Swimming rules

Still alive, yo. I mean, I am really, really dreadfully miserable, lost and poor, but I’ll spare you the details. Instead I’m going to tell you about my health kick – I copied Jenn and joined MyFitnessPal so if you want to stalk me and see what I’m doing and eating, be my guest. I am not lying on there about my current alcohol consumption (high) so judge me at your peril.

I decided that if I can’t have children, I really need to at least be skinny so I have restarted swimming, which along with walking and hiking is the only exercise I have any sticking power with. For reasons unknown I have also purchased a skipping rope.

Let’s get this straight. I am a proper swimmer. A goggles on, freestyle/front crawl, Olympian Swimmer. I also quite fancy myself as a champion breaststroker, but that sounds wrong so maybe I shouldn’t say that. Anyway, I swim properly, by which I mean I get my head down and my hair wet and I do actual exercise.

I DO NOT do the following, unlike an estimated 65% of the pool population at any one given time:

1. Waft my arms and legs gently under the water in no way resembling any swimming stroke known to man and slowly (very slowly) float down the pool. I am 99% certain that most of these people only move from one end of the pool to the other riding on the waves of the other people actually swimming around them.

2. Swim (or more usually, float very slowly) diagonally across the whole pool.

3. Walk half way down the pool whilst continuing to do breaststroke arms so it still looks like I am swimming.

Other things that are true, but apparently unknown by everyone else in the pool:

1. Aggressively splashing when you swim DOES NOT make you go faster. It’s like, physics innit. You are wasting energy with all that stupid splashing, you look like an idiot, and it is making you go more slowly. It is also annoying. Stop.

2. “Swim clockwise” when written at the end of a lane means, swim clockwise. It DOES NOT mean swim anti-clockwise. It DOES NOT mean swim in pairs/walk whilst wafting your arms and take up the whole lane chatting. It DOES NOT mean swim down the middle of the lane.

3. “Fast” lane is for fast people, “slow” lane is for slow people, and “medium” lane is somewhere in between.

4. The fast lane is NOT for slow people. It is also NOT for the LOVE OF GOD for doing handstands in, you massive, massive dickwad.

5. The medium lane is almost always quieter and faster than the fast lane. Apart from the days when there is a Wafter in there. Incidentally, I had a really good swim just before Christmas in the medium lane with a man who was very evenly matched with my swimming ability. We swam our lengths in perfect harmony. It was like synchronised swimming, ballet and classical music all at the same time. Then a Wafter got in. Without speaking, the man and I combined our swimming prowess and stealth bullied her out of the lane in less than 10 minutes. Sigh. Where is he now?

6. You MUST NOT do backstroke in the swimming lanes unless you have eyes in the back of your head, or you are an Olympic champion.

7. You MUST NOT do butterfly. Ever, anywhere, and definitely not anywhere near me.

Things that I will do if you break these rules:

1. If you swim slowly in front of me and you are not in the right place (ie the slow lane, or the general pool) I will give you a head start. Then I will catch you up and tickle your feet all the way to the end of the lane. If you don’t get the hint, I will overtake you and splash a lot of water in your face. Not sorry. Learn to read. Or swim.

2. If you don’t know what “swim clockwise” means, I will swim directly at you and run you down. These people are usually the Priority-Keep-My-Hair-Dry Wafters so I find that aggressively swimming straight at them freestyle causes them to panic and move. I don’t think they realise you can see where you are going doing freestyle, which works a treat. I am the pool cat amongst the stupid lazy pool pigeons.

3. I am not going to say what is going to happen to the handstand man next time I see him. I am highly suspicious that Handstand Man and Butterfly Man are one and the same moron.

Finally, to the man swimming entire pool lengths at the bottom of the pool, you do not look clever, it’s just weird you are swimming underneath people. To the lady I crashed into yesterday, I am not really sorry, I did it on purpose. To the man who drifts diagonally across the whole pool on his back, I am going to tether you to the side next time I see you and other people will help me do it.

