Red

Red used to be my favourite colour. 8 years ago today my bridesmaids wore dark red/maroon dresses and I had red flowers.

Now I hate the colour red.

I especially hate it when it’s heavy, full of clots and coming out of me when I am 7.5 weeks pregnant. Happy anniversary, Betty.

I know. I know, I know, I know people can bleed in early pregnancy and everything is fine. It’s also exactly what a miscarriage looks like. At least it is when it’s heavy like the bleeding I’ve had.

My scan is tomorrow but I’m not feeling particularly optimistic anymore. I don’t feel pregnant at all either. I know it’s early, but I wouldn’t mind a little reassurance from some part of my body.

The bleeding has eased now. I’ve actually been bleeding for days, but that was only very lightly and I put it down to irritation from the pessaries. This heavy bleeding was most definitely not that. I think the heavy bleeding has stopped, at least for now.

I was wishing Wednesday would hurry up, but now I sort of don’t want it to happen.

I hate red.

BB xx

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85 thoughts on “Red

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks lovely xx it’s made me anxious. It was just so so much :/ I’m thankful it’s stopped for now though. I’m going to rest and try and keep calm… no point freaking out too much until I know what’s going on x

      Reply
  1. A Calm Persistence

    WHY CAN’T ANYTHING EVER BE EASY FOR YOU?!?! I’m so mad you can’t just have an easy pregnancy after all the crap you’ve already been through.. I’m hoping everything is okay and I’ll be thinking about you!! Sending so much love and hopefully a bit of strength too.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I know, FFS! I was a mess when I realised and sobbed for about 30 minutes and spoke to my clinic but since then I’ve been quite calm… nothing I can do about it. I hope it’s not a miscarriage but I don’t think it’s looking good tbh. I’m sure I’ll be a nervous wreck before my scan tomorrow but until then I’m just going to try and stay calm and not worry about things I have no control over. It was so much and so alarming…. Urgh, why does this have to happen xx

      Reply
  2. Emz

    I had this too. Hours of ugly sobbing and feeling miserable. Days of worry before the scan. Still had a heart beat. Hope it’s the same for you and an easy ride from here on out!

    Reply
  3. iwishiwasaunicorn

    What a tough time for you. I’m hoping so much this will turn out to be a reassuring anecdote you tell other pregnant ladies about how you had a scare, but everything turned out alright.
    I can only share my own experience of bleeding at 8 wks and going on to have a healthy baby (19 yrs ago!), but even recently, a few of my friends had the same thing.
    I know everyone is different and you’ll have a battle in your mind between hope and fear, but just know that every single one of your readers are praying or sending or most very positive thoughts your way that tomorrow will be happy.
    We love you ❤

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you very much! I have heard quite a few stories of heavy bleeding turning out okay… I hope that’s the case tomorrow. I’m not exactly renowned for having luck on my side!! I feel a bit more hopeful since it’s eased up but who knows. I had a miscarriage before with no bleeding whatsoever. I’m not sure it’s possible to second guess is it?!

      Reply
  4. Smile

    Oh honey, fuck all of this. I’m hoping that time fasts forwards to the scan tomorrow and that you get great news and it’s just an SCH or something totally benign and explainable. Thinking of you.

    Reply
  5. Pregnant in my forties - hopefully!

    Fuck’s sake.
    Have been thinking of you and hoping all was well. Now really hoping that this is going to turn out to be just what happened to my friend who also had Niagara Falls bleeding and thought it was all over, and when they scanned her baby was still there, merrily oblivious to the whole palaver and is now a chirpy six-year-old.
    You’ll be in my thoughts tomorrow. What times your scan? I have WTF appt on same day. Just all such a big barrel of laughs isn’t it xxx

    Reply
      1. pregnant in my forties - hopefully

        3pm??? Ages to wait!! Think I’d get there about 11 am and sit in the waiting room with a flask, sandwiches and glazed eyes freaking other patients out and looking eagerly at every nurse who walks past so they take pity and get you in early…
        The wtf 2014 extravaganza is due to start at 2, and will probably end at 2.10 with us both walking out saying thank you very much then getting into the car and then remembering everything we wish we had said or asked. That’s what we usually do anyway, I suppose I need to do some focused thinking ready for intelligent questions so we can stretch it to 2.15. Betty, I might even do an eff’ing LIST in your honour!!!
        Right behind you tomorrow hon xxxx (although not literally, it would be weird and probably an invasion of your privacy)

