I fear this cycle is going to be the one to push me head first into actual madness. Yeah, the will-it-won’t-it-more-likely-it-won’t-work pressure, financial worries and being jacked up on IVF drugs is like carrying around an elephant everywhere that’s shitting all over your head. An elephant that is completely invisible to the rest of mankind, so you just plaster a big smile on your face and drag it around with you, pretending that it’s nothing while invisible shit goes in your eyes and in your mouth and all down your shirt.
I’m sure you all know the feeling well. Anyways, this cycle I have discovered an added dimension to my mental. Deja vu.
The weather is getting better in the UK; it’s sunny and warm. The leaves are on the trees, the river bank is all green and leafy, the birds are singing, people are cycling everywhere in inappropriate cycling gear, the ice cream vans are back. Normally I like this, and I still do, but it’s reminding me so, so, so much of the miscarriage cycle last year. Everywhere I walk there is a smell that takes me back to some place I want to forget, or a memory I wish I didn’t have. There are bloody reminders everywhere now. Even if I walked around with my eyes closed, they’d just go straight up my nose and stab me in the heart that way.
I can’t get away from the feeling that history is repeating itself and I can’t do it again. I can’t. I can’t spent thousands and thousands of pounds, over months and months to get pregnant again only to have another miscarriage. It seems too unfair to not to be able to conceive naturally, to have to pay huge amounts just for the chance, to have it end in miscarriage again. It’s too unfair, it’s too much bad luck for one person and it’s too much for me.
For all those people who say, “God only gives you what you can handle”, I would like to ask them to tell him that I cannot handle anymore, and I want the shitting elephant off my head*. Thanks.
*maybe omit the word shit if you are speaking directly to God.
P.s. This overly dramatic, self pitying post may be related to the undeniable feeling I have that AF is about to make an appearance. Early. Despite the fact that I still have one more day of the pill to take and an endometrial scratch and mock transfer on Thursday. They can’t do a mock transfer when AF is in town, nor I presume a scratch. WHY GODDAMIT WHY.