Fat rainbow

On the way to my appointment this afternoon there was a huge rainbow over the hospital as we drove down the road. Mr B described it as “the fattest” rainbow he had ever seen. He was right, it was fat.

I was very nervous on the drive over. Cramps + heavy bleeding + no pregnancy symptoms does not a calm infertile make. I was having a poignant moment as we drove up to the clinic with my fat rainbow when Mr B pointed at the hospital. Just to note, our hospital looks like the hospital from Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. You’ve probably never seen that, but it looks bad. Gloomy. Sinister. Anyway, it’s been repainted and has colourful new cladding. Mr B’s analysis: “Well fancy that, turns out you can polish a turd.” Poignant moment ruined, thanks Mr B.

We were 20 minutes early and they were running 40 minutes late. That did not a calm infertile make either. Do you ever feel like your heart is beating so hard your whole body is shaking?

I shall cut to the chase. They could see clearly where my massive bleed had come from. They could see a vast expansive of free flowing fluid and a huge cyst which explained all the pain I was having. And praise God, they could see 14 beautiful millimetres of my little bb embryo. They could see a strong beating heart (I couldn’t because I forgot my glasses). Measuring perfectly for 7w5d, I have been discharged from the IVF clinic into the big wide world.

At the start of this cycle I joked that the theme tune was Skinny Love by Birdy because it had been played almost every single time I was at the clinic. As I buzzed the buzzer for the last time to escape (hopefully forever), what came on? Yep, Skinny Love. Lolz.

BB xx

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106 thoughts on “Fat rainbow

  1. ecutri

    AHHH!!! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!!! I had the best feeling you were just having an overly dramatic IVF cycle that likes to play tricks on you just like I did. I swear all my negative cycles went smoothly and this one anything that could go wrong DID…

    I am shaking and so freaking excited for you! Don’t mind me….I’ve been waiting for this good news practically all day from you! πŸ™‚

    <333 XX

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha, thanks!! I had such awful cramps all day I was a horrible mixture of nerves, hopes and terror in the waiting room. My hands are still shaking hours later! Feel like I need to lie down for a week. You’re like me… my last pregnancy seemed perfect and I had no bleeding, severe morning sickness aaaand a miscarriage. I know I’ve still got a long way to go but I’m so happy it’s all looking good so far xxx ❀

      Reply
  2. Elizabeth

    Yay for solid explanations for the bleeding. Bigger yay for a baby perfectly on target with a beautiful beating heart. Very happy for you!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yes, I was relieved to know they could see where it came from… one less thing to worry about. And thanks! It’s felt like a long 4+ years to get here. It still seems unreal but I’m so glad to have been discharged! xx

      Reply
  3. rceg91109

    Ok, blinking back the tears here! I’ve been pulling for you and couldn’t wait to get an update from you today. I was so worried after yesterday’s post, but I can’t even put in words how thrilled I am for you at this news now! A HEARTBEAT!!!!! OMG!! But wait, so what exactly is the deal with this cyst? Why was it so huge, and bleeding so much? Clearly everything is ok, which is the most important part, but I don’t get it. But…. A HEARTBEAT!!!!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww, thank you πŸ™‚ I was finding it hard to keep hopeful after such dramatic bleeding so I’m feeling mighty relieved tonight! The cyst wasn’t bleeding, but it’s caused me a lot of pain as has the collection of fluid. The bleed looks like it’s finished apparently so fingers crossed I’ve seen the last of that x

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      They think the fluid will stay and keep causing me pain :/ that didn’t cause the bleed though, the bleed was just above the embryo but she said it had probably finished now so fingers crossed there will be no more red tsunamis for me to freak out about! xx

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh that’s exciting! I’m booking another scan for 9w5d since my last pg stopped at 9 weeks… I hope that will help alleviate some of my worrying! I hope the ear is improving 😦 xxx

      Reply
      1. thebarrenlibrarian

        It seems better today, though still painful. I’m taking any improvement as a good sign though.

        My next one is 9w2d, so we’ll be getting our scans within a day of each other! Here’s hoping for good news on both fronts πŸ™‚

      2. barrenbetty Post author

        Earache is honestly one of the things I hate most in the world! I really feel for you.

