Category Archives: Uncategorized

The End

Well, that was a terribly unexciting end to our child making efforts. No eggs. Empty follicles. Goodbye IVF and so long to having the family I had envisaged. 

I’m not sure it’s wise to get drunk the day of egg collection but since that didn’t technically happen I fully intend on it later on.

BB xx

Where is my period

WHERE IS THE LITTLE BASTARD? 3 days late. Three. She is never late. Never. No sight nor sound of the useless little turd either.

My down regulation scan is on Friday lunchtime so realistically my period needs to return from whatever jolly she has gone on by Tuesday for the scan to still go ahead. I don’t feel like that is going to happen so my guess is this cycle is going to go on for longer than I had planned.

It’s been sometime since I had buserelin injections. My last 3 IVF cycles were short protocols so no down regulation. Previous to that I had 1 full long IVF cycle that ended in two eggs, two embryos, a missed miscarriage and a very long period of despair. Either side of that fun fest I had two cycles cancelled because I didn’t down regulate. Once with buserelin (3 weeks) and once with Zoladex (3 months). I think I am having some hot flushes so I am hoping it is doing its thing this time. I am also extremely jittery and sleeping terribly. Not sure if I can blame that on the buserelin or not.

Oh why is my period late, why. I spent years upon years wishing she wouldn’t show and she’d be there every 28 days with bells on, laughing in my face.

If anybody sees her, remind her she is a pointless idiot that has blighted my life and that the least she can do is show up on time since apparently she is no good for anything else.

BB xx

Back to the start

My blog is a deserted wasteland. The grass has dried. The air is thick with dust. People have littered the ground with empty crisp packets and used cans. Torn and faded pictures of Henry Cavill are scattered around. There is a run down shack that used to be a smart, tidy little place where I used to live with my friends Bottle of Gin and iPad. Now there is nothing. Well, almost nothing, because I am back to visit with a little tent and a fancy new macbook no less. I hope I can find some gin around here somewhere.

Having skipped out of my clinic doors 21 months ago, I believe I said “hopefully forever” (to the tune of Skinny Love making my ears bleed), I found myself back there last week. That 21 months went surprisingly quickly. Nothing much had changed. Same old downcast faces in the waiting room, eyes glued to the floor. Same old fake flowers. Same old (actually they are not old) receptionists full of happy beans, blowing me kisses and waving.  I handed over more money; they gave me some tablets. The Scientist by Coldplay was playing.

Things chez Betty are good. We have moved to a shiny new house. My little bb embryo can now run, shout, and as of last week I discovered can eat dead flies. I have been increasingly thinking about our miracle frosties and I feel that now is the right time to arrange a FET. I’m ready to draw a line under fertility treatments and move on. If it all goes to plan (haha) I should be able to have a transfer in mid-October. I have decided to pay for embryo glue this time since it’s something new my clinic are offering and I’m inclined to throw everything at this final cycle. Has anyone else used embryo glue? Any pearls of wisdom you can throw my way? I am half intending to have a scratch. I’ve been pregnant with scratches, pregnant without, as well as having BFNs with scratches. Hmm. I am also undecided about acupuncture. Hang on, that isn’t throwing everything at it is it? Oh god I don’t know. Can someone just tell me what to do?

In other news, I have just read that one of my all-time best fancies Joshua Jackson is back on the market. Yesssss!!!!

I hope you are all keeping well. Please fill me in.

BB xx

The elephant on my head is really heavy

I fear this cycle is going to be the one to push me head first into actual madness. Yeah, the will-it-won’t-it-more-likely-it-won’t-work pressure, financial worries and being jacked up on IVF drugs is like carrying around an elephant everywhere that’s shitting all over your head. An elephant that is completely invisible to the rest of mankind, so you just plaster a big smile on your face and drag it around with you, pretending that it’s nothing while invisible shit goes in your eyes and in your mouth and all down your shirt.

I’m sure you all know the feeling well. Anyways, this cycle I have discovered an added dimension to my mental. Deja vu.

The weather is getting better in the UK; it’s sunny and warm. The leaves are on the trees, the river bank is all green and leafy, the birds are singing, people are cycling everywhere in inappropriate cycling gear, the ice cream vans are back. Normally I like this, and I still do, but it’s reminding me so, so, so much of the miscarriage cycle last year. Everywhere I walk there is a smell that takes me back to some place I want to forget, or a memory I wish I didn’t have. There are bloody reminders everywhere now. Even if I walked around with my eyes closed, they’d just go straight up my nose and stab me in the heart that way.

I can’t get away from the feeling that history is repeating itself and I can’t do it again. I can’t. I can’t spent thousands and thousands of pounds, over months and months to get pregnant again only to have another miscarriage. It seems too unfair to not to be able to conceive naturally, to have to pay huge amounts just for the chance, to have it end in miscarriage again. It’s too unfair, it’s too much bad luck for one person and it’s too much for me.

For all those people who say, “God only gives you what you can handle”, I would like to ask them to tell him that I cannot handle anymore, and I want the shitting elephant off my head*. Thanks.

BB xx

*maybe omit the word shit if you are speaking directly to God.

P.s. This overly dramatic, self pitying post may be related to the undeniable feeling I have that AF is about to make an appearance. Early. Despite the fact that I still have one more day of the pill to take and an endometrial scratch and mock transfer on Thursday. They can’t do a mock transfer when AF is in town, nor I presume a scratch. WHY GODDAMIT WHY.

Pumpkin Smackdown 2013 – the Results Show!!!

The results are in!!!! What a show! Thank you Turtle Grand High Judge and Priestess and also thanks to Turtle’s judging committee board. A post about the prizes shall be forthcoming from me once I’ve calmed down tomorrow. Well done everyone!!!

Immotileturtle's Blog

It’s the moment that you’ve all been waiting for, the highlight of the year, the reason you got out of bed this morning. I am about to announce the winners of the #IFPumpkinSmackdown 2013!

If you don’t know what I’m talking about (Who are you? Where have you been?!) you can read all about it here and you can read about some of the awesome prizes on offer here and here.

This totally awesome competition was the brain child of Barren Betty and Fertility Doll and I am honoured to have been named “Grand High Judge and Priestess”.

There were 36 entries in total… yep, you read that right, thirty six. Each and every single entry was absolutely brilliant. I hope that you all had as much fun carving them as I did judging. If you haven’t seen Betty’s post from last night, which showcased all 36 entries…

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An Open Letter to: Everyone

I’ve never reblogged before, but now is the time, my friends. Read this! It may make you furious/mental. Someone was mean to me. I know, WTF? I am SO NICE! I am nice like an angel from heaven. And they were mean to my friends who are also nice and smell like flowers. I feel like I may have opinions on this, but Jenny conveys them much more eloquently than I could. Read.