Delayed.

Christina Perri – Human

Alessia Cara – Here

Billy Paul – Me and Mrs Jones

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – Marvin Gaye

Just for you because I knew you were wondering. So I was back at the clinic today for what should have been my last scan before transfer. Sigh. Looks like we will be playing the Waiting Room Theme Tune Game a while longer.

For a fleeting, extremely unwelcome moment, it looked like it was Game Over. I shall transcribe the conversation because we haven’t done that in a while and that is all the reason I need:

Me: Is everything ok, is everything ok, is everything ok, is everything ok, IS EVERYTHING OKAY

Sonographer: I’m just measuring your lining

Me: What is it?

Sonographer: The nurse will speak to you after

Me: <grits teeth>

Sonographer: Left ovary looks quiet

Me: That is good news

Sonographer: Ah. Right ovary has a large follicle

Me: This is bad news isn’t it

Sonographer: I don’t know. Aren’t you supposed to be down regulated?

Me: I don’t really know how this all works

Sonographer: I think you are supposed to be down regulated

Me: Is it the dermoid cyst? (ever the optimist*)

Sonographer: What dermoid cyst?

Me: The one on my right ovary (Give. Me. The. Dildo. Cam.)

Sonographer: <looks again but properly> Ah yes, I see it. No, it’s next to that.

Me: Are you 100% certain it is a follicle? How big is it?

Sonographer: Oh wait <rummages around> Have you ever had fluid in your tube?

Me: Maybe but they think it might be fluid that is caught in a pocket of scar tissue by my tube. It was there last time so you could compare the scan and see if it is that?

Sonographer: <more rummaging> Ah. Okay. I know what it is. It isn’t a follicle. It is an inclusion cyst.

Inclusion cyst. Why but of course. Because my ovaries are just so goddam friendly.

Anyway, panic over. My lining as it transpires is 7.9mm. Lazy. I usually have an over enthusiastic lining so I truly hope that things are looking normal next Monday and the pisser hasn’t gone overboard in the other direction.

One good thing that did come out of today was that I gathered more evidence that I am in fact a Cylon and/or a mind reader. It is all happening here in England at the moment. Big news is that we have a new £5 note that features Winston Churchill on the back. I was just busy thinking while I waited for my coffee on the way home that I had not seen one of these new notes in the flesh… and the AA numbered ones have been selling for £100+ over on eBay (presumably to complete morons). And literally, right then, I was handed one as change. Behold:


Also included as a bonus feature is my kindle and my coffee set against the back drop of the shit train I was on.

I am struggling to scrub off the gummy sticking plaster marks the oestrogen patches are leaving on my legs so I picked up some baby oil on my way home to see if it helps. I also accidentally treated myself to a new mascara and a bottle of red wine (for my lining). Not totally sure what evening the cashier thought I had in mind but it was probably more fun than it is going to be.

BB xx

*LOL

 

Patchy

As I suspected, the little witch arrived too late for a down regulation scan on Friday. I did however make it to the clinic for repeat thyroid bloods on Wednesday to Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You, Damien Rice. Seriously.

I had a whole exciting blog post written in my head about Wednesday but sadly I’ve forgotten the entire thing aside from something about the people on the bus being smelly so probably for the best all round.

I had my down regulation scan today instead. And I got the train and nobody was smelly (or maybe that means I was?) First things first: flower news update. They have replaced the fake flowers with fresh. Apart from they are getting a bit old and my God did they stink. Maybe I have a sensitive nose (see above), but that is no excuse for half dead, mouldy flowers. You can buy flowers for £2.99 in Aldi. Maybe I’ll put that in the suggestions box.

The good news is that I am Officially Down Regulated. Hurrah! Someone give those ovaries a high five. Lining was a peachy 2.6mm. Dermoid nasty was unremarkable. My tsh results had not arrived back yet but my nurse went foraging for them and found them lurking some place. We were awarded a 2.4 so good to continue with no thyroid medication, gold star!

I have been given the green light to crack on with oestrogen patches. Hopefully this will cancel out some of the buserelin side effects because I have been somewhat of a dragon on them this time around. I just did my first patch however and had a minor whoopsie. The nurse told me the patches were ‘very sticky’. The packet it came in was very thin. I started trying to open it and peeled off the front. It was very sticky. I stuck it to my leg. It’s basically a big advert saying ‘HELLO I’M HAVING IVF’ and I have a swimming lesson tomorrow. I am not happy. So dumb to make the patches with all the information written on the outside. It has the name of the drug, the dose. This is so strange. I read the instruction leaflet. I have stuck the label to my leg. I open the pack and stick the patch to my leg instead. It is see-through and basically invisible unless your face is at the top of my leg (what the hell are you doing).

