It’s the same.

Well that will teach me for being positive. A while ago someone told me that positivity had an impact on eggs, and that I was too negative. Think today has proven that little idea wrong.

I’m saying it’s the same, but in some ways it was worse. High five ovaries, you have out done yourself once again you stupid little shits.

The egg collection should have taken 10 minutes, but in the end it took 1h 15m and according to Hero (who was so lovely to me afterwards he made me cry even more) it was “complicated”, “difficult” and a “real exercise”. Thank you endometriosis, you massive BITCH. Good job for everyone I was under the general I guess. He drained the 14 “follicles”, but said that there was a lot of scar tissue and adhesions so they weren’t really all proper follicles. There was a lot of fluid and blood all taking up precious follicle space instead.

Anyways, 14 follicles; 3 eggs. Shit.

This cycle has propelled us well into the 5 figure sum spent/wasted on IVF so far and that has bought me 6 eggs. Shit. I don’t even know if these three were mature, and I won’t find out until Wednesday.

I don’t know what the point of all this is. Even with the maximum dose and multiple IVF rounds I hardly get any chances. I’m back to wondering if I will even get to have a transfer, never mind have any embryos to actually choose from. That appears to be a luxury I will never have.

Just a final quick note before I go and bury myself under a ton of bricks and shout lots of swear words. If you’ve been reading my blog a while, I think you’ll know what’s coming… but please, please don’t tell me it only takes one. I know it does. The fact is that once again, I hardly have anything and I will need to be very lucky for this to be the one that works. It’s hugely expensive and for my age and test results, I am a consistently and inexplicably, a terrible responder. Given the fact that I had so many more follicles this time I think it’s understandable that I am disappointed and upset. It’s all been rubbish, again. I know it only takes one and I am relieved to have three, but I shouldn’t have to think, “oh phew, at least I got an egg” every time.

Ok, consider yourself told off before you even opened your mouths to encourage me (sorry, just imagine being Dr Hero or Mr B today).

BB xx

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63 thoughts on “It’s the same.

  1. Jenn

    So did you wake up and see a measly 3 written on your hand?! I see why it seems worse. If there were 5 follies and they got 3 eggs, it makes more sense. But 14 follies and 3 eggs? NO. That sucks. I can’t believe you have hit 5 figures and haven’t even gotten to do a fucking transfer yet! YOUR BODY IS ATROCIOUS. Like myself, I feel like you know what it’s like to have everyone around you able to go through with their IVFs. You may be starting them, but you have yet to actually complete a cycle. It’s just as bad and in both cases, it sucks ass.

    P.S. If anyone even THINKS about mentioning it just takes one, I will put back on my Infertile Police uniform and swat you upside the head with my Asshole Stick.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I CAN’T SCRUB IT OFF!!! Maybe I should just slice it off with a kitchen knife? Bad idea? Burn it off with a cigarette? Oh wait, I don’t smoke. Bleach?

      P.s. Oh no, don’t you remember last time?!! Stand down, lieutenant. You, *okay* we, got in all kinds of trouble before. At least send out a warning letter before you full on arrest people and throw them in jail 😉 xxx

      Reply
  2. thebarrenlibrarian

    Yeah, it may just take one, but you sure want a whole heck of a lot more than that as back up. I’m sorry friend. I’m hoping at the very least that all three of those are the best freaking eggs in the history of IVF. This just isn’t fair.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks chick. I am so angry and fed up today but hopefully I’ll snap out of it when I wake up tomorrow! It all seems like a very expensive waste of time today. The doctor was so lovely, I think he was disappointed too. I do feel strangely vindicated that the egg collection was so difficult for him… Kind of makes the general anaesthetic worthwhile even despite the low number of eggs! x

      Reply
  3. hopefulandhungry

    Damn!!! I’m so pissed that you didn’t have a better retrieval. I really wanted you to have the stellar retrieval that is long overdue! I hope your eggs will be great embryos. I’m sorry that things didn’t go better, I’m thinking of you. xoxo

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks lovely lady. I was so upset yesterday, but I’ve calmed down a bit today. I think my ovaries are just so damaged… It’s obviously going to be like this every time. Thank goodness I was under the general anaesthetic though – retrieval took 1h 15m!!! xxx

