The elephant on my head is really heavy

I fear this cycle is going to be the one to push me head first into actual madness. Yeah, the will-it-won’t-it-more-likely-it-won’t-work pressure, financial worries and being jacked up on IVF drugs is like carrying around an elephant everywhere that’s shitting all over your head. An elephant that is completely invisible to the rest of mankind, so you just plaster a big smile on your face and drag it around with you, pretending that it’s nothing while invisible shit goes in your eyes and in your mouth and all down your shirt.

I’m sure you all know the feeling well. Anyways, this cycle I have discovered an added dimension to my mental. Deja vu.

The weather is getting better in the UK; it’s sunny and warm. The leaves are on the trees, the river bank is all green and leafy, the birds are singing, people are cycling everywhere in inappropriate cycling gear, the ice cream vans are back. Normally I like this, and I still do, but it’s reminding me so, so, so much of the miscarriage cycle last year. Everywhere I walk there is a smell that takes me back to some place I want to forget, or a memory I wish I didn’t have. There are bloody reminders everywhere now. Even if I walked around with my eyes closed, they’d just go straight up my nose and stab me in the heart that way.

I can’t get away from the feeling that history is repeating itself and I can’t do it again. I can’t. I can’t spent thousands and thousands of pounds, over months and months to get pregnant again only to have another miscarriage. It seems too unfair to not to be able to conceive naturally, to have to pay huge amounts just for the chance, to have it end in miscarriage again. It’s too unfair, it’s too much bad luck for one person and it’s too much for me.

For all those people who say, “God only gives you what you can handle”, I would like to ask them to tell him that I cannot handle anymore, and I want the shitting elephant off my head*. Thanks.

BB xx

*maybe omit the word shit if you are speaking directly to God.

P.s. This overly dramatic, self pitying post may be related to the undeniable feeling I have that AF is about to make an appearance. Early. Despite the fact that I still have one more day of the pill to take and an endometrial scratch and mock transfer on Thursday. They can’t do a mock transfer when AF is in town, nor I presume a scratch. WHY GODDAMIT WHY.


20 thoughts on “The elephant on my head is really heavy

  1. NotSoNewtoIVF

    Oh BB I was thinking of you today. I also have a huge shitting elephant in my head and this shit stinks….and apparently makes me spend 5 hours in sexual health clinics in the space of 4 days. AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE!
    This journey is so cruel…No more cruel please, you’ve had enough.
    I’m hoping so much you’re just normal crazy and not AF crazy and all is ok for Thursday xxx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Argh!!! For some reason they aren’t repeating my tests… Even though I’m sure they are out of date, and I pointed that out to them. Saves me a trip to the skanky STD clinic or a couple of hundred pounds anyway! I think we are both well overdue a break now. I’m so over all of this shit. Fingers crossed this is the last cycle for us both xxx

  2. Fertility Doll

    I always figured that God must think we’re pretty badass but I think we could all do without this type of badass. Thinking of you having those daily reminders makes me really sad, especially as I can remember when you announced it on here. I really really hope our cycles behave this time – that after all the pain of drugs and egg collection we do get decent eggs and that the cells fertilise and divide and conquer! That God.. Buddha.. Allah.. Zeus.. Ganesh.. don’t give us a reason to cry unless it’s tears of joy.

    Our circle of friends here are all tired – you, me, NotSoNewtoIVF and Kiftsgate to name a few.. we all need some rainbows and unicorns now. Not shitting elephants.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yep, I think we are well overdue a break now. I’m so tired and sick of it all. We just need ONE GOOD EGG to do what it is supposed to. Is that too much to ask?!

  3. redbluebird

    The shitting elephant is a good comparison. I’m sorry all of this has happened to you. It certainly isn’t fair, and it must be so painful to have so many reminders surrounding you. I just hope, and believe, that someday soon you’ll have success, and that happy reminders will surround you instead. F off, elephant, you’ve outstayed your welcome!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yeah, stupid elephant can F right off! I’m just so tired of it all. Can’t believe this is the fourth year of TTC and I’m still here. I just want it all to end 😦

  4. kiftsgate

    I find the image of the shitting elephant extremely appropriate. Nice metaphor! I’m sorry you’re being reminded of last year. It’s not easy and you don’t need that right now.. my AF crazy lasts for days before AF. I kinda hope the same goes for you this time so you can do your mock transfer on Thursday…
    If it makes you feel better to have company I think my own elephant has diarrhea.
    Big hug BB! xx

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It’s eased off a bit today so fingers crossed… Just need to hold on until Thursday lunchtime then it can do whatever it likes! I am so mad your elephant is crapping on you too. Stupid stupid elephants. I hope you are holding up okay today xxx

  5. Smile

    Boo to shitting elephants. I think we all deserve our fucking happy endings right about now. Hoping that evil bitch AF stays away so that you can proceed with the scratch & mock (sounds like a terrible drink).

  6. GK

    I hope that AF holds off and your elephant ODs on Imodium and gets seriously bunged up for a while. You’re due some good news.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks! I’m just feeling the same today so fingers crossed it will hold off… I only need another 24 hours!!! This has happened to me before on the pill. I’d forgotten all about it since it’s been years and years since I took it regularly. Oh well. Fingers crossed it happens tomorrow :/ xxx


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