As predicted. Someone get me a drink?

Thank you for all the encouragement and well wishes ladies, but as I suspected a few days ago, this cycle is another bust.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I am too tired, too worn down, too defeated and too sad to think about it. The thought of starting a sixth… WTF?!!! A sixth cycle seems insane. Yes, to be fair, I’ve only actually finished 3 so maybe it will *only* (lol) turn out to be IVF number 4, but still, I’ve started 6. And those cancelled cycles were expensive, long and awful despite never going so far to yield eggs or embryos.

I just noticed I wrote half of those numbers as words and half as numbers. Sorry. Too defeated to edit.

I am aware that given the state of my insides and my lack of eggs time isn’t exactly something I can waste. Having said that, I am genuinely not sure I have the mental strength to do another cycle.

My main question for my WTF is… WTF. WTF is wrong with my ovaries that 14 follicles became 3 eggs. WTF is wrong with my eggs, because every single person I ask tells me they are GREAT YOU ARE ONLY 29/30/31, yet my last fertilisation rate was truly terrible. My embryos are either okay or good quality, but they don’t stick. And the one time it did it ended in a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks and the heartbeat stopped at 9. Really, seriously, WTF. Is it worth carrying on? I’m not so sure.

I don’t know what the point is anymore. What’s the point in trying again when it just fails? It’s so expensive. I stayed in my last job for years because I liked the people, but the work was easy and in no way challenging. I stayed so I could go back part time when I had babies. Haha. I’m only working part time and from home now because we moved and I didn’t think starting a new job and IVF exactly went hand in hand.

Now I’m starting to realise I won’t ever be a mother, and I don’t have a career to speak of either. What’s my life going to be like? It’s looking pretty awful from where I’m sat now.

I’m really tired of this all.

Someone bring me a drink.

BB xx


34 thoughts on “As predicted. Someone get me a drink?

    1. mylifeasacasestudy

      …and I’ve felt apathetic about everything but having a baby. So now…how do you reignite your passion for other things in life? At what point do you force yourself to want something else? I’m not inferring that you or I are done ttc, but I want to be happy with where I am NOW, and have no idea how to do that. *hugs* XOXO

  1. Jenn

    I have box wine and going to dad’s for shitty beer. You deserve all good things and the universe is failing you. She’s being a real cunt about it and pissing me the fuck off.

  2. Lauren

    I am so sorry, Betty. It’s shit and unfair and it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

    I don’t have multiple failed cycles under my belt, but the best piece of wisdom I received was to sit with all these terrible feelings before deciding the next step and declaring you’ll never be a mum. There are many paths to motherhood, and maybe you will choose one you never thought you’d have to… But right now you need to grieve this cycle, another massive loss.

    Big hugs and a big glass of your favourite drink xo

  3. GK

    I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say but I’m thinking of you and I have a bottle of wine with your name on it x

  4. kiftsgate

    what a massive amount of shit. I’m so sorry lovely. I really wish things had gone differently.. I have lots of alcohol for you (and for me). I wish I could bring it over… big big big hug!!! xx

  5. Bachelor's Button

    Oh Betty. It isn’t fair. My eggs are equally hopeless. But don’t give up on being a mum. There are sooo many ways to do it. A biological child is just one way. It’s the way, maybe, with the biggest drive for us – but we have just started on the adoption route, while another friend has just given birth to donor egg twins. There really are options. I’m not giving up on you having your own biological baby yet!!! But don’t rule out motherhood. Hxxx

  6. myivfstoryblog

    So so sorry. I can’t believe how much shit you’ve gone through. Sending you loads of love and the strength to make your next decision whatever it may be πŸ˜₯ xx

  7. pregnant in my forties

    I’m quite new to your story but following you on twitter and so very sorry. Contrary to my name I’m not yet pregnant either – I was just being optimistic. Don’t know much else to say as I know how bleak the future can look sometimes. But there are other options as an earlier commenter has said, don’t know if you feel ready to contemplate them. Hugs and wine xx

  8. Isabelle

    😦 I am so upset that you’re going through this. Totally unfair. I can understand why you’re tired. Sending you love and hugs. Bob said he’s very sorry.

  9. lucy50

    This is horrible bullshit. I don’t know the next steps for you. That answer will reveal itself in time. Until then, I think the world is super gross and unfair.

  10. rosiedd78

    So effing unfair. I am with you on the WTF questions. I don’t know if you’ll get an explanation, but I long for the day when I stop needing one. Hope you’re taking good care of yourself tonight and doing whatever feels/tastes good (that sounds dirty, but you know I’m referring to a massage/cake/wine). XO

  11. hopefulandhungry

    I’m so sorry, the not knowing has to be part of what makes these failed cycles so much worse. I wish I could be there to drink with you. Take time for yourself. I hope you will get answers…..xoxoxo

  12. Gio

    Sorry Betty. I’ve been there. But there are other options: donor eggs, adoption. In my lowest moments, I try to remember that I will be a mother, one way or another.

  13. NotSoNewtoIVF

    Oh my love I wish I had some words of encouragement or positivity. ..but you know me better than that πŸ˜‰ just know that I know EXACTLY how you feel. All of it, the whole sorry sack of shit and I hate this for both of us xx

  14. ivfbegins

    I just don’t know what to say Betty. But I wont offer words of encouragement just yet, embrace the sadness/anger for the moment as I believe that is the only way we can hope to come through it.
    I am just so so gutted for you. This is all so unfair and shit.

  15. Chelsie

    Have you tried DHEA? I was on it for 3 months, and went from 1 egg, to 5 excellent quality embryos in my latest IVF…

  16. Fox

    😦 This sucks. So so much. I’m so sorry these are the cards you’ve been dealt. Seems like Vegas would have better odds than this. And they have free drinks…

  17. Smile

    Oh honey. I wish I was still in the UK so I could hand deliver that drink (or a bottle) to you. This just fucking sucks, there are no other words for it. I am thinking about you and sending my love.

  18. Julia

    I’m sorry you are facing such tough choices. This sucks. I know a little bit about how you feel- I left my job 5 years ago and have had no success in beating this infertility bullshit either. Career? Nope. Mommy? Nope. I’m 0 for 2.

    Hang in there, it will get better after the initial suckiness of your recent bad news dissipates. I hope there is good news coming your way, and soon.

  19. bebeparler

    Lot of love out there for you BB. Me? 3 failed IUIs. 3 failed IVFs. 4th frozen embryo cycle (or 7th ART cycle in total) worked. I know how you feel. I’ve been to that particular hell. I’ve given up my career for this too. Thinking of you. Hope you got that drink. X

  20. Pingback: I Heart Barren Betty | the pursuit of motherhood

  21. lisaliteration

    Coming out of hiding a bit to say that I’m just so, so sorry. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel right now, but I know that after miscarriage #2, I felt such deep despair. I felt like my body just didn’t understand what to do, like I would never be a mother. I wish I could pour you alcohol until all those horrible thoughts left your mind. You’re already such a good mother–you’re just waiting for your babies. I know you’ll find your path to them. I just wish it were an easier path for all of us. ❀

  22. Pingback: Really bad news and also, goodbye Twitter | barrenbetty

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