So now I have one patch, alternate days for two weeks and continue with buserelin. Then two patches on alternate days, plus buserelin, for another week. My next scan isn’t until 10th October… by which time my lining should be all beautiful and lovely and ready for a transfer.

BB xx

 

Where is my period

WHERE IS THE LITTLE BASTARD? 3 days late. Three. She is never late. Never. No sight nor sound of the useless little turd either.

My down regulation scan is on Friday lunchtime so realistically my period needs to return from whatever jolly she has gone on by Tuesday for the scan to still go ahead. I don’t feel like that is going to happen so my guess is this cycle is going to go on for longer than I had planned.

It’s been sometime since I had buserelin injections. My last 3 IVF cycles were short protocols so no down regulation. Previous to that I had 1 full long IVF cycle that ended in two eggs, two embryos, a missed miscarriage and a very long period of despair. Either side of that fun fest I had two cycles cancelled because I didn’t down regulate. Once with buserelin (3 weeks) and once with Zoladex (3 months). I think I am having some hot flushes so I am hoping it is doing its thing this time. I am also extremely jittery and sleeping terribly. Not sure if I can blame that on the buserelin or not.

Oh why is my period late, why. I spent years upon years wishing she wouldn’t show and she’d be there every 28 days with bells on, laughing in my face.

If anybody sees her, remind her she is a pointless idiot that has blighted my life and that the least she can do is show up on time since apparently she is no good for anything else.

BB xx

FET update (why can’t I think of a better title)

My appointments were actually last week (three on three different days, fact fans – excellent organisational skills there). I sat down to what I now know thanks to Mr Google was I’m Not The Only One, Sam Smith. I literally have no idea who Sam Smith is. Next up was an old clinic favourite, Your Song (Ellie Goulding version). I have no memory of any other tunes because I started to feel disorientated. The water cooler had moved to a different wall. The teas and coffees were at the other side of the room. Then I realised: THE FAKE FLOWERS HAVE GONE.

That was the big news of the day. It also means that there is no central feature to the room and as such, all the chairs have been arranged to face outwards so it is much easier to avoid looking at anybody at all. Just you and your thoughts and pictures of landscapes. Oh, and the fertility magazines have been replaced with Men’s Health and Women’s Health which made me feel terribly fat and regretting the grab bag of crisps I ate on the train on the way over.

I decided against an endometrial scratch. As you (I’m sure) remember it is more of a scrape than a scratch. A scrape of your insides. Nobody is going to be queuing up for one of those. My clinic have also stopped offering them as a routine procedure as they aren’t seeing a huge amount of data to suggest it is having much of an impact. Decision made; £150 saved. I have decided to go for the embryo glue as it apparently has no detrimental effect. It isn’t exactly a ‘glue’ per se, it is a protein that should be present at implantation which the embryo is coated in before transfer. I enquired about hcG boosters which the nurse is going to run past Hero so hopefully those will be added to my list of jabs post transfer.

What else? Oh yes, I think I have decided against acupuncture for the FET. If I end up having another fresh cycle I would probably do it again then.

I was offered the option of thawing both embryos (we only have the two) and transferring both if they both survive. Does anyone have any thoughts on that? They are both graded 4ba which is a higher grade than the one that is currently trying to pull her nappy off in the living room. I am very nervous given the amount of scar tissue and adhesions I have that my body would physically struggle to carry twins. At the moment I have decided to thaw them one at a time. The nurse pointed out that the only negative of this would be time and money. For example, if I thaw one and survives, is transferred but fails to implant or I miscarry then I am back at the start of an (insanely long) medicated FET process. Each embryo has been given a 70% chance of surviving the thaw so there is a chance that I could go through one FET that fails, go through another one and end up with nothing to transfer the second time. I would have also paid for two FETs then instead of one.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned it already but I also have a dermoid nasty on one ovary that isn’t too big at the moment (3.5cm). It will need removing surgically and I would like this to be after I have finished with IVF. The longer things drag on, the higher the likelihood of me needing an operation during it all. My ovaries are so damaged from the surgeries I’ve already had I feel in my heart that another operation will mark the end of fertility treatment for me.

I took a call from the clinic yesterday afternoon and in typical fashion my TSH has come back at 2.6. The threshold for IVF there is 2.5. Seriously, thank you thyroid, two fingers back up to you too.

So I am back for repeat bloods next week, plus a down regulation scan.

One final thing. I was on my way home from the appointments last week and a bus drove past me with an advert for Blair Witch Project on it. What’s up with that? Did I go back in time or something? I’m 99% certain I have been back in time before because I saw a pterodactyl (wow it starts with a p, who knew) flying down the Thames once.

I hope y’all having a good week.

