Really bad news and also, goodbye Twitter

I am a BAD BLOGGER! What’s the point in having a blog when you don’t update it? Don’t bomb everyone’s inbox with all your terrible, pained moaning when things go wrong? Or your panic when things go well? Or answer any comments? (Of which I have had many. Many, many, many. Thank you all so much and also, sorry).

I think that paragraph has committed serious punctuation offences. Sorry again.

I’ve tentatively stuck my head back into blog land to find so many lovely messages after my post of (really quite unsurprising) doom. I also found that the amazing author Jessica Hepburn had written a blog post all about me! Little me! If you haven’t already read Jessica’s book, I have to say not only does she have, like, well good taste in bloggers, she also writes very good books.

In my absence I have been a busy bee, that is if all busy bees are either drunk or hungover 100% of the time. I have cried in a lot of places and on a lot of people. Sometimes extremely inappropriately. The best/worst episode was meeting my besties and their twin girls to say goodbye before they emigrate to Australia (why why why why why) and when they tried to take a picture of me (how dare they) I had a massive tantrum. Crying, feet stomping, I’M GOING HOME IF YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF ME GODDAMIT tantrum. Nice Betty, real normal.

Apart from spreading my mental around wherever I go and being drunk most of the time, I had my WTF yesterday. It was horrible. Really sad. Hero was sad. I was sad. Mr B was chirpy and asked all the questions I’d briefed him on. I don’t think I can bring myself to go into too much detail (you should thank me because I was in there nearly an hour. Gotta get your money’s worth, innit). Basically, my operations have left me with severely damaged ovaries and not much healthy ovarian tissue. They told me that the recent thinking is that endometriosis does not affect egg quality (also what my last clinic said. I am not so sure. I base all my knowledge on word of mouth so read into that what you will). However, they think that as I’ve had such extensive and invasive operations on my ovaries, the operations themselves have affected my egg quality. For example, they cut the ovaries, they open them, they use heat and lazers. I feel like I remember him saying something about electricity but maybe that was my imagination.
Whatever, it’s all bad for eggs.

Hero told me that if I want to, I can have another cycle. He said at a push, another two and then he would say there is no point in continuing. He said he doesn’t think my response will ever improve because of the state my ovaries are in. He said that the chances of IVF working with my own eggs is very small (although despite my pleading wouldn’t give me a percentage to focus all my grief on). He isn’t hopeful it will work, but can’t rule it out either. He said I really need to think about donor eggs or adoption.

With regards to IVF/ICSI they still think IVF is best because they can try to mature the eggs for longer that way. They said with ICSI they need to move more quickly and that isn’t good if my eggs aren’t very good quality and haven’t matured properly. ICSI also won’t work with immature eggs so they feel I have a higher risk of ending up with nothing that way. They said to leave it until the day, then make a call. If I have more eggs and want to go for it, they will try ICSI. If I only have 1-2, they still think IVF gives me a better chance of mature eggs and fertilisation.

I’ve decided to have another go. I have an order from the doctor to go on holiday first. I think he absorbed my mental vibes and as a result, won’t let me cycle again until September… “To let you heal, this is all very traumatic. Oh and err, your ovaries should heal too.”

If this next round is as miserable a failure as the last, I’m not sure what I want to do. Donor eggs and adoption are not something I want to pursue at the moment. Mr B’s plan is to have as much IVF as we can for the rest of this year and if it fails, give up on the idea of children and do “something radical”.

I’m going to keep taking supplements until I have my next cycle (any advice welcome, although I’ve talked it through and decided DHEA isn’t going to be something I’m going to take). I’m also going to have acupuncture.

I feel like I’ve agreed to give up my life for the rest of the year and go IVF crazy, but I don’t want to regret anything. My chances of conceiving naturally are less than 1%, and with my damaged tubes even if that miracle happened I would very likely have an ectopic pregnancy. Now I know that even my chances of IVF working are low. I don’t think it’s going to work, but I don’t want any regrets.

