To be honest, it wasn’t really much of a game. I had my suspicions on Sunday when I noticed some horribly familiar cramps, but by Monday I knew. Game over.
I had cramp last time during implantation and early pregnancy, but not like this. It’s quite a subtle difference because they both hurt and hurt in similar places, but I knew it was the wrong kind of cramp right from Sunday evening. I didn’t feel that particular type of cramp last time until the night the heartbeat stopped. I woke up in the night the day before I would have been 9 weeks and felt the same horrible, familiar burning pain and I knew it was game over then too.
I didn’t even get to play my poas games. No point. No point because I knew it hadn’t worked. I’ve obviously done one to confirm my suspicions, but I didn’t need to.
The 8 months since my last transfer felt like an eternity. I dread to think how long the next one will take, or how dismal my response will be to absolutely every single drug I’m given. Northeisterone? Doesn’t work. Buserelin? Doesn’t work. Zoladex? Worked in the past, but no more apparently. Various stims? Inexplicably bad response. My AMH is low for my age, but it’s not exactly terrible. I have severe endometriosis, but I have two working ovaries with an AFC of 25 last time it was checked. I’m only 31. There’s just no good reason why I only managed to produce 3 mature eggs over 2 fresh rounds of IVF. I ovulate every month anyway. It all feels like a hugely expensive experiment with very little to show for it.
AF has shown up well before OTD (which is ludicrously late anyway), but spot on for my cycles which have tended to be slightly short of late (26/27 days). In the event that this happens the clinic say to call them early, which I’m going to do tomorrow. They will then have a meeting with a doctor, embryologist and nurse to see if they could have done anything differently. I doubt it since I was on the maximum dose of stims. I’m torn between having another go at the maximum dose and trying to get a few more eggs to choose from and asking them to do a more mild approach with the expectation of only getting one or two. Since 3/5 of the follicles last time were empty I’m not sure they’d agree to that, or if it’s another stupid waste of money anyway.
I don’t know what happens now. A follow up appointment I guess, although God knows when that will be. I wonder if being quite so poorly made things worse, but who knows.
These cramps are awful and are reminding me of my miscarriage in August. At least I can have ibuprofen now, hot water bottles and baths. With a 16mm lining (at the last check!), I am willing to bet this next week is going to be pretty fucking awful.