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        List! List! My last wtf lasted over an hour… get your money’s worth!!! I literally had 2 full sides of a4. Were you on max dose stims? I had letrozole as an added boost during my last 3 cycles as well x

  6. hopingonhope

    That it has stopped is a wonderful sign. It will be a SCH and you will be advises bed rest , thats all. If its the worst then its also accompanied by mighty cramps that take your breath away!! For now keep your hips rested and avoid any activity including stairs. Just sit on the couch and think happy thoughts.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yes, I’m very happy it stopped!!! Although I would have been much happier not to have had it in the first place. Don’t worry, I’m an expert at sitting on the couch 😉

      Reply
  7. redbluebird

    I wish this could just be easy for you. After all you’ve been through this should just be a textbook pregnancy. You deserve that. Hoping strongly that this little one is a fighter and keeps cozy in there. xx

    Reply
  8. mevsinfertility

    Sending lots of hopeful and positive thoughts your way! I had unexplained bleeding at 12 and 13 weeks and it sucked and was utterly terrifying. So unfair that you have to go through this. I’m glad it has stopped and I so hope you get reassuring news tomorrow!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      No. We’ve been away in the middle of nowhere… great timing!! We only just got back and our clinic is MILES away. I suppose whatever the news having the scan today or tomorrow would make no difference… Urgh I don’t wanna know :/ xxx

      Reply
  9. kiftsgate

    Oh my BB, I don’t even know what to say, except that this sucks and you deserve peace and relaxing colours, like light blue or lilac. Not red! Less than 24hh to scan now! They better be extremely punctual tomorrow… Thinking of you and hoping so much that your little embryo is still there and doing well. xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yes, blue and lilac are JUST FINE. Stupid red. Oh man, I just know they will be running late. Hopefully not an hour and a half late like they are sometimes!!!!

      Reply
      1. kiftsgate

        They are lucky you are not Italian.. I would yell tomorrow if they had me wait more than 5 minutes (ok, maybe 10). And I’m calm for an Italian…

      2. kiftsgate

        haah would love to. I’m a wee bit far though.. It’ll all be easier once our plans to move in together come into place 😉
        I’ll yell for you and you’ll cook for me! Love this deal! 😀

  10. ecutri

    ugh, I don’t like this post one bit. I’m praying that you and baby are just fine.

    I know it doesn’t ease any anxieties but I had a lot of bleeding from week 6-8 because of the pessaries…they actually switched my medication because of it. I went in for an emergency scan the next day freaking out and everything was fine, they saw nothing abnormal on the screen and said it was the medication causing a lot of irritation. I am praying this is the case with you as well and that you have amazing news for us tomorrow. <333

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Urgh, bleeding is horrid. Was it a lot? I’m sure I’ve been bleeding from the pessaries too for the last week or so, but this bleed was different… just so so heavy and clots. I decided it seemed too much like lining coming away to be pessaries :/ I don’t think I’ll sleep a wink tonight. I’m trying to keep hopeful but it’s hard xxx

      Reply
      1. ecutri

        mine was just blood…sometimes a lot sometimes nothing…it fixed itself very shortly after changing medications. The “chunks” that came out was all medicine and it was just plain nasty – black, brown, globby gross…I couldn’t tell if there was any clots with it but I assume that it was just the medicine. I know how hard it is to stay hopeful, I had all sorts of horrid thoughts running through my mind as well and I didn’t sleep the night before my emergency u/s. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that this is just all stupid medication nonsense!