I feel a bit better now, thanks!

BB xx

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39 thoughts on “Swimming rules

  1. kiftsgate

    GO GIRL!!! I like that attitude! I think we could get along swimming in the same pool. Looks like we get annoyed by the same things… I am also very happy to see that you are alive. I was starting to get a bit worried… I do have a little confession: I sometimes do swim a bit diagonally, though I try my best to go straight at the swimming pool and generally succeed. I have always been wondering why though and would be happy to hear your opinion if you have any. You sound like you know your stuff about swimming.. xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I really wish they would give me a whistle and a badge. I’d get that pool organised in NO TIME!! I’m glad you agree with my rules. You are allowed in my swimming pool.

      I find that I start to go slowly if I daydream. I need to keep focused on the swimming to go fast and do proper exercise. Maybe that is the reason for your veering? Are you a daydreamer too? Maybe you just need to tie weights on one arm to balance yourself out πŸ˜‰ xxx

      Reply
      1. kiftsgate

        Thank you! very magnanimous swimming pool boss! Actually the day dreaming theory is very interesting. I do drift more when I’m less focused. Not just a pretty face ans swimmer’s body, dear BB!
        xxx

  2. journeyformybaby

    I was literally laughing reading this! I think i am guilty of 1 and 3 in the “65% of ppl do this” section. And i admit that i love floating on my back but its hard to do without being in the way so feel free to tether me to the side. I’m also jealous that you swim so well.

    Reply
  3. NotSoNewtoIVF

    hahaha! I am also a goggles on swimmer although a) haven’t done it for soooo long and b) don’t think I’m as hard core as you. But yes, yes and yes all these things drive me CRAZY! Although you’ve missed the ‘full on make-up that must not get wet’ Wafters which is usually combined with Priority-Keep-My-Hair-Dry Wafters but….seriously! why are you wearing full on make-up in the pool?! Weird.
    I think you’ve inspired me to get back swimming. don’t know what the hell you’re doing with a skipping rope though dude.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yes! A woman after my own heart. I’d forgotten about the full face makeup wafters. I bet those people burn more calories getting changed and putting their make up on than they do swimming. You should definitely go swimming again! I love it. I find it really clears my mind too when I’m stressed.

      I’m going to try skipping this afternoon in the back garden. I shall report back what happens.

      Reply
  4. Jenn

    If you don’t stand on your head, how will you impress the ladies?! I definitely swim diagonally. That’s a lie. I don’t swim. Silly. But if I did swim, it would be in not a straight line. Like how I walk. I’m one of those bloody annoying people that when walking next to you, keeps walking toward you/pushing you over.

    Reply
    1. Jenn

      Look how I made it about myself again. I’M TERRIBLE. I did it again. I’m glad your back and doing something you enjoy, even though other people are trying to ruin it for you. DON’T DRINK AND SWIM.

      Reply
    2. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh man, you are one of THOSE people. My husband is one of those as well. He alternates between crashing into me and falling off the pavement into the road.

      Reply
  5. aislinnnoltieAislinn

    All I can say is I’m glad I did 99% of my swimming while on a swim team, so all the rules were followed just in case our coach decided he hated us that day and made everyone do butterfly. Also, butterfly is the worse stroke in the world, two of my teammates collided arms during practice and one came away with a broken arm.

    I am also happy to see you alive and kicking (hehehe, sorry that was bad.)

    Reply
  6. mylifeasacasestudy

    Thanks for the laughs! Though, I feel sheepish because I am guilty of doing the backstroke, since I suck at stroking breasts (lolol). I feel the same–since I’m not KU or parenting, I seek redemption by looking and feeling my best (eat your heart out, fertiles!) XO

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It’s okay, backstrokers are quite far down on my offender list. You do spinning don’t you? I’ve caved and joined the full gym now but I’m scared of going to spinning class on my own. Last time I went to a class I did circuits and it very nearly killed me. Maybe I will stick to the cross trainer.