BB xx

Back to the start

My blog is a deserted wasteland. The grass has dried. The air is thick with dust. People have littered the ground with empty crisp packets and used cans. Torn and faded pictures of Henry Cavill are scattered around. There is a run down shack that used to be a smart, tidy little place where I used to live with my friends Bottle of Gin and iPad. Now there is nothing. Well, almost nothing, because I am back to visit with a little tent and a fancy new macbook no less. I hope I can find some gin around here somewhere.

Having skipped out of my clinic doors 21 months ago, I believe I said “hopefully forever” (to the tune of Skinny Love making my ears bleed), I found myself back there last week. That 21 months went surprisingly quickly. Nothing much had changed. Same old downcast faces in the waiting room, eyes glued to the floor. Same old fake flowers. Same old (actually they are not old) receptionists full of happy beans, blowing me kisses and waving.  I handed over more money; they gave me some tablets. The Scientist by Coldplay was playing.

Things chez Betty are good. We have moved to a shiny new house. My little bb embryo can now run, shout, and as of last week I discovered can eat dead flies. I have been increasingly thinking about our miracle frosties and I feel that now is the right time to arrange a FET. I’m ready to draw a line under fertility treatments and move on. If it all goes to plan (haha) I should be able to have a transfer in mid-October. I have decided to pay for embryo glue this time since it’s something new my clinic are offering and I’m inclined to throw everything at this final cycle. Has anyone else used embryo glue? Any pearls of wisdom you can throw my way? I am half intending to have a scratch. I’ve been pregnant with scratches, pregnant without, as well as having BFNs with scratches. Hmm. I am also undecided about acupuncture. Hang on, that isn’t throwing everything at it is it? Oh god I don’t know. Can someone just tell me what to do?

In other news, I have just read that one of my all-time best fancies Joshua Jackson is back on the market. Yesssss!!!!

I hope you are all keeping well. Please fill me in.

BB xx

bb

Well guys this update has been a long time coming. I’ve had it in drafts forever* and it went along the lines of: everything is normal blah blah, something about planting two different types of potato, a story about a box of pencils and a special sharpener Mr B bought, etc etc. Baby bb was breech until the day before my 36 week appointment but she flipped in the nick of time. The most dramatic part of my pregnancy has been anaemia. It really has been one lovely long period of normal boring. Magic.
(*not forever)

So yes, that was the update I drafted on the eve of 36 weeks. Thanks to you all who have checked in on me and the lovely Single Motherhood By Choice who pointed me in the way of this for breech babies.

Well turns out everything wasn’t quite the normal I thought it was because I was reacquainted with my old enemy Red at 36+2. Red. The colour I used to love but love no more. I hadn’t seen that bitch since the first trimester, and she was back with a vengeance.

I won’t go into detail but after a short blind panic and trip to the hospital in the wee early hours my little bb embryo, all grown up, was in my arms. According to my notes, in a record breaking 1h 47m labour. I don’t know what time warp they operate in because it was 3 hours by my watch.

I am eternally grateful that she is here safe. The bleeding was likely the placenta beginning to separate and for a short while things became a little scary. But she is here. After almost 5 years, several operations, a bajillion tears, miscarriage, 4 cycles of IVF, and the other miserable cycles that were cancelled, my baby is finally home.

BB xx

Normal

I am not sure why I even have this blog anymore since my commitment to updating it regularly appears to have disappeared along with my glasses which I have not seen since well before Christmas.

I have been contacted by a few people asking for an update on my pregnancy and there really isn’t much to update on. Everything is normal so far, and come Friday this week I will hit the big 2-4, viability. Everything is so normal in fact that I have been discharged from consultant care back to the midwife. I don’t think I’ve once been referred to as ‘normal’ during the last few years – suboptimal response, yes, abnormal anatomy, yes, disappointing, poor quality, damaged, yes, yes, yes. I’ll take any normal label anybody wants to give me.

I feel strange writing about pregnancy on an infertility blog, even if that has been the goal all along. Whatever I have to say seems trivial and I can’t help but think about people reading who had their cycles with me in September and are now just staring down the barrel of another go, or giving up entirely. I think about the blogs I followed a couple of years ago when I started blogging and although the majority now have babies, it’s not everyone. I think about friends who have had multiple cycles and multiple failures and I know the desperate, empty sadness so well. I think about how I felt after my first IVF cycle ended with a miscarriage and the subsequent disastrous cycles and BFNs. I think about how never ending the process can feel (and be) and I feel sad for my friends still getting smashed and bashed by that bitch infertility. So every time I sit down to blog I just think about those things and all of a sudden I have nothing to say again. Well, nothing except posts about making felt out of cat hair, taxidermy or Henry Cavill.

I’m not sure about continuing this blog anymore.

Makes me a bit sad after almost 2 years.

BB xx

P.s. I saw the worst taxidermy of a fox last week in a second hand furniture shop that had squiffy eyes and buck teeth, and I didn’t even take a picture of it. I could worry about myself some days.