I am a BAD BLOGGER! What’s the point in having a blog when you don’t update it? Don’t bomb everyone’s inbox with all your terrible, pained moaning when things go wrong? Or your panic when things go well? Or answer any comments? (Of which I have had many. Many, many, many. Thank you all so much and also, sorry).
I think that paragraph has committed serious punctuation offences. Sorry again.
I’ve tentatively stuck my head back into blog land to find so many lovely messages after my post of (really quite unsurprising) doom. I also found that the amazing author Jessica Hepburn had written a blog post all about me! Little me! If you haven’t already read Jessica’s book, I have to say not only does she have, like, well good taste in bloggers, she also writes very good books.
In my absence I have been a busy bee, that is if all busy bees are either drunk or hungover 100% of the time. I have cried in a lot of places and on a lot of people. Sometimes extremely inappropriately. The best/worst episode was meeting my besties and their twin girls to say goodbye before they emigrate to Australia (why why why why why) and when they tried to take a picture of me (how dare they) I had a massive tantrum. Crying, feet stomping, I’M GOING HOME IF YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF ME GODDAMIT tantrum. Nice Betty, real normal.
Apart from spreading my mental around wherever I go and being drunk most of the time, I had my WTF yesterday. It was horrible. Really sad. Hero was sad. I was sad. Mr B was chirpy and asked all the questions I’d briefed him on. I don’t think I can bring myself to go into too much detail (you should thank me because I was in there nearly an hour. Gotta get your money’s worth, innit). Basically, my operations have left me with severely damaged ovaries and not much healthy ovarian tissue. They told me that the recent thinking is that endometriosis does not affect egg quality (also what my last clinic said. I am not so sure. I base all my knowledge on word of mouth so read into that what you will). However, they think that as I’ve had such extensive and invasive operations on my ovaries, the operations themselves have affected my egg quality. For example, they cut the ovaries, they open them, they use heat and lazers. I feel like I remember him saying something about electricity but maybe that was my imagination.
Whatever, it’s all bad for eggs.
Hero told me that if I want to, I can have another cycle. He said at a push, another two and then he would say there is no point in continuing. He said he doesn’t think my response will ever improve because of the state my ovaries are in. He said that the chances of IVF working with my own eggs is very small (although despite my pleading wouldn’t give me a percentage to focus all my grief on). He isn’t hopeful it will work, but can’t rule it out either. He said I really need to think about donor eggs or adoption.
With regards to IVF/ICSI they still think IVF is best because they can try to mature the eggs for longer that way. They said with ICSI they need to move more quickly and that isn’t good if my eggs aren’t very good quality and haven’t matured properly. ICSI also won’t work with immature eggs so they feel I have a higher risk of ending up with nothing that way. They said to leave it until the day, then make a call. If I have more eggs and want to go for it, they will try ICSI. If I only have 1-2, they still think IVF gives me a better chance of mature eggs and fertilisation.
I’ve decided to have another go. I have an order from the doctor to go on holiday first. I think he absorbed my mental vibes and as a result, won’t let me cycle again until September… “To let you heal, this is all very traumatic. Oh and err, your ovaries should heal too.”
If this next round is as miserable a failure as the last, I’m not sure what I want to do. Donor eggs and adoption are not something I want to pursue at the moment. Mr B’s plan is to have as much IVF as we can for the rest of this year and if it fails, give up on the idea of children and do “something radical”.
I’m going to keep taking supplements until I have my next cycle (any advice welcome, although I’ve talked it through and decided DHEA isn’t going to be something I’m going to take). I’m also going to have acupuncture.
I feel like I’ve agreed to give up my life for the rest of the year and go IVF crazy, but I don’t want to regret anything. My chances of conceiving naturally are less than 1%, and with my damaged tubes even if that miracle happened I would very likely have an ectopic pregnancy. Now I know that even my chances of IVF working are low. I don’t think it’s going to work, but I don’t want any regrets.
Oh god, I’ve bored myself. Are you all still awake? Shall I pour some cold water on your face? So much for not going into detail. Changes for the next cycle are norethisterone instead of the pill from day 21, Menopur (that is the only stim drug that actually resulted in a pregnancy for me) and progesterone injections. I won’t explain any of that incase you actually keel over and die from boredom in front of my very eyes.
Massive sad faces.
P.s. I am for reasons I cannot be bothered to explain, closing my Twitter account. Farewell Twitter and good luck. Also, I have a real account that is mainly pictures of vegetables I am growing and my knitting and other important stuff. You are most welcome to follow me there if you have a “real” account too, but it is strictly no IVF chat. Me and IVF are OVAH.