When the clinic had Radiohead playing in the waiting room I knew it was a bad omen. I just knew. While I sat for 50 minutes waiting to see the nurse I listened to Thom Yorke’s pained wails and looked at the fake flowers and I knew. I saw the scan (and as I’m sure you recall, I am practically a sonographer now) and I knew. I told my Mum it was bad and she knew too.
After a painful wait for my heart and my ears, the Nice Nurse took me into a little room and asked how I was. I heard myself happily witter out my normal reply of, “Fine thanks! How are you?” While the Bitch That Lurks Deep Within Me quite loudly growled, “Fucking awful, what do you expect?” Lucky for the nurse (most of the time) only I hear the Bitch That Lurks Deep Within Me so we just smiled at each other and sat down.
I am going to cut this long story short, because I can tell already it’s going to end up a long boring story that really should be a short depressing one. The gigantic lead follicle has mysteriously been renamed a cyst and is gobbling up all the drugs. Of the other follicles I previously had, one has also been renamed a cyst, one has mysteriously disappeared and one has shrunk. My lining is however ploughing on regardless so that’s good. By good I obviously mean not-bad-but-completely-fucking-useless.
They gave me the option of cancelling today but I’ve decided to stick it out for another two days. I don’t know why because it’s clearly not working. I probably would have been better off just burning a few hundred pounds in my front garden than spending them on another two days of IVF drugs. I’m on the maximum dose already so there is nothing else they can do either.
Small request, please don’t be overly optimistic for Wednesday on my behalf. We all know it’s not going to go well. The best news will be that I have one follicle, which is extremely unlikely. Is it worth spending thousands of pounds on one follicle that may or may not contain an egg? I ovulate every month anyway. Maybe it is better to cancel now and try again another time. I don’t know. I thought I was unlucky last year with a cancelled cycle, a cycle with only 2 eggs and a miscarriage but this is getting silly now. My body doesn’t respond properly to down regulation or stimulation. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
I think my clinic defies the laws of time because I was in there for over 1.5 hours AGAIN, despite the fact that the scan took less than five minutes and I spoke to a nurse for all of ten. Needless to say I needed a wee on the way out.
ME: I need another wee now.
MY MUM: Yeah so do I.
ME: Pushes the door open I am going to stick my head down the toilet and drown myself.
MY MUM: That’s why I followed you in here.
ME: Eye roll
MY MUM: And anyway, if you’re going to do that you should at least drown yourself in the sink.
I am going to have some wine now.