      Reply
  7. hopingonhope

    Lol. I agree with all you say. Used to be a hardcore swimmer once upon a time, now with all the weight am gonna sink like a stone. You have inspired me to get back to working out. πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yay! Join MyFitnessPal, it’s fun. Also, I didn’t sink, so you won’t sink either! I used to swim a lot, but faltered over the last few years with fertility treatments, operations etc and when I started again after my miscarriage in the summer I was surprised at how quickly it all came back. You can do it!

      Reply
  8. buckrugerlayla

    Hahahahaha…this is great. I hate when proper work-out etiquette is not followed. And usually people do this right when I have 0 tolerance and really want to do insane things in retaliation. All joking aside I am happy you are doing this, even if it is just a brief break from everything else. Also because being more hot makes super fertiles angry which is funny.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      You are SO RIGHT about their being a work out etiquette. Everyone would be happy if we all followed the rules. I am hoping the exercise will give me some happy hormones cos I really need some at the moment!!

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I hope it starts to make me skinny real soon. I’m bored of being lazy and blobby. I think it would help enormously if I gave up wine too… Maybe next week πŸ˜‰ xxx

      Reply
  9. Holly E

    OMG I laughed so hard reading this!! Are we already friends on MFP? If not, find me on the twits and I’ll DM you my email. I’ve been tracking again too and doing really well.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I only have one friend on MFP and it’s not you… So no! I can’t find you 😦 I am bettythecakemonster. Does that help?! I’m not very good at using it yet!

      Reply
  10. Fertility Doll

    Ok, we definitely can’t go swimming together coz I’m one of those ‘thinks she’s doing breast stroke but really isn’t’ types. I’m also super slow. However, I am super proud of you for getting out there and back into the pool. I hope 2014 starts looking up for you. Bring on the house projects!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      At the moment I’m swinging between doing loads of exercise and trying to stay positive, then lying on the floor for 5 hours crying.

      Hmm, no doesn’t sound like we’d make successful swimming partners. Although judging by my behaviour in the pool this week, you’d probably learn to get out of my way pretty sharpish πŸ˜‰ xxx

      Reply
  11. Single motherhood by choice

    I bought a swimsuit a month or two ago with the aim of taking up lessons. I swim terribly and can’t tread water, so I salute you. Don’t listen to the skipping rope haters πŸ˜‰ I have one and you can skip in front of the TV when it’s sh*tting down outside or out in the garden when it’s sunny – the perfect exercise tool IMHO.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I am looking forward to trying out the skipping rope. I hate running SO BAD, I thought skipping in the back garden might be a less offensive alternative. At least less people will see me doing it!

      Reply
  12. The infernal infertile

    I’m a crap swimmer… But I try really hard! I’ve got one leg that does this ridiculous flippy twitch thing while I’m trying to do breast stroke… I think it makes me look like a demented frog.

    I’m WAY too afraid to get in a pool with you… The only thing I’ve got going for me is that I’m very buoyant so it would be easy for you to float me to the side of the pool for tethering.

    I’m pretty sure we’d go well together in a bar though…

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh man. I almost wrote about the demented frog in my post… but she was doing demented frog backstroke so maybe it wasn’t you. I wondered if she actually evolved from frogs it was so impressively frogg-y.

      We could definitely be drinking buddies though, no probs.

      Reply
  13. auclairedelalune

    Very amusing description. Good job on getting back in the pool! I’m trying to motivate myself to get back to swimming, but haven’t quite made the plunge. It was so much easier to go swimming at university when I almost alway had my own lane. Pools here in France are usually crowded and not super pleasant. Hopefully this post will motivate me and help me to laugh at the pool situation even if it’s not ideal.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      You should go for it! I felt exactly the same before I started. You just need to find your inner bully and push everyone else outta the way. At first you feel bad, then it’s fun… Trust me πŸ˜‰ xxx

      Reply

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