        Oh that’s exciting you have another scan soon. If it looks okay for me at that scan I think I’ll relax a bit. It still doesn’t feel very real today xx

      3. thebarrenlibrarian

        I relaxed some after the first one, but I’m still on high alert of how early it is, and how much time there is for something horrible to happen. Wish it didn’t have to be that way. Honestly, morning sickness has taken my mind off of it a lot. I have to spend a lot of time thinking about staying vertical and not napping under my desk.

        Ugh. I hate it too. My GP said after the baby comes they might want to put tubes in my ears. Or at least the left one. I really don’t get infections in the right one. Weird.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Aww thank you. I know it’s a long way to go still but I’m so happy it looks good for now. The scan looked better than my other early viability scans so I feel less worried. Going to book another scan for a couple of weeks to keep me going! xx

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Eek, thank you my friend! I so hope this pregnancy works out. I can’t believe I’ve really been discharged!! I’m a Lone Ranger now. No idea about my next appointment… I need to call my doctor tomorrow x

      Reply
  4. Bob Dobb

    Aww BB, I am so unbelievably chuffed for you (I feel like I know you, yet we haven’t met). Am going to Google Skinny Love right this sec! x

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It’s a very depressing tune! I know all the words now thanks to hearing it around 1000 times in the waiting room. Made me laugh so much hearing it on my way out!!

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I am going to reply to your email asap… sorry, I’ve been out all day! I hope things are still going well. Fingers crossed for tomorrow xxx

      Reply
  5. lisaliteration

    Oh, thank GOODNESS! HANG IN THERE BB!!! Okay now barrenbetty’s body, time to take it easy on the scare tactics. Nobody thinks that shit is funny, and it’s like a week past Halloween anyway. Hoping for smooth sailing from here on out!

    Reply
      1. barrenbetty Post author

        Haha, not quite! Although I am very happy still! I keep meaning to blog but my husband and I have had almost 2 weeks off work and I keep running out of time. My miscarriage last time ended at 9 weeks and I am 9 weeks tomorrow so I have booked a sneaky scan for next week to check all is still going well in there. It’s all very surreal making appointments with the midwife and being treated as a “normal” pregnant person. I’m happy to be, obviously, but I do want to shout at them all that I’m NOT normal, I’m special, wrap me up in cotton wool goddamit! How are you? x

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you my friend. I can’t really believe it after all these years, operations and cycles! I’m just catching up on blogs… going to read about your WTF now x

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      πŸ˜€ I need this one to stick properly this time now!!! Definitely going to book myself an interim private scan in a couple of weeks time to keep me going x

      Reply
      1. barrenbetty Post author

        Yep… I will very probably never be pregnant again so I am determined to try and stay hopeful and happy and enjoy this pregnancy. Hopefully for many more months! I’ve booked the scan for 9w3d so after the point at which my last pregnancy stopped. I’m going to budget for a few extra scans if I want them. Might as well if it helps keep me calm!

      2. eli

        I fully endorse that decision. I got to hear the heartbeat again at my last appointment, and I feel it increased my sanity by approximately 90%.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Oh god! That made me laugh!! I know it’s still very early but I’m so thankful to have reached this milestone. I might sleep for a week now to recover from the stress!

      Reply
      1. barrenbetty Post author

        I’ve been such a pig recently. Nothing to do with pregnancy… I think I just comfort eat when I’m worried!!!

        P.s. Just bought a tin of quality streets, no worries.

    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you my friend πŸ™‚ I’m so grateful that it all seems to be going okay so far. I meant to tell you, your recent post has inspired me to get off my arse and start being crafty again. I’ve just bought myself a new sewing machine! And I’m over half way through a rag rug I started earlier this summer! x

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      No there isn’t anything they can do about the cyst or the fluid. I think they will just monitor it. It shouldn’t cause any problems apart from causing me pain… Hopefully it should shrink on it’s own x

      Reply
  6. mylifeasacasestudy

    Betty–Good grief that was dramatic! Sadly, calming our nerves/celebrating with wine is out of the question. So I raise my starbucks half caf-soy-peppermint mocha and salute you and your little bb. God bless you! XOXO

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      I could have downed a bottle on Monday after all the bleeding! As it was I had a glass of ginger beer and an early night, haha. I am hoping all the dramas are over now… Everything can be straight forward from now on please!

