Mutant ladybirds

I looked in the mirror this weekend and stared into the face of misery. Do you know what misery looks like? I do. She looks like a fat, pale, unkempt 31 year old woman. I do not wish to continue seeing this unhealthy, tired fatso every time I look in the mirror and therefore my mission back to exercise and good health has begun.

A casual observer would think that I made a good start. I power walked 5 miles and I swam for 45 minutes on Monday. I ate healthy food. I washed my hair.

Let me go back to the beginning.

I set off on my power walk to the pool. Unfortunately for me, I was wearing trousers and a fitted, three quarter length sleeve t-shirt. That was unfortunate because outside it was hotter than the sun. I persevered marching through the countryside (needed a small break when a ladybird flew down my T-shirt and BIT ME. What the hell?! Is this some kind of mutant ladybird?).

I reached the pool a sweaty mess, savaged by ladybirds. The receptionist let me in for 40p less than usual because he thought I was a student. Small victory. I did my usual and got changed in a mother and baby cubicle because the normal cubicles are TINY and it is like trying to get changed in a shoe box (ie, physically impossible). My usual locker was free (28) which cheered me as it usually does. I went and showered (caught a rather nasty glimpse of Misery in a full length mirror on the way that was most unappreciated), and then I climbed into the pool.

I love swimming, really love it. I took a deep breath and breathed in the sweet chlorine, put my goggles on and set off.

I am free! The beautiful cool water washing away my troubles. I am a mermaid! I am at one with the water, speeding along. My muscles are stretching, this feels wonderfu….. Eh. Wait. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong.

I don’t feel right. I reach the end of the pool and glance around. Nobody is really paying me any attention. I casually (as casual as one can be under the circumstances) put my hands in the water and feel my breasts under my swimming costume.

I have left my bra on.

I could have died from embarrassment, or more likely stupidity, but I gathered myself, swam out and smartly walked back to the changing rooms to rectify the problem.

After the swim I was (obviously) forced to walk home bra-less and (obviously) since it is England and blue skies and sunshine one minute don’t mean shit, it poured down on the way home. Can anybody say wet T-shirt competition?

Anyway, I made it back. I got changed. I found two spiders in my hair.

That was my Monday. How was yours?

BB xx

*it has been pointed out to me that ladybirds are not actually a thing in America. For some reason, you call them ladybugs. That is probably why they got pissed off and bit me (happened again yesterday, damned ladybugbirds).


25 thoughts on “Mutant ladybirds

      1. barrenbetty Post author

        Ah. I never thought of the language barrier!! Ladybird seems like a pretty weird name for a tiny little bug now I’m thinking about it.

  1. redbluebird

    For a second I thought an actual bird flew down your shirt and bit you, but I smartened up and Googled it.
    I’m sorry the weather was such a bitch to you. But good for you for swimming! I could use some exercise.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ah yes, I didn’t realise ladybirds don’t exist in America. Imagine if an actual bird flew down your top and bit you… That really would be weird!!!

  2. kiftsgate

    I read this at 4AM and my husband wasn’t impressed with me laughing in the middle of the night…
    Sorry you had a crappy day. It’ll get better and you should be proud of yourself for the efforts you are making. Not easy to fight the desire to just sit on the couch and eat buckets of icecream..
    I hope the insects and the weather will give you a break, love!

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha. Sorry husband (not really!! :x) Honestly, since that fateful day I have been bitten by ANOTHER freaking ladybird and had another spider in my hair ALL DAY that no matter how many times I removed, somehow managed to get back in.

      I’m making exercise effort, but balancing it out with too much wine and ice cream… Oops.

  3. iwishiwasaunicorn

    Reminds me of the day I was at a bus stop eating a waterproof jacket & 3 tiny spiders in a row abseiled down from the front of my hood. When the bus finally came I did not care wh at people thought. I took every top layer of clothing off and inspected it inside and out, then looked down my t-shirt into my bra, then held my head upside down and. Shook my head for ages. Walked home from the bus stop in the rain without the jacket and literally ran crying to the shower.

    1. hollye7916

      Other than the fact that I was in tears already Imagining Betty swimming with her bra on.. the thought of driving by a lady chowing down on a jacket at a bus stop has me unable to breathe… Thank you to both of you for brightening my day!

    2. barrenbetty Post author

      Ahahaha. I feel your pain. If I hadn’t been able to extract the demon ladybugbird, I would have stripped off too. I haven’t found anymore spiders in my hair this week, so I think I must have washed the nest out. The only bug related incident I had today was two butterflies got trapped in our bathroom… One has died and I swear that the other one is eating it. Oh, and I found a slug the size of a hamster at my allotment.

  4. myhopejar

    What a day! I’m laughing with and cheering for you at the same time! After just one of those things, most people would have given up and went straight home, but you persevered and lived to tell the tale 🙂 Love you girl ❤

  5. The infernal infertile

    I think you hot off lightly. A friend of mine arrived at work at the same time as a whole lot of her colleagues. As she was the first one to the door she reached in to her bag and pulled out the lanyard that had her swipe card on it… Except it wasn’t her lanyard at all… It was the bra she’d taken off on the way home the night before. So she’s standing there with a bra in her hand and a whole team of her colleagues staring open-mouthed in horror. Cue awkward laugh and hurried search for actual lanyard!

    People swim in bras all the time… Sure they’re usually about 97 and senile, but it’s not something most people wouldn’t have seen before!

    Great to see you back BB xxx

    P.s. We call them lady birds too… But I didn’t know they could bite!


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