’d be pleasantly surprised, I think I’d be fucking over the moon!! 🙂 xxx

      Reply
  5. kiftsgate

    I love squirrels!! Although I would not spend that price on a squirrel for decoration… it sucks to be on the bad side of the statistics, and to be the exception for unlucky stuff. But I’ve seen good things happen to unlucky people and I really hope this will be the case for this cycle.
    I’m impressed by the story of the exam. I sort of want to know the end of it? did you get your test changed?
    Hope you feel better soon. I have everything crossed for you!!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Nope! They told us to just “have a go”. At an exam we’d not been taught anything on?! I “had a go” by sitting there for 3 hours crying loudly while everyone else in the room gave me evil looks. Then I made an official complaint and had my coursework and mock exams taken into account. They gave me a good mark so worked out okay in the end!

      Reply
  6. Jenn

    When you start with the squirrels, it is so hard to focus on the rest of what you write! I’m sorry you feel so shit right now 😦

    Reply
  7. Lisette

    These headaches need to get gone pronto hun, not fun. I also have zero faith in statistics and been on the wrong side of them far too many times too so I understand your worry. Saying that I’m so hopeful for you this cycle BB! Can’t wait xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Eep, thanks! I think I’ll feel better once Friday’s scan is done and I know there are follicles and everything is on track. I’ve got such terrible cramp and ovulation signs today I am having a small panic about ovulating, but cetrotide starts tonight so hopefully not. Please no more 1%-that-never-happens-oh-whoops-it-did shit.

      Reply
  8. ivfdream

    Hi, Betty. Ivf is not much fun. I didn’t have migraines. Have you thought about other things that might be causing them? Diet, not enough water, not enough exercise or being stressed? Stress can cause headaches and feelings of negativity. What so you do relax? I always saw the stimming as an opportunity yo bring me closer to our dream baby so maybe, a mind set change might help you as you seem stressed already. The whole first trimester will really drag it out of you so try to keep a positive attitude, though it can be hard! Don’t worry about negative stats.
    I read a great book called The luck factor. V interesting how lucky people are bit actually lucky but they do certain unique but consistent things that set them apart from unlucky people. Get it and it might change and help your thinking.
    It’s really important you go into this unstressed. See what you can do to change that as much as you can. The v best of luck with the injections. They’ll b over soon, promise!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      My migraines are definitely hormone related, so I don’t think there is much I can do about them… the headaches must be related to the drugs too, but I’m sure that water/not stressing/diet can help them at least. They are much worse if I spend the whole day worrying and fretting. I’m on an uber healthy diet, but my water intake can be a bit haphazard. I’m trying to keep it up better this week and hopefully it’ll help! I might check that book out, thanks 🙂 xx

      Reply
  9. Fertility Doll

    I’m playing the eye of the tiger and doing the fertility warrior dance for you. You can dooooo this. But you know on that exam paper thing, maybe it’s that secret thing – what we visualise is what happens. So for once let’s really visualise it all working out eventually – 2 beautiful pink lines.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I think we all need to see a video of that!! Maybe I can see into the future. I don’t suppose in reality I will feel any worse if I am positive and the outcome is negative. Still going to be completely shit whether I’m expecting it or not!

      Reply
  10. Jenn

    I’m so excited to hear that you’ve started your next round! I am sending you sooo many good vibes! I totally understand your worries, and I too am one of those unlucky statistics and I also think terrible things and they happen. Let’s vow to try to stop thinking those bad things and try to manifest the good. key words: “to try”. Good luck my dear.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I know I need to focus on the positive. I think I’m a naturally pessimistic person so it’s hard! I hope I can wave goodbye to the bad luck for a while. Fingers crossed.

      Reply
  11. mylifeasacasestudy

    See, I think squirrels are cool, but my “thing” is ugly ceramic roosters–the more obscene they look, the better. Anyhow, I’ll think positive thoughts; that you have no cysts and that you have lots of juicy follicles. Oh, and that those headaches go away! XO

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh nice, ugly ceramic roosters. I’ve never seen one of those, but I’ll keep my eyes peeled from now on. Thanks for the positive thoughts! I’m just a mixture of excitement and complete terror and doom/gloom. I’m so fun to be around at the moment!!

      Reply
  12. Clare

    I did the short protocol and I remember being really wtf about my lining too. The nurses kept brushing it off, but I was paranoid because my lining always stinks. Anyway it does work somehow. Once you get on the progesterone and hopefully you’ll have estrace (or similar) too, you will have time to build it up. I think I was done bleeding by day 5 though or just spotting anyway, because you know shite lining from previous cycle.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      After my initial panic, my period has finally stopped. It wasn’t much of a period anyway after all the months of down regulation… My new worry is that I will ovulate before I start cetrotide tonight. I have such bad cramp :/ I keep telling myself it means something is going on in there at least! Also, panicking won’t change the outcome. I need a slap.

      Reply
      1. Clare

        You’re bringing back all my paranoias! I was convinced I would ovulate too. I especially thought I would ovulate between trigger and egg collection. They gave me such a massive dose of trigger I was like – are you sure?? It’s such a delicate process and it’s crazy how much control they have with these drugs. “Try” not to worry…. The cramping sounds like a good sign there’s some sweet egg action going on. Hope your head feels better!

  13. hb81

    How you doing?!
    Your updates are pretty much the only inspiration Ive had for a while…. then I have a great week off work & find myself wondering how your getting on.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww, hello! That’s cheered me right up. I’m going to post an update today… although it’s not going to make for happy reading. As usual… !!! Scan was a disaster. Standard. I’m going to be lucky to get 1-2 eggs again, if it’s not cancelled before hand. I’ll write an update today once I’ve finished pulling all my hair out. Sometimes I wonder if someone has cast an unlucky spell over me!!

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I just replied to your other message, but realised I rudely never asked how you are. Sorry. I am so far up my own bum this week. I just followed your blog but can now see it’s an oldie. Have you had any fertility treatments? Hope you’re having a good weekend x

      Reply

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