Oh god, I’ve bored myself. Are you all still awake? Shall I pour some cold water on your face? So much for not going into detail. Changes for the next cycle are norethisterone instead of the pill from day 21, Menopur (that is the only stim drug that actually resulted in a pregnancy for me) and progesterone injections. I won’t explain any of that incase you actually keel over and die from boredom in front of my very eyes.

Massive sad faces.

BB xx

P.s. I am for reasons I cannot be bothered to explain, closing my Twitter account. Farewell Twitter and good luck. Also, I have a real account that is mainly pictures of vegetables I am growing and my knitting and other important stuff. You are most welcome to follow me there if you have a “real” account too, but it is strictly no IVF chat. Me and IVF are OVAH.

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24 thoughts on “Really bad news and also, goodbye Twitter

  1. kiftsgate

    I’m so sorry BB. There are just no words to say how much this sucks. It’s so unfair!
    I would have chosen the no-regret strategy too. And with all the stories I heard about the “it was our last round, we were really not expecting it to work, we were going to give up and then….”; I really really hope that it’ll happen for you too..
    I think the best thing you can do is have an awesome holiday plan. I would say that’s even more important than supplements or whatever else. Something that can make you regain a bit of energy and happiness (I know, not easy right now..).
    On another note, I haven’t seen any knitting on your twitter. Please add some. And teach me!
    Big big hug lovely.

    Reply
  2. HB11

    I know that you will probably want to slap me for this, a week ago I would have slapped somebody like me. I had 4 IVFs, didn’t respond well, only had 1 egg fertilize each time and the dr told us to give up and our chance of having a biological child was also 1%. Adoption wasn’t a short term option, and donor not for me. We tried 7 years, have been diagnosed with eddo, male factor, pcos and had both tubes unblocked, so I was scared of ectopic. So out of utter desperation (my mum thought I needed to see somebody as I was going a bit nuts), DH and I did a detox (parasite cleanse, followed by juice detox, followed by liver cleanse). I downloaded shrink session (exercise to mantras – look up shrinksession.com – highly recommend it for those dark days), did the endo diet (cut down on gluten, sugar, soy, red meat, dairy – wasn’t strong enough to eliminate altogether), took NAC, silymarin, choline, colostrum, cinnamon bark, chaste berry, been pollen, royal jelly, flaxseed, digestive enzymes, L-cysteine, borage oil, individual magnesium, zinc, vit e, b, folic acid. dh was on the cleansing stuff from above list, selenium, magnesium, korean gingseng, sasparilla, zinc, vit e &c. I did pilates and ran, and self administered reflexology. You can see the desperation in this list. I was confirmed today as 5 weeks pregnant, and not ectopic. I am not going to say that any or all of this worked, it may have just been one of those things, and you will be thinking ‘good for you, it probably won’t work for me’ – and too right, I get it. I just want to share in case anything above can help you, after research of your own of course. Some may be best after IVF is done with…desperation takes you to some strange places. All the best of luck to you! Now you can go and slap a pillow…I would!

    Reply
  3. ivfbegins

    I’m so unbelievably sorry to read this post. I feel so angry at the universe for putting good people through this shit.
    A holiday is a fantastic idea, we went away in June for a week and it helped a lot more than I thought it would.
    Hugs, so many hugs xxxxxxxx

    Reply
  4. Jenn

    I already knew about this, so I won’t bother trying to come up with something hilarious. I mean.. it’s pretty obvious how funny I am without even trying. I shall catch you on the other side.

    Reply
  5. Kitten

    I’m so sorry. I wish I had better words of support and hope, but you’ve been through so much shit, I can’t even comprehend it. I’m sending you all the luck and good vibes I can find.

    Reply
  6. Steph Mignon

    Shitty news friend. Endo sucks the stinkiest hooker ass out there! Yet I haven’t given up hope for you. It ain’t over until it’s over, right? Enjoy your holiday and taking a much needed break from all this nonsense.

    Reply
  7. rceg91109

    I’m just so very sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I wish I did. I hope you have a truly wonderful holiday. Oh, and I know nearly all of us can empathize with the wanting to have no regrets thing, and we will support you no matter what you do going forward. That’s the crazy (and great) thing about bloggy friends. Feel free to go have more drinks now.