      Reply
  7. kiftsgate

    Yey for mini B!!! So glad all is well! Yey also for a fat rainbow. I hope it’s a sign that all will go well from now on. I say it’s not bad to walk out of the IVF clinic (hopefully for the very last time!) with Birdy say that she told you to be patient.. you probably felt like slapping her but better a singer than one of the nurses or doctors..
    Big hug BB! xx
    PS: I know I know I said I was going to sleep. I am now. Thanks again! x

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      You’re right! Birdy did have some wise words for me after all! I am having so much trouble sleeping at the moment. I’m knackered, but so much is racing through my mind all the time I can’t switch off!!

      Reply
  8. Smile

    I have been in meetings all day, and when I snuck a glance to see your update I literally yelled YES out loud. People thought/think I am crazy, but I am so, so, so very happy to see this. Completely makes my day and am now sending all my love for the next scan in two weeks. Yay for fat rainbows!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Haha, thanks! I was so relieved when she said the words “I can see a heartbeat!”… I think mine might have stopped for a few seconds!!! I’m going to book my next scan for 9w3d so a week on Monday. I’m so hoping it all looks okay then. Might allow myself to relax a tiny bit if it is…

      Reply
  9. AndiePants

    way to bury the lede! That said, I’m hella happy that you are released and the little stowaway has a happily beating heart! hooray!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! It feels very surreal. I saw my GP today and she said I’m a normal pregnant person from now on, and I was like NO I’M SPECIAL, WRAP ME UP IN COTTON WOOL AND HOLD MY HAND!

      Reply
  10. Fertility Doll

    I’m all about the rainbows and unicorns but you know that already. Sorry my replies are late – got in late tonight. So damn happy that today was good news and I will do cartwheels when you pass the next scan and then your first trimester. C’mon bb.. we’re counting in you x

    Reply
  11. Kriste

    I’ve been reading for a while now and found you from Pinterest. I just had to say that I am incredibly happy for you. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth sailing. Congratulations, you give me hope that this long infertile road doesn’t always end with disappointment. Thank you.

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Hello πŸ™‚ thanks for your message. I sure hope it’s plain sailing from here too! I’m sorry you are on this shitty road too. It can be so long, and so hard (and so bloody expensive). After my last cycle they told me IVF had a “very low” chance of working and that was not easy to hear, but so far I have managed to beat the odds. I’m hoping you will catch a lucky break soon too x

      Reply
  12. mumofone

    I am so so so so so SO relieved.
    All night every time I woke up I checked my phone to see if you’d posted anything. Was so excited and happy for you this morning when I saw your news.
    I kept thinking a few days ago…..well its just spotting from irritation from the Progesterone….then you said there was a big bleed with clots….and I thought “well there are lots of causes of bleeding in early pregnancy that are benign” and I consoled myself that you didn’t have cramping (which can be a sign of irritability but also a sign the uterus is wanting to expel the contents) and then you said you had CRAMPING and I was so stressed and sad for you …. because I was sure you must be miscarrying (keeping in mind that in my job I only see the poor ladies who HAVE miscarried and who I am doing a GA on for their D&C so my view on the statistics of these things is very skewed!!!)
    So when you said there was a beautiful 7 + weeks embryo I was over the moon!!!
    Okay – now I hope that little bb has realised that there are ladies all round the world who are counting on it sticking like glue and hanging in there for another 32 + weeks. Or else!!!
    (And also I hope it isn’t your last visit to the IVF Clinic. After this one grows into a beautiful 2 year old child….I’m hoping you’ll go back and see if you can get either of the other little frozen ba’s – or were they ab’s – to stick too!!)

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Yes, as much as I tried to keep hoping, the big bleed had me worried once the cramps started. As much as it can sometimes mean nothing, it is sadly exactly what a miscarriage looks like… I’m glad to be on the right side of the stats for a change!! I hope I stay here!!!

