No diamond egg for you Betty, just a lump of coal

When the clinic had Radiohead playing in the waiting room I knew it was a bad omen. I just knew. While I sat for 50 minutes waiting to see the nurse I listened to Thom Yorke’s pained wails and looked at the fake flowers and I knew. I saw the scan (and as I’m sure you recall, I am practically a sonographer now) and I knew. I told my Mum it was bad and she knew too.

After a painful wait for my heart and my ears, the Nice Nurse took me into a little room and asked how I was. I heard myself happily witter out my normal reply of, “Fine thanks! How are you?” While the Bitch That Lurks Deep Within Me quite loudly growled, “Fucking awful, what do you expect?” Lucky for the nurse (most of the time) only I hear the Bitch That Lurks Deep Within Me so we just smiled at each other and sat down.

I am going to cut this long story short, because I can tell already it’s going to end up a long boring story that really should be a short depressing one. The gigantic lead follicle has mysteriously been renamed a cyst and is gobbling up all the drugs. Of the other follicles I previously had, one has also been renamed a cyst, one has mysteriously disappeared and one has shrunk. My lining is however ploughing on regardless so that’s good. By good I obviously mean not-bad-but-completely-fucking-useless.

They gave me the option of cancelling today but I’ve decided to stick it out for another two days. I don’t know why because it’s clearly not working. I probably would have been better off just burning a few hundred pounds in my front garden than spending them on another two days of IVF drugs. I’m on the maximum dose already so there is nothing else they can do either.

Small request, please don’t be overly optimistic for Wednesday on my behalf. We all know it’s not going to go well. The best news will be that I have one follicle, which is extremely unlikely. Is it worth spending thousands of pounds on one follicle that may or may not contain an egg? I ovulate every month anyway. Maybe it is better to cancel now and try again another time. I don’t know. I thought I was unlucky last year with a cancelled cycle, a cycle with only 2 eggs and a miscarriage but this is getting silly now. My body doesn’t respond properly to down regulation or stimulation. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

I think my clinic defies the laws of time because I was in there for over 1.5 hours AGAIN, despite the fact that the scan took less than five minutes and I spoke to a nurse for all of ten. Needless to say I needed a wee on the way out.

ME: I need another wee now.
MY MUM: Yeah so do I.
ME: Pushes the door open I am going to stick my head down the toilet and drown myself.
MY MUM: That’s why I followed you in here.
ME: Eye roll
MY MUM: And anyway, if you’re going to do that you should at least drown yourself in the sink.

I am going to have some wine now.

BB xx


36 thoughts on “No diamond egg for you Betty, just a lump of coal

  1. Jenn

    OH FUCK YOUR BODY! This is such shit and makes me feel SO angry for you. Fucking cunt of a body. As usual, your mom is the most amazing person on the planet. I can tell you came from her vagina. If you’re adopted, that was really inappropriate of me.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      My body is a gigantic twat. No other explanation. I really, really hate it now. I really want to smash it up, but I probably shouldn’t.

      When I cried that it was unfair that every other person in the waiting room would have eggs and half of them would have babies from this cycle, she said “yeah well, you are prettier than them all” Not true, but thanks Mum.

      1. barrenbetty Post author

        It’s my dad’s mum.

        I think my mum is a bit scared about what my Gma is going to say to me when I next see her given my current mental state!!!

      2. Jenn

        Ohh okay, that makes more sense. Maybe go drunk, then it won’t matter cause your mom can be like.. well, what do you expect? She’s hammered!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      That made me laugh! No, please don’t blow sunshine up my ass. I keep thinking things can’t get worse, but they do. Surely they’ll start getting better soon?!

  2. eli

    Heartbreaking and totally unfair. I’m so sorry. I’m going to neurotically hope for that last follie, even though I know all odds are against it. Just so sorry.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks 😦 To be honest, I think the odds and I are both against it. I’m just not sure that it’s worth the money for one crap egg. At least it’ll be taken out of my hands if it’s cancelled altogether.

      1. eli

        I suppose so. It’s hard to know when to walk away from things. I feel like my brain clings to the smallest sliver of hope, dragging me through additional pain needlessly sometimes. It’s irrational. Sometimes it’s a mercy to have somebody else make the call. Just so bummed for you. Absolutely sucks.

  3. Wife of a Sailor

    New follower on Twitter. And that is complete shit. Fuck your body for that fucking shit. If it wouldn’t physically hurt you, I’d say your body was due for a cunt punch for that crap. I’m sorry. That totally sucks. I’m not sure I’d have hope in your situation, either, but I’ll hold out for it for you.

    And your mom? I kinda love her.

  4. myhopejar

    Oh hon, I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Wish it wasn’t so freaking hard! It’s so unfair. Take it easy and enjoy your wine.

  5. AndiePants

    are you FUCKING kidding? If this weren’t such a bitch, it would be almost laughable. I’m so sorry even though I know my sorries mean shit.

  6. The infernal infertile

    What a load of bullshit!

    Am walking around kicking kittens I’m so frustrated for you…

    Am totally stealing your Mum though… Such practical suggestions at such a stressful time… She’s a keeper for sure.

    Thinking of you xxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks, I’m a pretty miserable fucker today. Maybe I should try kicking some stuff too. I just told my mum not to come to the appointment tomorrow because I decided it’d be easier being brave on my own and she is all sad faces about it so now I feel bad about that AND sorry for myself. Whoo.

      1. The infernal infertile

        I’m sure your Mum understands. I’m kind of the same… It’s a lot easier to be brave when people you love aren’t being nice to you. It’s the genuine sympathy that gets me every time (as opposed to fake sympathy a la pitying Dr eyes – which are usually tinged with flickers of “aha! I get to suck even more money out of these pathetic losers”).

        I know it’s probably going to be really shitty for you tomorrow… But know that there are lots of us in your corner (except your Mum… I’ll be taking this opportunity to steal her while she’s all sad faces at you…)

        I’ll be thinking of you xxx

  7. Smile

    Fuck. This is an utter load of shit. I’m so sorry. Glad your mum was at least with you for support. Wish I was still in the UK as I would hand deliver the much needed wine but will be thinking about you from here.

  8. Fertility Doll

    I just told Super Man about this all and we’re both sitting in bed equally distressed for you.

    I really am so angry that it’s turned out like this. You’ve been so amazingly strong. This is unfair. I’m screaming at the universe that it is because something out there needs to listen.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks FD and Super Man. I am feeling pretty unhinged today. Now I imagine I have another massive wait to start IVF again ahead of me, plus who’s to say it’s even going to get to a transfer, never mind work?! I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore.

  9. Nushi

    How frustrating and so unfair! Your mom sounds amazing. It’s great that you have your watching out for you through this. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  10. mammacod

    😦 Just so frustrated for you. I, too, am rolling off the virtual bandwagon in solidarity with you. Be nice to yourself. I’m sending strength to help get you through this. {hugs}


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