    Reply
  8. The infernal infertile

    Boo… And sucks to all that! There are no platitudes to give you that will make any difference… This must be such a low point for you. Good on you for giving it another go though… Before you look at any other options you need to be sure you’ve given it everything.

    You will be sorely missed on twitter… But I totally get it.

    Thinking of you xxx

    Reply
  9. lisaliteration

    No regrets is definitely the way to go. If you don’t already take it, which you probably do, coenzyme Q10 is thought to help improve egg quality, and I believe it improved my response on my 2nd IVF. I took 300 mg 2x per day (Doc rec’d 200 mg 3x per day, but I could only find 300 mg capsules). Lots of omega-3s too. Anyway, sister, take care of yourself, try to take each moment as it comes, and I will stay positive and hopeful for you.

    Reply
  10. summer2012

    Betty- i know yesterdays ordeal must have been a difficult decision and conversation to have. I am so glad you will pursue acupuncture, make sure you really feel good with the person and that you believe it will help you- becuase it will.. and start now.. get your body ready before Septembers cycle. All the best to you and keep on bloggin’ love your wittiness and charm- always makes me smile.

    Reply
  11. julieann081

    I wish I had some magical words that could make everything better. ❤ I'm sending lots and lots of hugs your way!

    Reply
  12. Lauren

    Betty, love, I am so sorry to hear this news. It’s a real fucking blow.

    If I may, I’d like to share with you my experience. I used to think donor eggs would be a death sentence. That I had failed as a woman. That it would be someone else’s baby. It’s not without its challenges, and it’s not a decision for everyone. But I am so happy I did it. There is no doubt that I am this baby’s mother! If you ever consider it please know I would be happy to talk to you about it (you have my email and other Twitter acct). Nothing is too tmi with me, you can ask anything you like, no matter how difficult.

    The best advice I received when I Iearned that IVF wasn’t a viable option for me was this: sit with all the options (DEIVF, adoption, child-free living) for a while before trying them on for size. That way you’ll know which one suits you best.

    I wish you much love and luck with the next cycle and with whatever happens thereafter. Xoxoxo

    Reply
  13. Robin

    What’s your real twitter account? I’m twitter.com/robindecato . I’d love to keep in touch. My husband is growing a lot of herbs and stuff around the house. Perhaps we can exchange tips. 🙂 Hugs!!

    Reply
  14. myhopejar

    Oh hon. I’m so so sorry. I admire your strength to keep going. Sending you the biggest hug I have ❤

    Reply
  15. mylifeasacasestudy

    Oh hell Betty, there’s nothing good to say about the core of this post. I’ll be here to support you as the story unfolds–hoping you get the ending your heart desires. In other news, did you receive my email about dicks? I sent you a plethora of “it looks like a penis” photos in a link. XOXO

    Reply
  16. hollye7916

    Ugh.. there are no words. I’m so sorry Betty. I wish you success, even if the odds are slim. We’ll miss you on twitter, but I totally understand.

    Reply
  17. A Calm Persistence

    I’ll totally miss you on Twitter too, but I’ll follow along on your blog. I wish things were different for you. You don’t deserve any of this at all. It just breaks my heart that good people get shit on all the time. 😦

    Reply
  18. Haisla

    So, so sorry that you are having to go through all this. The pain is palpable in your post.

    If you really want to ‘go IVF crazy’, you may want to check out Rebecca Fett’s ‘It Starts With The Egg’ (if you haven’t already. I hope Jessah from Dreaming of Dimples won’t mind me referencing her blog post like this: http://www.dreamingofdimples.com/2014/03/how-to-improve-ivf-success-free-download.html). Jessah had added a link via which it was possible to access the book free of charge (although this offer has now expired, the book can be purchased on A.mazon for mere £4.11 as a K.indle edition). It’s basically a book that outlines the latest scientific research studies on how to improve your egg quality in preparation for IVF. Some of the advice is pretty hardcore, but if you’re looking for the ‘no regrets’ approach, this may be of help! Also keeps the mind duly occupied, whilst waiting for the next round.. Much strength and peace to you.xx

    Reply

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