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks Lauren. I’m getting so fed up of this all now… Feels like it’s been going on such a long time and I just can’t see it ever working. My ovaries are useless 😦

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha, that made me laugh a bit! Thanks!! It really does suck BAD. My ovaries are useless pieces of CRAP. I’m going to spend today lying about feeling sorry for myself x

      Reply
  4. redbluebird

    Yuck, I’m sorry. This massively sucks. I can’t imagine how bad it would have been if they hadn’t given you general anesthetic! This must be so effing disappointing– you’d think 14 follicles would lead to at least a few more eggs. I really, really, REALLY hope those are some amazing eggs. It’s not over yet. I’m thinking of you. xo

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Urgh, I hope so. I’m so scared they were from smaller follicles because I had so many. I did everything I could at least. I’m so glad it was a general! Even the doctor said he was very relieved it was because it was so complicated and meant that he could really take his time washing and draining everything. It’s going to be a looong wait for the fert report… I’m going to sneaky call them today anyway and see if they can tell me anything!

      Reply
  5. The infernal infertile

    Firstly… I am so glad you got that General Anaesthetic… I can’t imagine what that would have been like without it, and it may have helped you get what will now forever be known as “the measly three”.

    Second… I’m so sorry Betty… I too have been punched in the face every time I’ve tried to be positive. My DH tells me I shouldn’t be so negative, but if I know one thing, it’s that my body will always let me down. Three is better than none… but it’s nowhere near as good as 14.

    Here’s hoping the measly three get their fertilisation on good and proper… I’ll start rounding up those damn unicorns again (although to be fair… they don’t seem to be worth the fairy dust they eat!)

    Thinking of you xxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha, they are the measly three alright. I think it would have been impossible without the general. I was in so much pain before hand I couldn’t actually even sit down!! At least with such a difficult collection I feel vindicated in getting the special treatment – I obviously needed it!

      I can’t help being negative for that exact reason – everything, every goddam thing, has gone wrong. Over and over and over again. Even when the chances of it going wrong are tiny, I’ve been in it. Over and over. It wears you down!!

      I’m starting to dread the fert report. I can’t believe I’m in such dodgy territory again with even getting to transfer 😦 xxx

      Reply
  6. Searchingforourstork

    I’m so sorry! I am thankful that they didn’t, or rather that you didn’t let them drop the ball on the general. I am thinking of you and hoping that you’re not too uncomfortable and that you have good pain meds after such a long and grueling procedure. xoxo

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Me too! Such a relief it was a general… It would have been horrific! I don’t feel too bad today. I was in a lot of pain before the egg collection, but there was a lot of fluid and follicles all pushing on scar tissue so now that’s gone it’s tons better. It was so bad the last couple of days I couldn’t even sit down!!

      Reply
  7. lucy50

    Life is a huge pile of shit sometimes, and all this stinks to high heaven.
    I’m hoping you can soon find some peace in all this.
    In the meantime, I’m holding out until Wednesday to find out what happens with those three eggs.

    Reply
  8. Isabelle

    OH BB. This is just so cruel. I know nothing will make you feel better. You’re right that this is even more disappointing when you were (and we were all) anticipating a higher number of eggs. Go be very nice to yourself and Mr. BB better be very nice to you. I am hoping for some great results from those three. I am so sorry that it has turned out this way.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      So many empty is just so disheartening. I can’t see it ever working, I just want to give the whole thing up. The doctor said that some of the follicles looked more like fluid/blood filled sacs that grew around all my scar tissue which has never happened before either. Geez, my body just outdoes itself every time!! Hopefully these 3 will be mature. I hardly want to know… I want to bury my head in the sand!!

      Reply
  9. kiftsgate

    That sucks! So glad you were under general. It would have been a complete nightmare otherwise.. hope you can get some news before Wednesday. Way too much waiting! Big big hug lovely! My kitty is trying to type

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ahh, hello kitty!! I want her sooo bad. It’s a good job you’re in Paris really cos I’d be round all the time to play 😉 I’m going to try and sneaky call the lab against the rules today and see if they will tell me if the eggs were mature and how many fertilised. I feel like I need to have an idea what’s going on!