      They were ba’s… Well remembered! πŸ™‚

      Reply
  13. airwolfgirl

    That is such wonderful news!!!! I’m so happy for you πŸ˜€ Hope you’ll keep us posted on progress and ENJOY you are so worth it! x

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thank you! I know it’s a long way to go, but I am concentrating on being hopeful and happy for now. I’ll very probably never be pregnant again so I am determined to be happy and enjoy my pregnancy… hopefully for a few more months!

      Reply
  14. Bachelor's Button

    Hi Betty,

    I’ve been following your progress and wanted to comment after your bleeding episode – as the same thing happened to me – and here I am with a two year old… But I didn’t want to give false hope just in case, tho I felt that you were still pregnant, and obv my nine months weren’t nine months so I didn’t want to draw parallels.

    BUT I am so happy that your little bean is growing as it should!

    I also wanted to say that with wonderful hindsight, there are now a couple of things that I would have done following bleeding, that I think may have helped.

    1) is to get your thyroid checked. I didn’t, but latterly I found out that I have a borderline underactive thyroid that becomes a real underactive thyroid when pregnancy hormones kick in. This could have been the reason for my bleeding during pregnancy and miscarriages but found out too late. Super easy to treat and test costs Β£30 (not much after ivf – and worth it either way for peace of mind).

    2) maybe consider having your immune a tested. Mine go bonkers when I’m pregnant and treatment is pricey – as are tests. Maybe just worth it if you had any other bleeds. (Which it goes without saying I hope you don’t!)

    3)if you are taking aspirin, question it.

    Looking forward to following your growing child for the next 30 weeks or so!

    Hxxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      That’s very helpful… Thank you. I know people wanted to reassure me, but there is always a fine line with advice… I like hearing positive stories, but you’re right, a little bit of me does think just because it was okay for someone else doesn’t actually have anything to do with me. Having said that, it’s all okay for now so PHEW.

      I have my thyroid tested I think when I see the midwife soon so I’ll ask her about that. I’m not on baby aspirin so that is one less thing to worry about!

      It’s good to hear from you πŸ™‚ I hope you are doing okay x

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Thanks Nushi! Seems like a million years ago since my last pregnancy. I just hope this one sticks properly. I’m hoping to see more updates from you soon, although I guess you are probably kinda busy πŸ˜‰ xxx

      Reply
  15. myhopejar

    I am so freaking happy to read this update!!! So happy! And what a relief that they have an explanation for the bleeding too! I am continuing to send you and baby so many prayers and can’t wait for the next update!

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Ah, thank you my friend πŸ™‚ Yes, I was very pleased to have an explanation for the bleed. They said it was a haemorrhage but I’m hoping it’s finished now! It was so scary! I’ve booked another scan for 10 days time… not sure when I will stop feeling anxious x

      Reply
  16. Chelsie

    I had bleeding during week 6 & 9 of my pregnancy (also IVF) that was caused by a subchorionic hemorrhage – It can be so scary! So glad things are ok πŸ™‚

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      It is so scary isn’t it! I couldn’t believe anything could survive so much bleeding. They said mine was a haemorrhage, but I’m not sure if that’s the same as a SCH… maybe mine’s not as bad? I’m hoping it stays well away now! I’ve booked another scan for 9w4d and I’m already starting to worry a bit. If I get past 12 weeks I will need to have serious words with myself, can’t freak out for the entire pregnancy! x

      Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Hi Jessica, and thank you πŸ™‚ it feels very surreal. I don’t think I would be that surprised if a unicorn just strolled right on past me! I hope you are well x

      Reply
  17. catschristmas

    OMG YOURE PREGGERS!!!! I’m so thrilled for you writing in caps from the other side of the world! I’ve been out of blog land for the last 8 months and I’m back and just discovered your news! Go you! Congrats hon xxxx

    Reply
    1. barrenbetty Post author

      Hello Cat! And yes, only took another 15 months… !!! I’ve booked a scan for Tuesday next week so hoping everything is still looking okay in there. I hope you and baby R are well. I need to catch up on blogs too, I hope you’re back blogging πŸ™‚

      Reply
  18. Pingback: Back to the start | barrenbetty

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