The first magic number

If you are nuclear physics boff then you will have already gleaned from the blog title just how many eggs I got.*

In the unlikely event that you don’t know what the first magic number is in nuclear physics, I shall tell you. It’s 2.

Two. Again.

I had a major wobble this morning that there wouldn’t be any eggs, and given the events of this week, two seems like a pretty good deal. Still, there is no getting away from the fact that two is a bad outcome. For my test results and my particular set of circumstances, two is a very poor response. Again. Same as last time. I heard the words “unexpected”, “surprising” and “disappointing” banded around by the healthcare professionals today. Again. Same as last time.

Anyway, never mind. Two it is and it’s certainly better than none or a cancellation. They ended up flushing 5 follicles in the end – 3 biggies and 2 smalls. I really hope these 2 are from the big, mature follicles and not a couple of runts. Please please please God, unicorns, Buddha, Jay-Z, whoever is in charge.

I’m sorry this is short and boring but I’m tired and a bit uncomfortable. I was wide awake for my egg collection and it was really fricking painful. Originally Dr Hero said he had concerns that egg collection would be extremely painful and that the follicles may be difficult to reach. He actually said, “I don’t want you screaming in agony on the table”. I reminded the nurses of that little fact this week, and that it clearly said that a general anaesthetic had been recommended for me in my notes. They told me it was too difficult to arrange. Didn’t even make an effort to look into it, or check with a doctor that a normal egg collection would be okay. Maybe they were right since I survived and all, but I think I’ll be having nightmares about it for a some while to come. And Hero was right – I did cry throughout the whole procedure, flinch, squirm and screech in pain.

My clinic are closed over the weekend so I won’t get a fertilisation report until Monday morning. If the embryos have survived, I’ll have a transfer later on that day. I really, really hope they survive. REALLY a LOT. Also, just a small reminder… please don’t give me the “it only takes one” speech. Yeah, yeah, we all know it only takes one. Most people don’t only have one or two to choose from. It doesn’t make me feel better. I am hopeful as I can be about these two, but I am also sad that I am an unexpectedly, inexplicably bad responder. I think that’s allowed.

I feel like I should end this on a positive, but I’m so zonked I can’t think of anything funny so this will have to do.

I went out for lunch with Mr Barren after the egg collection and he made this joke:

“What is the best cheese to hide a horse in?”
“Mascarpone”

(sorry)

BB xx

*makes me a little bit wish I paid attention more in physics. “Double magic” is also a thing. Cool.

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48 thoughts on “The first magic number

  1. Wife of a Sailor

    I hate hate HATE the “it takes only one” speech. If it was so easy for just one, then we would have been pregnant YEARS ago. On our own. With just one egg and one sperm.

    I’m so glad you didn’t have to cancel and I’m praying that you’ll have two beautiful embryos to transfer Monday.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I know!! I don’t know why it bugs me so much because I definitely whisper it to myself when I get stressed. I thick it’s quite an easy thing to say if you’ve had a baby/are pregnant/get lots of eggs.

      This is going to be a loooong weekend :/

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks lovely lady! I think I was disappointed last week when they found the big cyst… just a bit resigned now. Hopefully these two will make it til Monday x

      Reply
  2. jessi

    Sorry to hear that it was so painful. I, too, was awake for my last ER. Doc said afterwards, “wow, you were really uncomfortable when we started messing with your left ovary.” DUH. Two is better than none but I think the real issue at hand here is why the fuck your clinic is not open on the weekend!? They should be ready to transfer at any point given that the best place for an embryo is in your ute, not in a petri dish and when you’ve only got two, you don’t have the luxury of picking between the best 5-day blasts. Sending good vibes for healthy day-3 embryos!!! Hang in there!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I know, total slackers. Makes me mad that I’m penalised for having a Friday egg collection when I’m already in pretty much the worst situation of all of their patients!! Ah well. I had both embryos transferred last time on day 2… Can’t imagine day 3 is going to make much difference.

      This never gets any fricking easier!!!!