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        It’s all so grim isn’t it. Thanks for letting me know… It’s helpful to hear I’m not the only one having dramatic scary bleeds! Roll on tomorrow :/ xxx

  11. EmilyMaine

    Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m with you all the way. I’ve just started bleeding too pre my beta for IVF 1 and today, I freaking hate red too. 😦 Sends you lots of good luck. Strange things do happen with pregnancies sometimes, you never know.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh no I’m so sorry. I bled extremely early during my last two cycles (9 days after my egg collection… ridiculous). It’s so hard when your hope starts to fade at the end of a cycle. Take care x

      Reply
      1. EmilyMaine

        Good to know it happened to someone else, not just me (sorry, wouldn’t wish this on anyone). I’ve been asking around and everyone is “nope, that didn’t happen to me” so it makes it a little better when I’m not the only one. Makes it feel more normal.

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        I know other people who have started bleeding before their test day so you aren’t alone. I asked for extra luteal phase support for this cycle after the last two ones ended so early and I had hCG boosters for three weeks post transfer. I wanted progesterone injections but they said no! Who knows if it helped but I thought I’d let you know x

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks Jessica. I was devastated for a while, but a little bit of hope has snuck back in again tonight. I don’t know what’s worse really! I’m looking forward to getting tomorrow over with x

      Reply
  12. Elizabeth

    Maybe I’ll fly to the UK and gnash my teeth with you. I truly, deeply hope the scan tomorrow shows good things!

    Reply
  13. amh! omg!

    I had several incidents of bleeding in the first 14 weeks. I’ll never forget the shock of wiping and seeing bright red blood there. It was chilling and I was ready to just throw the towel in. Turns out as I had a bicornuate uterus, the other half of my womb didn’t know I was pregnant so just decided to bleed – I know v weird!!. At the time I remember googling it and people having really bad bleeds and all being well. I really hope you get to see a heartbeat tomorrow after all you’ve been through. Hugs xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh wow! Bodies can do really strange things!! I’ve had many people have a good old rummage around in my uterus and I think it’s retroverted but otherwise a standard shape… not that it’s done me any good whatsoever so far! I’m hoping it’s one of those things but it’s so hard not to freak out. Wish I just knew what was going on in there already x

      Reply
      1. journeyformybaby

        I’m glad it’s stopped. That seems like a good sign to me. I sincerely hope you never have to face that sadness again. Best wishes for your scan tomorrow. You and baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. myhopejar

    I am praying so hard for you and your little one that everything looks good tomorrow. I know this probably won’t make your fears go away, but my SIL bled heavily with clots all through her first trimester and her baby is now 6 months old and perfect. I really hope this is the same for you. Sending you strength and love. Hugs hon.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I’ve heard a few stories like that, thanks x It’s scary bleeding so much but now it’s stopped I’ve got a little bit of hope back. I just don’t want to go today now. I wish I could fast forward until it’s all over x

      Reply
  15. mumofone

    Oh Betty. I am so sorry this is happening.
    Like all the other girls I am hoping that the bleeding is just one of the many causes of bleeding that occur in pregnancy that do not compromise little bb.
    Crossed fingers and hearts for today.

    Reply
  16. airwolfgirl

    FFS! I’ve been thinking of you and thought no news was good news 😦
    I’m so, so sorry to hear this and am hoping you are at your scan now and being told good news! Thinking of you and sending you all my positive thoughts. Wish there was something I could do to make it better xx

    Reply
  17. hopefulandhungry

    Oh, I’m so sorry that you are having this scare. I hope everything is just fine, I also had bleeding with my pregnancy, happened about 8 weeks and lasted for about 2 days. A friend of mine had severe hemorrhaging and went on to have healthy twin girls. Are you on any blood thinners? Keeping you on my mind. xoxo

    Reply
  18. L squared

    I bled heavy red blood for the first 8-10 weeks after my IVF pregnancy…. it turned out to be a haematoma and it resolved but holy hell was I stressed out about. I know this won’t make you feel better but I just thought I would let you know about my experience. I read your blog all the time but rarely comment. You are in my thoughts every day! xx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It’s so scary isn’t it!! I had my scan and that is exactly what it was – a haematoma. She seemed to think it had done it’s business and come away so I’m hoping that’s the last I will see of it. Scared the crap out of me! I’m glad yours turned okay okay in the end too x

      Reply
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