Still alive, yo. I mean, I am really, really dreadfully miserable, lost and poor, but I’ll spare you the details. Instead I’m going to tell you about my health kick – I copied Jenn and joined MyFitnessPal so if you want to stalk me and see what I’m doing and eating, be my guest. I am not lying on there about my current alcohol consumption (high) so judge me at your peril.
I decided that if I can’t have children, I really need to at least be skinny so I have restarted swimming, which along with walking and hiking is the only exercise I have any sticking power with. For reasons unknown I have also purchased a skipping rope.
Let’s get this straight. I am a proper swimmer. A goggles on, freestyle/front crawl, Olympian Swimmer. I also quite fancy myself as a champion breaststroker, but that sounds wrong so maybe I shouldn’t say that. Anyway, I swim properly, by which I mean I get my head down and my hair wet and I do actual exercise.
I DO NOT do the following, unlike an estimated 65% of the pool population at any one given time:
1. Waft my arms and legs gently under the water in no way resembling any swimming stroke known to man and slowly (very slowly) float down the pool. I am 99% certain that most of these people only move from one end of the pool to the other riding on the waves of the other people actually swimming around them.
2. Swim (or more usually, float very slowly) diagonally across the whole pool.
3. Walk half way down the pool whilst continuing to do breaststroke arms so it still looks like I am swimming.
Other things that are true, but apparently unknown by everyone else in the pool:
1. Aggressively splashing when you swim DOES NOT make you go faster. It’s like, physics innit. You are wasting energy with all that stupid splashing, you look like an idiot, and it is making you go more slowly. It is also annoying. Stop.
2. “Swim clockwise” when written at the end of a lane means, swim clockwise. It DOES NOT mean swim anti-clockwise. It DOES NOT mean swim in pairs/walk whilst wafting your arms and take up the whole lane chatting. It DOES NOT mean swim down the middle of the lane.
3. “Fast” lane is for fast people, “slow” lane is for slow people, and “medium” lane is somewhere in between.
4. The fast lane is NOT for slow people. It is also NOT for the LOVE OF GOD for doing handstands in, you massive, massive dickwad.
5. The medium lane is almost always quieter and faster than the fast lane. Apart from the days when there is a Wafter in there. Incidentally, I had a really good swim just before Christmas in the medium lane with a man who was very evenly matched with my swimming ability. We swam our lengths in perfect harmony. It was like synchronised swimming, ballet and classical music all at the same time. Then a Wafter got in. Without speaking, the man and I combined our swimming prowess and stealth bullied her out of the lane in less than 10 minutes. Sigh. Where is he now?
6. You MUST NOT do backstroke in the swimming lanes unless you have eyes in the back of your head, or you are an Olympic champion.
7. You MUST NOT do butterfly. Ever, anywhere, and definitely not anywhere near me.
Things that I will do if you break these rules:
1. If you swim slowly in front of me and you are not in the right place (ie the slow lane, or the general pool) I will give you a head start. Then I will catch you up and tickle your feet all the way to the end of the lane. If you don’t get the hint, I will overtake you and splash a lot of water in your face. Not sorry. Learn to read. Or swim.
2. If you don’t know what “swim clockwise” means, I will swim directly at you and run you down. These people are usually the Priority-Keep-My-Hair-Dry Wafters so I find that aggressively swimming straight at them freestyle causes them to panic and move. I don’t think they realise you can see where you are going doing freestyle, which works a treat. I am the pool cat amongst the stupid lazy pool pigeons.
3. I am not going to say what is going to happen to the handstand man next time I see him. I am highly suspicious that Handstand Man and Butterfly Man are one and the same moron.
Finally, to the man swimming entire pool lengths at the bottom of the pool, you do not look clever, it’s just weird you are swimming underneath people. To the lady I crashed into yesterday, I am not really sorry, I did it on purpose. To the man who drifts diagonally across the whole pool on his back, I am going to tether you to the side next time I see you and other people will help me do it.
I feel a bit better now, thanks!