      Reply
  3. kiftsgate

    You studied physics? You’re full of surprises BB!
    I had two egg collections w/o being asleep and I still have nightmares about it!! I hope you recover quickly though!
    I will light up candles, do a lucky dance, cross everything I can and ask my fertility dolls and various luck objects to do magic for you. I’ll get Pumpkini on board too.
    I think by now everyone knows I have no sense of humour, so, sorry but I have to ask (sorry for me mainly), can you explain the mascarpone joke?
    xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Well technically I studied physics for about 5 minutes when I researched the number two to write this blog post. Don’t worry, I’m as stupid as you imagine I am šŸ˜€ And yay for the fertility dolls and Pumpkini!!! How can this not work now?!!

      The joke is shit, which probably contributed to your non-understanding… Plus it’s a play on words in English. If you say mascarpone slowly (with an English accent) it sounds like mask-a-pony. Like, you know, hide it.

      Yeah, not funny. I know.

      Reply
      1. kiftsgate

        I don’t think you are stupid at all! I just have a very high regard for people studying physics because that is the one subject I could really not get in school.
        I guess me reading mascarpone in Italian didn’t help get the joke. But I had asked an Irish friend last night and he couldn’t get it either.. Anyways, thanks for the explanation, I hardly slept last night thinking about it (joking).
        Hope you’re recovering from EC and feeling alright. xx

  4. Jenn

    I feel like you’re tricking us and you keep reminding about it only takes one, because you want us to tell you that. Is that not true? 2 is a stupid number :/ Why does your body like it so much?!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      No, I’m trying (in vain) to get people to stop telling me “it only takes one” because it makes me want to claw my eyes out. Yeah it only takes one, but when you only have the choice of two you have to be pretty damn lucky for that one to work. I ovulate every month and that never works. It’s just a FACT peoples. Doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful it will work or happy to get this far. I would also like less of the, “it gets easier from here!” And “don’t worry, it’ll happen for you… I know it!” SO GLAD that you think it gets easier from here, but I’ve been here before and it got so much worse I wanted to kill myself. I’d like to see this crystal ball they are looking into.

      Err, not sure why you are on the receiving end of that rant. All you’ve ever done is be realistic and/or sarcastic. Sorry. Maybe you can be my police and counteract any overly and unhelpfully optimistic comments with the exact opposite for me?

      Reply
      1. Jenn

        Yes, I would like to be known as the Slapping Police, where I slap anyone who talks out of turn or gets a little too positive and optimistic. We don’t need that shit around here.

        And I AGREE! I have probably gotten the “It will happen” comment more than anything else. How the fuck do they know?!

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        You can totally be the Slapping Police. I like it. You failed to slap me being mean to someone who commented on my blog though… “The it only takes one speech is given from people who care for you and should be taken with the Grace and love it is given with. We mean well and care! Positivity should always be taken with that spirit.” tipped me over the edge. I didn’t take it with grace or love. I took it as someone who read my explanation of why that upset me and decided to judge me for it anyway. Then I woz mean.

      3. barrenbetty Post author

        Well, maybe but I was mean. I verbally slapped them even without your slapping police. I am finding that (more so on twitter) pregnant ladies, or those with children already are VERY quick to give mindless encouragement that’s about as bad as all the clueless fertiles I know. I’m not in the mood for it. It’s making me mean.

      4. Jenn

        Yes I have done my job! I don’t care how you responded, it’s YOUR blog. They should learn to follow your rules in the future.

  5. amh! omg!

    Jesus you are so brave – didn’t you have any pain relief or sedation? I was knocked out for mine and it was amazing I was off my face for the rest of the day. I mean they’re sticking a needle into your vaginal wall there was no friggin way I would be awake for that! I applaud your courage!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It was less of the brave, and more of the had-no-choice-whatsoever. It was HORRIBLE though, no way in hell I want to go through that again! I think I had some pain relief, but it didn’t do jack shit and if I had sedation it didn’t work because I was wide awake the whole time. Last time they knocked me out and I didn’t feel or remember anything!!

      Reply
      1. amh! omg!

        one of the only benefits of IVF egg collection was enjoying being knocked out and the maahooosive bar of chocolate my husband brought for me when I came round.