      Reply
  10. journeyformybaby

    That’s awful!! I have heard in some cases the dr is able to better retrieve the eggs through laparoscopy when there is so much endometriosis. That doesn’t sound fun, but if it yielded better results?….

    And why do you have to wait till wed to find out if your eggs were mature? They should have told you that post retrieval. That’s how it has been for me.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I actually signed the consent form for a laparoscopy just incase he needed to do it to retrieve the eggs. He managed to properly flush and drain everything though, just it was all mainly empty 😦 my ovaries are so damaged, although there are eggs in there it seems like they have a real hard time getting out.

      I know! Totally lame! I’m going to call them today anyway and see what they can tell me x

      Reply
      1. journeyformybaby

        Well that just sucks. Is the damage due to endometriosis? I have that and I wonder if that is why I have never had as many eggs as anticipated and why they have never all been mature or even of that great of quality.

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        Yeah, I have very severe endometriosis which has caused loads of adhesions and scar tissue. I’ve had two surgeries on my ovaries which were pretty extensive by all accounts which although treated the endo, caused scarring of it’s own. Bleugh. Can’t win. No way in hell would have gotten pg before the ops, but now my ovaries are in a right old state. Both my clinics reckon that my eggs should be good quality because of my age, they don’t seem to think endo would affect that, but it’s certainly had a huge impact on the quantity. I’m not so sure. Fecking endo 😦

      3. journeyformybaby

        I feel that it does cause quality problems. I had a lap done to remove some endo and felt fine for three months… at which time it came back like a bear!! I really hate it.

      4. barrenbetty Post author

        That’s my worry… Although they keep telling me I’m wrong. I could do without quality as well as quantity problems!! I hate it too, it’s a bitch 😦

  11. Julia

    That f-ing sucks. I am so sorry to hear about your results. I’ve been there (max meds got me only 2 embryos). It is so disappointing. Wish it was different for you.

    Reply
  12. myhopejar

    Oh hon! I’m so beyond frustrated for you! I seriously can’t believe this! And making you wait until Wed to find out how many are mature is bullshit! What the F is up with the lab?! There’s no reason you shouldn’t find out by tomorrow! Seriously, what the F?! I am praying so hard those 3 eggs are the best eggs ever and that they all fertilize. Come on universe! Get it together! Sending you a huge hug.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you!! It’s so frustrating that it has turned out so crap again… I really hope the three eggs are mature and fertilise. Urgh, this wait will be torture!! I’ve decided to try and call the lab today anyway against the rules to see if they can tell me anything. Fingers crossed!

      Reply
  13. Smile

    Oh honey. Fuck all of this and fuck it all again. I am so sorry. I am going to go see that bitch hope this evening and give her a big ass kick in the ovaries for you, she is such a cruel bitch. Please know that I am thinking about you.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yep 😦 I’m so scared for the fert report this time. Can’t believe I’m back here again wondering if I’ll even get to have a transfer 😦

      I’m SO SICK of this for the both of us. I could really go one of those yummy Robin Hood cocktails right now xxx

      Reply
      1. NotSoNewtoIVF

        Its such a pile of crap and I’m beyond angry at the universe. Seriously, the world can fuck off.

        It is ridiculous and rubbish that you live so far t’up north…you obviously made the decision to move there before you met me in the flesh!! 😉 any time you have an excuse to come to london I’d drop any plans in a flash for a million cocktails with you! x

  14. Positive Pants

    Sorry to read this. IVF is shit. I agree about being positive. Tried that. It doesn’t work. Let’s be negative, realistic and bitter together if that’s what we feel like. We can be or feel whatever the fuck we want and not have to feel guilty about not being positive. We’ve spent about $25000 just in the last year alone on this crapola. #overit I hope things get better for you. Xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      The money is gut wrenching when you’re getting nowhere. I am so over it too… I think I’m almost ready to draw a line under it all and give up. It’s ruining my life!! I don’t see the point in spending thousands and thousands when my ovaries keep coughing up 1 or 2 measly eggs each time. Total crappola. I very much hope things get better for you too xxx

      Reply

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