Game over

To be honest, it wasn’t really much of a game. I had my suspicions on Sunday when I noticed some horribly familiar cramps, but by Monday I knew. Game over.

I had cramp last time during implantation and early pregnancy, but not like this. It’s quite a subtle difference because they both hurt and hurt in similar places, but I knew it was the wrong kind of cramp right from Sunday evening. I didn’t feel that particular type of cramp last time until the night the heartbeat stopped. I woke up in the night the day before I would have been 9 weeks and felt the same horrible, familiar burning pain and I knew it was game over then too.

I didn’t even get to play my poas games. No point. No point because I knew it hadn’t worked. I’ve obviously done one to confirm my suspicions, but I didn’t need to.

The 8 months since my last transfer felt like an eternity. I dread to think how long the next one will take, or how dismal my response will be to absolutely every single drug I’m given. Northeisterone? Doesn’t work. Buserelin? Doesn’t work. Zoladex? Worked in the past, but no more apparently. Various stims? Inexplicably bad response. My AMH is low for my age, but it’s not exactly terrible. I have severe endometriosis, but I have two working ovaries with an AFC of 25 last time it was checked. I’m only 31. There’s just no good reason why I only managed to produce 3 mature eggs over 2 fresh rounds of IVF. I ovulate every month anyway. It all feels like a hugely expensive experiment with very little to show for it.

AF has shown up well before OTD (which is ludicrously late anyway), but spot on for my cycles which have tended to be slightly short of late (26/27 days). In the event that this happens the clinic say to call them early, which I’m going to do tomorrow. They will then have a meeting with a doctor, embryologist and nurse to see if they could have done anything differently. I doubt it since I was on the maximum dose of stims. I’m torn between having another go at the maximum dose and trying to get a few more eggs to choose from and asking them to do a more mild approach with the expectation of only getting one or two. Since 3/5 of the follicles last time were empty I’m not sure they’d agree to that, or if it’s another stupid waste of money anyway.

I don’t know what happens now. A follow up appointment I guess, although God knows when that will be. I wonder if being quite so poorly made things worse, but who knows.

These cramps are awful and are reminding me of my miscarriage in August. At least I can have ibuprofen now, hot water bottles and baths. With a 16mm lining (at the last check!), I am willing to bet this next week is going to be pretty fucking awful.

BB xx

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31 thoughts on “Game over

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks…. and it would be really awkward cos I’d be all crying and snot on you too. I had to go and buy AF related paraphernalia yesterday and I CRIED AT THE CHECKOUT IN BOOTS.

      Reply
  1. GK

    *more awkward hugs and a slightly (unintentionally) patronising pat on the shoulder and offer of a tissue as I have no idea what else to do* Im so very sorry to hear this news. It truly sucks x

    Reply
  2. jinxgirl

    Oh B I’m so so gutted for you. Fucking AF showing her fucking ugly face. Doesn’t she know no-one wants to be her friend!
    Massive holds on longer than is comfortable hugs from me. xx

    Reply
  3. BD

    Sorry to hear your news. It’s crap isn’t it. You spend the tww constantly wondering whether it’s worked but when it doesn’t, it’s still a shock x

    Reply
  4. kiftsgate

    I’m really really sorry sweetie. I was dreading that no news meant bad news this time.. I really wish I could come over to give you a big Italian hug! I hope you have some chocolate and alcohol around. xxx

    Reply
  5. Clare

    Ugh. WTF? I’m so sorry Betty. That is seriously fucked. I’m gutted for you. I hope your doctor has some explanation. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. It just makes it that much worse when there’s no answers.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      That’s so true. I hate having no answers and being such an anomaly all the time. Surely there must be a reason I respond so dreadfully to everything?! Bleugh. I have a horrible feeling they will just shrug their shoulders and do the same thing again. Have to wait and see I guess :/ xxx

      Reply
  6. Kitten

    No! Betty, I am so sorry. I was really holding out hope that after all the shit you’ve been through, this would be your time. You will be in my thoughts.

    Reply
  7. oliverschmoliver

    No!!! Gosh, I hate this. I’m so sorry you have to go through this again. It just isn’t fair. Have you gotten a second opinion? Is there anything immunological? There’s a distinct link with that and endometriosis. If/when you’re ready again, message me and I can send you the info I have. I know a great RE who can review your case and do a skype consult no matter where your location is. I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to think of right now.. Thinking of and praying for you.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      This is the second opinion unfortunately! I’m seeing the doctor again a week on Monday so will see what they say. I got angry with the nurse on the phone because she said that they will review my case but to bear in mind that 9 times out of 10 they are happy with the treatment plan and just do the same thing again…. And I was like, err, I hope you aren’t f*cking happy with my treatment plan!!!

      My last two doctors seemed quite skeptical about immunological links. They said nothing was proven yet but the immune system might play a part, or it could be hereditary. I’m not sure what they’ve tested me for really… Need to check at the review meeting. Urgh, I just can’t face doing it all again!!!

      Reply
      1. oliverschmoliver

        I know most physicians aren’t on board with the immunological stuff yet but I feel like it’s always worth exploring. The cost to do labs for that to rule it out are much less than cycles possibly failing because there’s something going on. Doesn’t make sense to me why more aren’t jumping on board with it. I have articles I’ve researched if you are interested. Good luck! I know that’s so frustrating to not have definitive answers!

  8. mammacod

    Ugh, Betty, I’m so terribly sorry. It totally sucks, and I know how unbearable it is when you find out a cycle hasn’t worked. All I can do is say we’re all here for you, and I hope you can pick yourself up soon and get back to it. Hang in there, friend. xoxoxo

    Reply
  9. Chelsie

    You and me both lady… My period started an hour before my beta test today (negative, of course.) Killer cramps. I came home from work, ran a hot bath and poured a glass of scotch !

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Urgh, I’m so sorry you’re suffering the same. What a steaming pile of shite. Was this your first cycle? My period arrived so early it had completely stopped by the time my test day rolled around. Lolz. I hope you are doing okay xx

      Reply
  10. waitingforthesquirt

    I’m so sorry BB. I’m behind on my catching up and didn’t know you were going through this. It hurts so much. I didn’t even make a follow up appointment because mine was also a massive fail and I didn’t see the point of throwing more $ at more fails (maybe one day I’ll get up the nerve to make that appt. lots if awkward love to you xo

    Reply

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