  6. Single motherhood by choice

    I’m a little gobsmacked they don’t put you under for egg retrieval. That’s a bit barbaric. Apart from sparing me from the nightmare-inducing torture aspect, I was glad I was knocked out when the the doctor inserted the bullet-like antibiotic suppository in my ass after the collection. We’re used to dildo cams in the front entrance but that would have been one indignity too far. Try to do something distracting at the weekend, if at all possible, and GOOD LUCK.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any antibiotics this time either… slightly disconcerting!! I’ve got a very exciting weekend planned clearing my allotment (err, whoo!). Roll on Monday!!

      Reply
  7. Bachelor's Button

    Well I’m hoping that they are lovely big eggs that turn into great looking embryos and that in the mean while, when less hurty and while empty of eggs and embryos, you pour yourself one nice glass of red – hopefully the last for eight and a half months. X

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks… me too! I wish I’d asked on Friday now how the eggs looked, but I don’t it would have helped me to not worry over the weekend. You obviously know me well because there is definitely a big glass of red wine with my name on it this weekend! xx

      Reply
      1. Bachelor's Button

        I recommend going dancing too! Make the most of the empty womb time. Fingers tightly crossed. Hxxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh man, me too. Since I’ve had such a bad response everytime, I think 2ish eggs is going to be all my body ever coughs up… It’s so stressful! One more hurdle down at least, just a few more million to go.

      Reply
  8. abwise

    What did one saggu boob say to the other saggy boob?
    We’d better perk up or people will think we’re nuts!
    Sorry for the crappy outcome. Will be sending lots of good vibes your way!

    Reply
  9. NotSoNewtoIVF

    Garhhhh if you ever have to do this again (when you’re having your second child obvs) you are coming to live with me so you can go to a PROPER FUCKING CLINIC that don’t practice torture xx

    Reply
  10. ivfdream

    The it only takes one speech is given from people who care for you and should be taken with the Grace and love it is given with. We mean well and care! Positivity should always be taken with that spirit.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I think it’s a very easy thing to say if you are pregnant, or already have a child, or get lots of eggs. It doesn’t help me, I find it annoying. If it’s clearly something that upsets me, it’s not come from someone who cares. Please don’t tell me how to take things. If I find something annoying then I find it annoying.

      People also tell me to “relax!” And “it’ll happen when I least expect it”. That is meant positively too, but it is unhelpful, uneducated and upsetting.

      Reply
      1. ivfdream

        I just try to look at the intention behind the comment and then instead of reacting as that doesn’t help my stress levels or positive thoughts, I let the comments flow past. I concentrate on resting and building energy levels as after egg retrieval, I needed all the caring thoughts I could get! Sorry it doesn’t work for you. I have control over what annoys or stresses me, I try to remind myself this. It has helped me, my embryos and my womb and now my 14 week baby. You can always ignore advice and think well of the people who give it, I guess. I focus on what people intend and not how I might react to how it’s making me feel. Again, feel free to ignore that advice! Let it flow over your head!

    2. Jenn

      *SLAP* If you can’t follow her rules and keep your positivity to yourself, I will do it again. Also, thanks for mentioning your pregnancy when she reiterated the importance of not doing exactly what you have done. Read better.

      Reply
    3. kiftsgate

      I actually find that it is helpful to let people know what you need in a moment of struggle. We are here to support her and if something may end up annoying her, it is just fair to let us know. I really think communication is key. Why would infertiles have to filter comments in their head instead of letting people know how they feel? That would make life easier for everyone. Positivity can be hard to take when you are struggling, sometimes all you need is realism and people to let you know they are there for you (if they want to be there)..

      Reply
  11. A Wish For Baby

    I’ve recently learnt that you can’t see my tweets! So I just wanted to say I’m so happy to hear you’re finally pupo after so much shit. I really wish you all the luck in the world for this cycle hun. Obviously I’m commenting on the wrong blog post but I just wanted to say it today! xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh no! Am I not following you on twitter?! You must have thought I was just ignoring all your tweets!!! Sorry :/

      I’m so happy to be pupo after this crappy cycle. Feels like a miracle really… at least it’s a chance! xxx

      Reply

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